A time for everything

Confession: I do not really like being a full time stay at home mom.

okay, okay, I know. your reaction was probably like, "gasp!!! but Heather! You craft!" I know. You would think the pre-school teacher turned mom would be right where she's comfortable, but I'm not. Not that I want some full time job that would keep me away from them all the time, but a few hours away a few days a week makes me a better mommy. I know that in this season of my life, my calling and job is to be home with them. Not that I don't enjoy it, by any means. I love it. I just sat at a little wooden princess table and had tea and coffee (water) with some dinner (oatmeal squares) while wearing crowns (I had to borrow Story's) and I wouldn't miss that for anything.

Throughout this time when things get stressful and crazy (basically since Story was born and slowing down now), I've spent a lot of time in Ecclesiastes. God has been showing me so many things and one of the most recent things has hit my heart so hard. Many people know the "a time for everything" part of this book, but I'll post it for anyone that's forgotten :)


There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

I have read this over and over the last few months at times where I felt like I was failing my family by being so stressed that I actually wanted to just get away a bit. (it's just not a warm fuzzy feeling for a mom). For awhile, God assured me that this was a season and that soon, things would feel "normal" again and we'd be able to enjoy each other and love each other without the physical exhaustion and mental numbness you have with a newborn. However, I began looking to these verses incorrectly without even realizing it. Slowly, Satan whispered God's word just a tad twisted like he's done so many times before to me and others before me (Eve is a very good example if you're looking for one). I began looking at these verses like some sort of promise that though my life is crazy now, it won't be later. That some day, my kids will be in school, I'll sleep through the night, and have date nights with my husband. Sounds lovely from the outside, but I was wishing away my little girls' youth. A couple of nights ago, I was thinking of all the gifts left to buy for family members that you haven't the first guess of what to get and things of that nature when once again, this thought was blown into my head. God finally spoke firmly to my heart telling me that with this season of craziness that leaves, as will London's cute way of saying "yuv yooo mommy" and Story's look of confusion with new things all around and the big toothless open-mouthed grin when my face comes into view in the midst of it. This season is the season of babies and milestones and cuddles in my lap b/c they're still small enough to rock to sleep. The season that I feel like I have no time to do anything because London constantly wants my attention when, one day, I'll have to beg her to come tell me things about her life. The season where I feel like I'm so behind on laundry that I'll never catch up, but also the season of clean footie pj's on little feet. sigh...sometimes, I wonder why God doesn't just throw a lightening bolt and wake me up to the life going on around me. haha

Flawless Beauties of His

woah, two blog posts in a row?! It'll never happen again, don't worry ;).

Since I first surrendered to the calling of ministry 5 years ago, God has been teaching me more and more about women. (That could be why I was given two daughters and not sons. I need lots and lots of lessons) Of these lessons, one of the biggest has been the battles that Satan fights to ensure difficulty in women breaking free. One is men against women, quite a bit ahead of that one is women against women, but the absolute hardest battle is women against themselves.

With the genders, you're fighting insecurity, possession, jealousy, ignorance, and plain old stupidity. Women against women isn't that different except those emotions are stronger. The jealousy is stronger, the insecurity is harder, and the ignorance is the reigning one of all. Women have no idea that they have more in common with women as a whole than they'd care to believe. It's easier to "hate women" because they're "all catty, backstabbing, and crazy." When in fact, women are strong, nurturing, creative, and loving people. I promise you they are. That's even what I'll devote my life to proving.

But, then comes in the largest battle. The one that causes me, and other women devoted to God's daughters, to go head to head in a vicious spiritual battle. Women vs. themselves. You see it all over. Someone jokes with them in a way that's inappropriate or borderline offensive. A comment is made by someone or the woman about the way she looks in something while she watches all the other girls in the same clothing, and they "pull it off." These women would probably agree with you on how wrong those things are about other women. "They should never say that about Grandma!" or "That's not something that should ever come out of anyone's mouth to the pastor's wife." or "She's beautiful! I think she dresses so lovely, and she's crazy to think she's not gorgeous!" but if you turn those around on them, they'd hang their heads.

Why? Why is it worse for someone to say something almost mean in a joking way to the pastor's wife, but not about you? Why should people stand up for that young girl, but you're fine to just shake off hurtful comments? and why, oh why, do you not see how lovely you are?

One day soon, you should sit and open the book Song of Solomon and read your Beloved's letter to you. It is symbolic of Jesus' heart towards us, His church, and He feels this about you personally. Not just the pastor's wife, though her too, not just that cute passionate girl, though her too, but you. You, His flawless one.

You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you. -Song of Solomon 4:7

It's all about balance

My final final is tomorrow, and I could not be any more giddy. This semester has been so crazy for us with a wild Indian toddler, newborn, internships, and Lance's senior recital and graduation. I'm so grateful for the placement of Christmas and the break this year. Time for us to stop, regroup our thoughts and hearts, focus on God, and then look toward the future of 2011 with school (for me, not lance and I'm only a little jealous), two growing girls, and the launch of the Journey Campus for Central.

My new year's resolution will be to attempt better balance and better time management. The man of the house, as the spiritual leader, carries tons of responsibility spirituality for the family. I realize that fact more each year of marriage. However, the woman of the house carries TONS of responsibility in her activities for every second. I really wished I'd paid more attention to that lesson before now, but I'm glad I finally saw it. On days that I manage my time with a productive day where I have time to chat with God regularly, I'm less stressed and have so many more fruits of the spirit that I can lavish on my daughters and husband. When I say time management, I do not mean work myself crazy to have a spotless house and an amazing feast on the table for dinner by the time Lance comes home. In fact, being Miss Perfect Housewife is honestly a very large personal sacrifice for me. I've learned that I can not do ministry and attempt a perfect life. If I try, it only seems perfect from the outside. I do laundry and clean clean the house once a week and that is a habit I've just figured out works really well with a family busy in 24/7 roles.

But, in the last semester, if I added up the "down time" that I spent on my phone, the computer, or scrubbing my house like crazy until it sparkles, I think I would be embarrassed and ashamed. A minute here and 30 seconds there really adds up and before I know it, it's 11pm and I have two more chapters to read, I'm tired, and now I'll be really tired in the morning for the girls. yay. We all have those "guilty pleasures" that sneak into your life and take over your prayer time without us even realizing it..darn you Sudoku. ;) I just challenge all that read this and find themselves in this same season of life to look at balance in your life. Maybe you could even be my "running partner" of sorts to help me stay on track :)

more adventures in motherland

I think my blog posts are getting farther and farther apart, nevertheless, a major truth hit me tonight. Nothing quite says "I'm a mother of two children under 2" quite like the worst constant back pain I remember ever having. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, and in fact, I never even felt contractions in labor, but I seem to have pulled something while changing a billion diapers (exaggeration) and cleaning up hundreds of messes (not an exaggeration) over the last several weeks. In trying to solve this problem, I've had to become more observant of my posture at all times. I'm always bent over cleaning something, changing something, wiping something, or whatever. I parent bent, I think. Have you ever tried to correct your posture while in the midst of a crazy life that causes you to ruin it consistently? It's insanely difficult.

If you've read any of my posts before, you're expecting some practical Biblical truth I've found to apply to my life from something ridiculously small, and because I have so much time to ponder during 3 am feedings, I won't disappoint you. This is very much like my spiritual walk lately. Because of the hectic lifestyle we lead, I've cut corners and slacked until I walk with Jesus bent over. It's just easier to do the things I need to do with a bad attitude or judgement or just flat out for myself than to stand up straight and walk tall standing firm on the Truth and living as He's called us to live. Over time, this posture physically and spiritually has hurt me much worse than I would have thought and though it once took days of letting the posture to slip before I felt the results, I now can let it slip for 2 minutes and I immediately feel the pain that is much worse than I felt weeks ago. I've learned to live with this posture and just as difficult as it is to remember to change a diaper with a straight back, it's nearly as impossible to deal with a screaming toddler with that straight posture spiritually. This is now my nature and habit more than it was before (though I've never had fantastic posture spiritually or physically ;)) and it is taking extreme intentionality to keep a close watch on it now. I'm now spending my time taking captive every negative thought that I notice, and when I'm hurting from my lack of posture and tension, I do the same thing as I do for my back: get still, calm, and let go of that tension. I let go of the stress, let go of my insistence that if I stop for one second that my entire house will fall a part, and I let go of every other thing I'm carrying around that's causing me to bend. Work in Progress....for certain.

There is a time for everything

Story is now 6 weeks old tomorrow and London is not quite 20 months. I don't need to really give anymore detail into my average day, because that says it right there. I have to say that though the transition of having two kids was MUCH easier than the initial transition to one child, this is the darkest pit I've experienced thus far. There is something very difficult about having to grasp only the future and no present. I'm one of those that normally looks to future goals. I do something now, for what will come in the future. Though there are some things I enjoy, strictly because I can see progress right that second, like painting something or rearranging a room. However, in the life of a mother, it's very easy to lose track of those little things because you're constantly doing little things that you've already done 14 times that day, you did 30 times yesterday, and you'll do them 50 times tomorrow. Each day, I feed, clothe, clean, wipe, clean, change, clean, and so on. I load the dishwasher only to load it again later that day or tomorrow. I clean a high chair, and then do it again several more times before bed.

In this type of situation, it is so very hard to see purpose. I understand that what I'm doing will mold these little people into big people. I get that as a mommy, I am responsible for teaching them the ways of the Lord and sending them off one day in hopes that they understood my love for them, and even more so, the love God has for them. However, when you are in the midst of it, it's hard to see those distant days. You only see more diaper changes, laundry, and dirty floors.

This is where you all say to me, "Heather! This is a season that will pass. You have to make time for yourself. Remember to rest. yada yada" and I agree, but I'd never noticed how little other's words meant to me until I found what did work (usually ;)). A quiet time is hard to find because when the girls do nap together, cleaning is a gateway drug. You just have to wipe that one counter, which you realize is something that spilled and is on the floor too, so you bend down to wipe that spot on the floor, only to realize that the entire floor is filthy, so you're just going to sweep, only to realize that half that stuff needs to be mopped, not swept, and it keeps going until one or both are crying, needing food, a new diaper, and lots of attention, and I never got alone with the Lord.

In comes the book of Ecclesiastes. The first chapter, second verse begins, ""Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless."

3 What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?

4 Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever.

5 The sun rises and the sun sets,
and hurries back to where it rises.

6 The wind blows to the south
and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
ever returning on its course.

7 All streams flow into the sea,
yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
there they return again.

8 All things are wearisome,
more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing.

9 What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.

10 Is there anything of which one can say,
"Look! This is something new"?
It was here already, long ago;
it was here before our time.

11 There is no remembrance of men of old,
and even those who are yet to come
will not be remembered
by those who follow.

I read those words and picture myself, scrubbing floors and doing dishes and Jesus sitting at my dining room table saying, "I came to have a cup of coffee with you and see how you were doing. How's motherhood? How do you think London is adjusting to being a big sister? Are you worried about her? Is there anything you want me to do for her?" and I can't hear Him over my grumbling.

This is merely a season of my life. In that same book, in the third chapter, it says in verse one, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven." It's something I'm working on; and the great Refiner is bringing out my impurities just as He says in Malachi 3:3. So I apologize to those I blow off when they talk to me about this stressful, crazy season of my life...I just have to hear it from the lips of the Lover of my soul I guess :). And now, as if clockwork, my redheaded sweet baby is slowly moving and groaning and I hear distant cries from the strange little beautiful girl down the hall. haha...at least they're on the same schedule today, right? ;)

"Me" Time

In reading through the accounts of Jesus' life written by His closest friends, I'm struck anew at how selfless He really is. All through the Gospels, we see Jesus living day in and day out constantly putting others before Himself.

There are obviously more perks than not of being the parent of a strange little beautiful 19 month old with more energy than I could get with a Starbucks in my own house, and a 24/7 velcro 4 week old that needs to be held as much as possible. However, when I let stress or exhaustion get to me, I can easily start thinking of the freedom I once had to hop in the car and run to the bank, or buy a new purse without robbing children of Christmas present money ha. The biggest thing most parents seem to miss, however, is their "me" time. I crave time where I can just sit and relax and not think about anything if I don't want to. This is so well known that even other people check on me and make sure I'm getting some down time alone to myself. I'm not knocking this at all or anyone that needs this (since I, myself, just said I crave it), however, no where in Jesus' life are we shown a time where He just wanted to hang out on a hammock, have a glass of tea, and chill. He was teaching and preaching and loving and performing miracles every day. It says He went to bed late and arose early and would seclude Himself. Even then, Jesus wasn't doing it for "me" time, He was craving time alone with His Father. Jesus so badly wanted to have as much time as possible with God alone that He sacrificed sleep and alone time to have it. I can't even imagine how drained He was physically, mentally, and emotionally. He was literally carrying the weight of the world, and yet, He knew that a quiet time would rejuvinate Him like sleep, food, and alone time could never come close to. Ahh the lessons I continue to learn and hope will sink in.

Non-Super Mom :)

Sometimes, I take for granted just how powerful God is. As we're coming into our third week with Miss Story making us a family of four, and more accurately, me a mother of two, I so easily can become overwhelmed. Sometimes it could be the sleep deprevation that comes with a newborn with a healthy set of lungs, but sometimes, it's just from all the things that a mother can let herself worry over if she weakens. With London only, I worried that she didn't have enough food groups, or that she'd fall off the side of the recliner...again, or that she wouldn't nap so she'd be cranky later. With a newborn alone, you worry about their eating, is it enough, is it too much? You think her jerking her head like that ever makes it sore? Can we make it there and back before her next feeding?

But when you add the two together...you worry for the small one because of the bigger one in ways like, I hope she doesn't throw that at her. She's coloring Story, trying to feed Story, or other physical things. With London, I worry about mental and emotional things. You worry that she's wondering when will this baby go back home now? She wants to color, but Story is insisting on being held nonstop. London now screams and whines more because she states something in a normal tone 5 times with no one hearing her, so she resorts to a more annoying and successful tactic.

In the midst of this, I'm newly grateful for an all powerful God. I'm so grateful that He can do it all. That I'm no super parent, but He is. There's no fighting for His attention, no worry that choose someone else, b/c I'm already chosen. We all are. I'm grateful that I don't have to be whiney or scream to get Him to listen to me, and now wonder exactly why I do then? And, with that, London's awake so I'm sure Story will be soon as well, and the craziness begins again until bedtime :)

Patience

I've always greatly disliked the popular phrase Christians throw around, "Never pray for patience." Somehow, a nasty rumor began floating around some time ago that you only need patience when you're given really big obstacles and that God won't send you those obstacles if you aren't praying for the patience to get through them. In my life before marriage, children, and all the other adult stuff, I never had a problem finding situations needing patience. I worked as a server in a restaurant and as a preschool teacher. I had electronics even though I am extremely low-tech. I had difficult professors. Then, when I got married, I lived in a small one bedroom apartment with another person...and a boy at that! Then, we had London, and I assure you, I've had even less difficulties finding situations that require patience since. I've learned that whether or not I ask for patience to get through it, London will dump a bowl of cereal and milk. She will use the restroom in the floor instead of her potty. She wash off her popsicle that was dropped in the dirt in her little swimming pool. These things are going to happen, and if I have not filled up my tank of patience and other fruits, they just seem to happen more.

Now, here I am, 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant, and once again, God is teaching me patience whether I like it or not. (Those of you that plan your pregnancies successfully, do NOT make your last month August just for future reference ;)) I feel like a completely different person, and one that I personally would probably not pick as a friend most of the time. In pregnancy, your body is not what you normally have, your hormones aren't, and you don't even get to wear your own clothes. Very much a case of the invasion of the body snatchers. However, God is faithful. More faithful than me. I'm hoping that this ever lengthening pregnancy and all the "joys" that come with it will bring with it afterwards wisdom and a greater ability to mother two children instead of just one. I'm grateful that His Word doesn't come back void and that He is constantly grooming me to be the leader spiritually I need to be to raise up children for Him and, even more, grooming me to be the follower spiritually I need to be for Lance. Wouldn't it be lovely to be less stubborn and headstrong and learn these lessons way easier and faster though?! :)

This week's life lessons

One of the reasons I write publicly about my spiritual journey is in hopes that it will help anyone else that may come across it and is struggling in something similar and just needing to know they aren't alone. The main reason, however, is because the posts usually include something God is working on in me and a public admittance helps me to stay accountable. This week, the Holy Spirit has really been tugging on my heart in a few ways.

One of these is the devotion I give to my daughter. Driving in the car in the summer heat, I can not physically put vents on myself. They're all facing her and I'm constantly watching her cheeks to make sure they're not too pink. I make sure she has a cup of water or something to snack on when we go somewhere. Every time I'm with her (which is all the time now that I think about it..) I'm constantly thinking of her well being and comfort. I can't do that for everyone, b/c honestly, I'd probably die from exhaustion haha, but what if I spent half or even a fraction of that attention to physical needs on others? What if when I saw others in public, I truly cared how they were. Would I have offered Jesus a drink at the well, or would I have filled my bucket and hurried off to make sure my little kingdom at home was working like a well oiled machine? I don't really want to know the answer to that, but I'm pretty sure I can bet on what would have happened. Jesus said in Matthew, "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'"

Another lately is my need for comfort. I enjoy a surplus. At any time in our house, if we run out of hand soap, olive oil, spices, whatever, there is a larger container somewhere to refill it. I enjoy buying in bulk and eliminating the worry of running out. Lance and I are, by no means, "well off" though we are richer than most people in this world just because of our home, food, and other things we deem as "necessity." Things in my life that I need, whether financial stability, fruits of the spirit, recipe ingredients, or whatever, I cling to the surplus. I'm reminded by His spirit over and over, however, of the manna given to the Israelites that was just enough for them that day but would ruin when hoarded. I'm trying to realize that the things I need or want in life are given to me daily and by the second from Him. I'm only breathing b/c He just gave me this breath, and the next one and the next. If He stops, I stop, and I can not run without Him. A recent video clip by Priscilla Shirer really made me stop and think when she reminded us that out of the 2 million Isrealites that were brought out of Egypt, shown the miracles they witnessed, and given all that they were, only two made it to the Promised Land. 1 in a million. ...and now I'm wondering where I would fall in that number based on my life right now.

For Moms, whether working or at home :)

I have days where I feel like I'm still brand new to the mom thing. London changes so fast that about the time I feel like I have a grip on our relationship, she goes through a new phase, learns a new trick, or gets a tooth which sends us right back to the start where I'm clueless.
Then...there are other days, most days. The days where I can't remember my life before diaper bags, nap times, and toys strewn across my living room. I forget the Heather that was single and used to shrug her shoulders when questioned on the urgency of a midnight walmart trip. I look to my past and see only pregnancy and London, and I look to the future and see only soccer games (hopefully ;)) and math homework, and my present is consumed with Mommy-ness. On these days, I get lost. Lost in my world, my kingdom.
A struggle I've had since London and will probably continue to have is knowing where the line is drawn between my identity as a mom and everything else. I hear from other moms about their love of being a stay at home mom and how it's what God meant in making our children our main priority. Then, I'm plagued with guilt. I know for a fact that God has called me into His ministry and given me a heart for women. I don't know what that looks like exactly with small children at home, and I don't know what my future will hold, but I know of that calling. I'm grateful that for the next couple of years at least, I will not have to be away from home more than part time, but that God has led me to a church where I can have all the girl time I can handle with so many University girls around me.
In the meantime, God is showing me little by little what it looks like to be a wife, woman, and yes, mother. I was beginning to think the other day that I had gotten it all wrong and that wife and mother were what I was this season of my life and I was being selfish to think otherwise. This is when God led me to Isaiah 9. In reading about Christ's future first coming, I read the list of roles he would fulfill: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Everyone knows the different roles a mom is just within that one job: nurse, cook, cleaning lady, and so on. However, God revealed to me that Jesus came to fulfill many roles to many people and that I am to look to His example for that. I have no plans on leaving my stay at home position (other than school) for quite some time, but in this verse, I have more freedom in seeing things when I will go back to work and have to be away. I thought I would share this verse with other moms, whether staying at home and wondering if this is just their identity now, or moms that can’t be home, whether from financial reasons or because it is not their calling. Either way, you are loved by God. He created you to raise your children up to know Him, to support your husband as he follows Him, but mostly, to be His daughter and bask in the knowledge that you are beautiful and perfect in His sight.

His beauty

Sometimes, I wonder if God ever rolls His eyes at me. I so often catch myself after a long day praying for Him to show Himself to me more. I feel alone and stressed and feel like He's no where close to talk to. Yesterday was one of those days. You have those days of parenthood where you feel like this was the reason you were created, and then you have other days where you wonder why God would let you have children and subject such an innocent to such an awful parent haha.
London had been dropped off at my in-laws for her safety and for Lance and I to attend Elevate (our Wednesday night college worship) and I really needed to do that alone. She had cried most of the day, screamed really, and insisted on being in my lap or on me in some way. For those that have forgotten, I'm a few days away from being 8 months pregnant and that lap is slowly disappearing for her to sit on. I was tired, stressed, and because I rely on her naptime as a lifeline to an afternoon quiet time and she hadn't taken one, I felt devastated and unable to cope with the rest of the day. I left the Elevate cook out early because a pregnant girl and extreme heat and humidity just don't mix well. I love the drive to my in-laws in the afternoon/evening because you are facing the sunset and the interstate gives a very clear view. I was driving in complete silence and praying for God to give me just enough patience and joy to finish out the rest of London's evening without Lance there to help (he had band practice) and asked God to reveal Himself to me more. I just wasn't seeing His presence that evening and missed it. Then, the Holy Spirit guided my attention back to that sunset. It was so beautiful, with the clouds a perfect color. I began to watch the landscape as it passed (while watching the road of course :)) and began to see what He was trying to show me. He is everywhere. He created the sunset, the wind through the trees that feels so good on such a hot evening, and He gave me the little girl that's usually cuter than anything in the world but just so happens to be screaming in the floor. I suppose that of all my studying of the fruits of the Spirit lately, what I need to learn most is that everyday of parenthood will require more filling up than the day before did, which means more time with Him. With such a spunky little girl, it will be a challenge to keep her guided gently on the path, but I'm looking forward to watching the relationships that will grow closer through it, with Lance and I and our Lord. Now let's pray for a better day today than yesterday and LOTS of naps! :)

Getting to know my Father through London & Daddy :)

I never had a close relationship to my dad. My parents divorced when I was young, and he moved for a job when I was in grade school. From lack of opportunity, we were just never given many times to really truly learn who each other was. Because of this reason, I'm intrigued watching London and Lance interact and live. With each month, she grows a little physically and grows sooo much in personality. As she's learning and living, I get to watch her follow her Daddy around, make him read to her, tie her tutu on, and things of this nature.
What I'm learning by watching them is that London knows her Daddy. She knows that if she smiles and says "peees" (please) that he'll read her a book no matter what he has going on. She knows what reaction to expect and she knows what she can and can't get away with around him. All this, a 16 month old has learned by spending time with him and him being there to play, comfort, and support her. So, I sit and think, what am I doing, reading book after book about God, doing in depth studies on the Greek words of the fruits of the spirit, and so on? Not that I'm not reaping blessings from those, or that He's not showing Himself to me in that, but not like He would if I'd be more willing to crawl into His lap to read His word. Or, like He would if when I was upset or hurt, I raised my hands to Him; if He was the source of my nourishment and living water.
This is something He's been trying to teach me for so long, and something I'm sure I'll continue to forget and have to be reminded of, but I'm glad He picked such a beautiful image to show me each day to open my eyes.

Empty Gage

I'm happy that God knows women better than we know ourselves. He gave us our nurturing characteristics and He also knows that with that gift, among others, we have a tendency to over nurture. We get so busy taking care of everyone and everything else, that we forget about ourselves. Then, at the end of the day (sometimes even the middle of the day), we've poured out all the gentleness, patience, and every other fruit of the Spirit we had and are now running on fumes. I very often find myself forgetting to refuel and then sitting, stranded on the road without being able to do anything until He comes and refills me. Now this is where the beauty of motherhood comes in. Not only does He give mothers a new fufilling role of nurturer, but He balances out our inability to see clearly any longer that we need refueling.
My daughter is my gage. Sometimes, I feel like I can be nice to other people, but how I'm reacting to London shows exactly where my Spirit is. I can be nice and apologetic to a waitress during London's meltdown, and publically be patient with her, but inside, I'm humilated and beyond frustrated. I'm learning to watch not only my outward responses to London, but my internal reactions. I'm learning to refuel before I become harsh or "too" impatient, but that's an uphill battle that I haven't quite mastered. I'm just happy to say I finally saw the tool God is using in my life.
My prayer now is that I remember not to see everything my daughter, or children, do wrong. To let her enjoy being a child, even if that requires Mommy to turn her head in situations, such as when she wants to squish the rest of the banana she's having for snack instead of saying she's done. (Not that I'd give her more banana after that haha) But to see that she's playing with something that maybe I don't care for her to touch, but in the end, it's hurting no one and she's not unsafe, learning bad habits, or being rebellious...she's just curious. Life is so full of new things for her, and I want desperately to reflect the love for her that my Lord has that she can't quite understand yet. I would love for her to learn about God as she grows with an easy realization that He loves her beyond her understanding because that's what she gets at home and it isn't baffling to her.

He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge. Proverbs 14:26

Learning Dependence on Him

Never before have I thought about learning to have a dependence on God. That is, never until I had a toddler. London has transformed into a full out toddler this past two weeks, and one thing I've learned is that toddlers don't officially become toddlers just because they can walk. It's the whole package. It's walking, reaching things that are higher, communication, fits, and INDEPENDENCE! Now that she can walk on her own and doesn't need me close incase she falls, she doesn't need me at all. (or so she thinks) I call to her, I show her where we're supposed to be going, I allow her as much independence as possible (when it's safe) but she wants to go another way, gets distracted, or just plain doesn't want to listen. My walk with God has never hit me so clearly in this area.
I never thought about the fact that as I learn and grow, I become more independent, but He must teach me dependence again. If I allowed London to continue on in her independence, not only would she be a danger to herself, but her growing and learning would stop. How can she learn to climb steps leading to a slide if someone's not there to teach her to step up one small one onto a patio without falling? It's never occurred to me before that once we hit this milestone, I'll need to continue pulling her back in over and over and keep her dependent on me. I'm still where she gets food and shelter, and will be until she can at least reach the counter haha. How true is this with God? He is where we find nourishment and rest, but it's not until we're at the end of our rope dying of malnourishment before we remember Who can feed us. At least that's how it is with me. I'm grateful that He is showing me little by little His path for me in a way I can most relate to: parenthood. Now when I look back with the wisdom of hindsight, I see those times when my life seemed frustrating or stressful. I remember my reactions to those times that now very much resemble toddler tantrums, and now I can see where God was reeling me in from hurting myself or just running away from Him and I think of how much harder His job is than mine haha. I am must more stubborn and strong-willed than my toddler (so far) and I'm glad He's always leading me.

He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Psalm 23:3

Warning: Work in Progress

In this busy busy season of my life, I always feel like I'm one step ahead of getting pulled under from a swift current. I've never seen more clearly that I am a work in progress until this semester. It seems like a mother's to-do list is eternally lengthening and never accomplished and a college student's is similar but in a very different way. I'm both...in fact, I just realized that I still think in semesters, not months or years. I think that if you look at the to-do lists of students and mothers, as complicated as they are and as long as they are, they are nothing compared to the to-do list of a Christian. Add Christian to another title you carry, and you have just added tons. Today, go to the bank, talk to the babysitter about London's meals, finish term paper for Friday so you can start on the other 4 due, and...love everyone while doing it? Remember to pray more than just for God to help you keep your testimony and not lose it by honking at the people driving crazy in front of you?
The simple truths I've learned recently have hit me harder than I ever imagined and I feel like I have so much to work on that I'll never have enough time to do it all. Truths like, Most people don't need my words; in fact, most don't even want them. They need the power in the Word of God. Or, respect and honor for God is NOT love for Him. Or, I can pray for a miracle until I'm blue in the face, but in the end, God's plan is His plan and....as hard as it is to accept, He knows more than me about loving people and what is best for them.
I'm only just realizing as well, that I don't have to work on all these alone. He will fight my battles for me, if I will just release my grip on them. I can't even open a jar of pickles because of my weak hands, but somehow, I have the strength to hang on hard to the tail end of an issue and not let go, no matter how God tries to show me He's got it.
I have no deep truths to share with this blog. No insight that I have seen through the dark tunnel of life. Only the fact that I am a work in progress and am grateful that I'm not in charge. Grateful for the women in my life that are works in progress as well but are much quicker at handing Him the reins. And I'm mostly grateful that when nothing else shows me what He means by joy, or patience, or slow to anger and speech, He sends me a little girl that makes me laugh so hard every day that I have tears running down my sore cheeks, that makes me breathe in slowly every day and take a moment before I ask her for the 45th time not to scream or throw cheerios at me. I'm grateful that He shows me unconditional love in a diaper taken off without my knowledge in the crib, and that peace is not calm quiet during nap time like I originally thought, but in watching her sleep and knowing she's safe and being secure in her love.

Bride of Christ

Lately through reading and studying, one word continues to jump out at me over and over. Bride. The word is used 43 times in the New American Standard Bible, but my favorite use of the word is when it is referred to the body of the Church. First of all, I was a bride and so I can relate. All the preparation, all the anxiety, all the stress of tablecloths, wardrobe, and food all comes down to one moment where I was joined in a covenant with Lance for the rest of our lives here on earth. When I think of the word "bride," a lot of things come to mind as I'm sure it does with most women. Beautiful, exciting, fresh, new, young. But the one that continues to dance in my mind is alone. Not individually, but the bride and bridegroom. As full time college students and young parents, Lance and I know the glory of a moment secreted away with just the two of us. We did not know before London was here that those precious moments where it was always just the two of us were to be captured in the heart and remembered as such a sweet time. I love that we will always always be Jesus' bride. That it will always be this sweet time of me and Him, taking long walks with no worries as to what I should be doing, chatting forever without running out of things to say, just as a new bride and bridegroom do. It will never become routine, it will never become ordinary, and I will never become "wife" but always a young beautiful bride. Not that wife has any negative connotation, but any means, I hold the term wife as a very sacred thing, but it does not give me the same ideas that bride does, and this is why the Word uses "bride." Doesn't it just make you want to look your best and act your best and be ready for Him to come get you any day and sweep you right off your feet? :)

"Let us rejoice and be glad and give the glory to Him, for the marriage of the Lamb has come and His bride has made herself ready." Revelation 19:7

Easter Extremes :)

April 4, 2010
For a passionate, at times extremist, personality, living in a world of balance can be quite frustrating and complex. As I grow older, I find that more and more things in my life require a proper balance. London is toddling with help and will be running away from us any day now with new independence, and through this new toddler stage, I'm having to learn that complete control over with tons of unnecessary "no's" is bad, but allowing her to do whatever because she's only one is very bad too. I'm learning that my insistence on a healthy diet is mostly good, but denying myself or family some delightful treats removes the good of that whole concept. Here lately, God has been teaching me some other balances as well.
Recently, I've been praying for a deep deep yearning for His Word. I had continued to read my Bible consistently, but it wasn't jumping at me to need it like I need food. When does He decide to stoke in me a great need for His Word right there and then? The only break in my day between classes that I needed to study so badly for a Restoration & Neoclassical Literature exam. I am a perfectionist to a fault and I do not do well with making less than an A. He's slowly showing me that for me to ask Him to become my all, I must make Him my all, not just before school but before myself and my extremes. (by the way, I made an 81 on that test. I was hoping He would reward my reading His word with an immaculate conception of knowledge but it did not happen haha).
He's also been showing me a balance between Truth and Love. At times, I can not see farther than His Truth, when His love is what is needed too. I did not know until not long ago that they are not two things that come hand in hand. I can not remember who said it, but there's a quote that says something along the lines of, "Truth without Love is too harsh, and Love without Truth is too weak."
These have been very hard for me to not only wrap my head around because it is so out of my nature, but they have been very very hard for me to accept and surrender to. However, as today, Easter Sunday, passes, I am eternally grateful that out of all the balances He asks of my life, I can not love Him too much. I can not be too excited and humbled and ready to see Him face to face. In our love, He gives no boundaries and allows us to be the crazy, extremists we tend to be. Isn't that just like our King? That is so Him. I love it

Clouds

March 10, 2010
I don't know if other people have experienced what I have been going through. I'm sure they have, but it's not something we probably offer up in conversations. Lately, I feel like when I pray to God, out loud, in my heart, on paper, whatever, I'm talking to myself. No one wants to admit that they're distanced from God, but it's what sin will do. I know that several groups of ladies in our church are currently doing Beth Moore's Breaking Free study, and let me just say, it's kicking my bottom for lack of better words. I don't know that I've ever felt more spiritually overwhelmed, more oppressed, or more scared as to how I will have time to fix ALL these issues at one time. I feel like it will take years! For a couple weeks, I had fallen a few times here and there into Satan's lies and lost hope that God could get me out of all these issues. Generational sin, bitterness from long ago, slander, the list just kept coming with every day of homework and every quiet time.
As this silence from God came over me, I felt covered in a dark cloud. So, being the resourceful procrastinator that I am, instead of doing homework for my Modern American Literature class, I went to biblegateway.com and searched cloud. I love topic Bible studies and I'm so grateful for God's word. I was brought to 153 verses that include the word cloud, but nothing pierced my heart like Genesis 9:14-15 "Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life." Of course, in context, God is speaking to Noah and promising that He will never flood the earth to destroy it again, but to me, He is saying clouds will come down on you, but if you'll look into that cloud, you'll see My promises and the hope that I offer you. I will not destroy you because I have plans for you that will prosper you, not harm you. How silly of me to take the bait of Satan and think my problems are too big for my God? How silly to think God will pull away from me and let the waters of my sin and my tribulations rise and not rescue me before I drown? Thank God that we can put our hope in Jesus and lean on His understanding. I just wanted to share a painful struggle I've been having and I'm still having, in case God is working through the other studies or completely different ones and this verse may help remember His promises. Standing on the promises, right? Even if you can't currently hear or see anything but darkness.

"But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you." Psalm 39:7

Girls Retreat

March 8, 2010
This past weekend, the central university girls were given the opportunity to spend a couple of days at the Nix's cabin in Mountain Home. It was absolutely beautiful and had an amazing view that blew us all away. Sunday, when we left, I stood alone and looked at the view. I had marveled all weekend over that view. The hills and the lake from such a height, but on Sunday, I stood there looking out and marveling instead on how beautiful the women were that came on the trip. I was blown away at the loveliness of these young women as I got to know them, not only in their talents and personalities, but in their hearts.
We went over images of sisterhood in the Bible all weekend and looked at the stories of Leah and Rachel, Naomi and Ruth, and the women that ministered to Jesus and followed Him to the cross and discovered He was risen first. I'm so glad that God chose to teach us, and especially me, some very hard lessons that should be taken to heart while I became involved in the details of these girls' lives. I think the biggest lesson I learned, however, did not come from a big group discussion or the study guide that I constantly made in my journal. It came late Saturday night. Almost everyone was asleep, the lights were almost all turned out, and typical me was washing all the paint brushes that still had paint on them from crafts. (I have a fear of things ruining) One other girl was still awake, working on her canvas, trying to capture her perspective of the bible studies over the weekend. She's only been to Elevate (our wednesday night service for the university) a couple of times and decided to come this weekend. I, honestly, do not know her that well, but I'll tell you, this girl is absolutely beautiful, physically and inside. She has an amazing talent with art and her canvas was about 100 times better than mine haha. The lesson however, came not in her beauty or talent, as much as her determination. She is also a young mother, and I knew she was tired and had been tired for awhile, but wanted to finish something she had put so much time and effort and herself into.
I stood at the sink washing I think 500 paint brushes at almost 3 in the morning and watched her, pondering my relationship with God. What a beautiful romantic relationship I could have with Him. I put so much of myself into it sometimes, and time, and effort, only to give up when I feel defeated by the clock, the world, or myself. But how simply beautiful it is that He doesn't? He is that young girl. He has worked in you, put a piece of Himself into you, devoted time and energy on you, and He knows what beauty your masterpiece holds. He can see the finished product when we can not, and He knows that that part that looks like it doesn't fit into the canvas or doesn't match the rest will be influential in making His work one of a kind.
So, on Sunday, I thanked Him for that. I looked at the lake and the sky and the view and saw for a second what He saw in His young daughters. Grace and beauty.

For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. --2 Corinthians 4:18

Darkness

February 2, 2010
Last night before Lance and I went to bed, London woke up screaming. Parents know the difference in those cries. Usually at night, it's the whiney one that is quite easy to ignore for the 5 seconds that she's making it before falling back to sleep. However, there are those, like last night, that make you want to run into their room and rescue them. I don't know if she was having a bad dream or just woke up confused, but she was quite unhappy. Other than a tiny bit of lamp light from our room across the hall coming in her partially open door, it was completely dark in her room as I sat rocking her. About five minutes into it, I started crying. How many times have you awakened in your life to utter darkness? I have several times. I've had times in my life where I feel like I had been spiritually asleep for however long, and suddenly, I'm awake and scared about what's going on around me and where I am. Sometimes, like London, I don't even know where I am. In those moments, London has the right idea. There's nothing to do but cry out. I see David over and over, crying out to God in Psalms from his darkness.
So, when I go in to get her, I grab her, the pacy, and of course, her favorite blanket. Even in the darkness, she knows it's me. And as my eyes adjust, I can always start to make out her face and she's always sitting there, eyes wide still, but completely calm. What a wonderful feeling. Sometimes, God does not immediately remove us from the darkness. In fact, He may not at all. I don't take London into a well lit room. I calm her down, put her back in the bed, and she stays there until that room is lit by natural light. It's a nice reminder. That even if He doesn't rescue us by sweeping in and whisking us away to a better situation, He's there. He's holding us, calming our souls, whispering loving and reassuring words in our ears until we can handle what we must again. Usually, London sleeps all through the night with no cries, but occasionally, we have nights where that situation is repeated all night long. But guess what, I always go in. I always hold her, and rock her, and she always drifts back to sleep. How much more faithful is our God?

For You light my lamp; the Lord my God illuminates my darkness. --Psalm 18:28

...to the GLORY of God

January 10, 2010
Have you ever counted the number of crosses in your home? I've never really thought about it before now, but they can be found all over, including around my neck at the moment. Since before Christmas, I've been pondering the life of Mary. The type of person she must have been. With pregnancy fresh in my mind, I wonder what kind of pregnancy did she have? Was she sick often? Did Jesus lay on her sciatic nerve like my child insisted on doing, causing her to drop to her knees randomly in pain? Was this young teenager scared to death, far far from her mother, knowing any day that she'd go into labor with no idea where? Or was she calm? I can't imagine being a person completely full of peace but not having at least a little bit of pre-labor anxiety. Or at least maybe snapping here and there at poor Joseph, who was probably scared to death as well.
I went to Passion last weekend, and though it wasn't as life changing as when I was younger and needed more of a spiritual high now and then, there were a lot of amazing messages that really opened my eyes. One of these was "Is God an egomaniac?" by John Piper. I don't care who you are, if John Piper doesn't make you sit up straighter in your chair when he speaks then we've got to talk. He opened our eyes to the glory of God. For so long, I thought I did things because I loved God, He loved me, I was a good kid, and so on. I never thought about the fact that He's God, and Jesus came and died and rose again, not only because He loved us, but to Glorify the Father. We talked about the verse we all say so easily, "that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord." Phillipians 2:10-11. I normally said it in response to an unbeliever standing their ground and I usually started it with, "yeah? WELL, ...." Did you know that's not the end of the verse? you probably did, but I had no idea. "and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, TO THE GLORY OF GOD THE FATHER." What in my life am I doing to glorify the Father? I have crosses all over my home, and somehow have become known as the person you give things like cross necklaces to. Not that that's wrong. and I LOVE my necklace, but I'm constantly "outwardly" showing my faith through a symbol. What am I DOING to outwardly show my faith. Jesus said that people would know we belong to Him by the way we treat each other.
So, young girl. Scared to death. Long trip. And you know that donkey ride was making those braxton hicks just unbearable. But, she was glorifying the Father. Joseph, seriously upset at the idea that he'd probably be the one to deliver his wife's child, and remember, they haven't even been intimate yet. Tired. Dusty. Glorifying the Father. The Bible is full of stories of His glory and I think it's high time I write my own. New Year's Resolution?

Crocheting

December 31, 2009
So I've decided to pick up crocheting. I mostly wanted to make London a scarf and apparently no one makes baby scarves and when my 14 year old cousin came home for Christmas crocheting, I figured I could do it too. So I went to Hobby Lobby, bought me some yarn, and a cute little How to Crochet book that even came with the needles. haha. (Funny how domestic new moms get.) So after about 10 different attempts and unraveling it, I figured it out. If you looked at my work and said my skill level was remedial, you'd be much too kind. However, it's coming together and as I sit and work on it, I can't escape thinking about our free will in this world mingled with God's finger prints on our lives. There are parts of her scarf that I messed up on. It's a little more bumpy and the pattern isn't exactly perfect. Even the yarn choice. It fades in and out of cream, brown, and pink. When looking at it, the colors aren't that pretty, but as they're woven in to make a scarf, you can see them make a beautiful pattern of color.
Sometimes, I don't do so well at making choices. I've done things that have made the road bumpy and that was my own fault. When looking back at my past, I can clearly see remnants of weeks or months that were rough. But when looking at the whole, it's just a small bump, not the huge catastrophe I once saw. And the things I've done that were perhaps not always the best choice, or the most pleasing to God, He still used to make my beautiful scarf. I'm still a work in progress. I'm only 23 and I struggle with things all the time, but I can't imagine the beauty He will accomplish when it's time for me to meet Him face to face. :)

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

Worship

December 15, 2009
I'm a person that runs on facts. However, it's funny, or rather ridiculous, how quickly I forget those facts. I realized Sunday morning in life group how often I make worship about me. At a certain time in my life, I was so angry with God. To show you the extent of my great theology and spiritual maturity, I wasn't speaking to God, haha. I felt He and I had made these plans for my life (notice I added the "and I") and He had changed that on me. There were times in church that I couldn't, or wouldn't, sing some words of the songs because I just wasn't feeling it. I didn't sing about trusting Him, because at that time, I didn't. After about a week of this nonsense, I realized that in my "not speaking" to God, it hadn't changed anything. He was still the God of the universe. He was still the Creator, and in me not speaking to Him, I was just reiterating how important He was in my life. If He meant nothing, I wouldn't have cared enough to be mad. After that, I, of course, apologized and we were bff's again. I learned then how little my worship meant in that particular way. Whether I worship or not, He's God. He is not God because I worship Him, I worship Him because He is God. If I wake up one day exhausted, London is screaming, Lance has left a ring on the coffee table or some other catastrophe has happened, He's still God. Max Lucado defined it as this, "worship is the thank you that can not be silenced." I love that. And John Piper explained it as magnification of God, not as a microscope, but a telescope, just trying to catch a glimpse of His Godliness. I'm no where near that good with words. Worship to me is fact. It's knowing that He's God at all times of my day. I drop London off at the babysitter, look into the sky and see the bright blue and the white clouds and remember that He painted those for us. It's me smiling at the crazy antics of my husband and knowing Who made him for me. In those times, I worship. Now, if only I remembered those facts at all times.

Lessons Learned Through London

November 21, 2009
Motherhood continues to hand me more lessons learned in short time periods than any other experience thus far. Lately, I've learned two very important ones. First of which is satisfaction and faith. Other than a bit of an attitude developed a little early, London is an extremely happy baby. She's a serious ham and loves to be the center of attention. I love watching her reactions when I come into the room and her faith in me as her mother and provider. When she's upset, hungry, wet, hurt, ect, she comes straight to me. Normally, it's a whiney crawl with fake or real tears and an constant "mamamama." She doesn't look to her toys to help her. She doesn't try to crawl into the kitchen alone and fix herself something to eat. She comes to the one who she knows can help her. That's a lesson I'm struggling to learn, being a serious control freak. There is One that can provide so much more than I could ever dream of giving my little one, and yet, many times, I attempt to make due on my own or look to others or things to help me. I'm very thankful for my little constant reminder of God's provision.
Secondly, I'm seeing new details in the life of Jesus that I never noticed before. As a mother of a young child, you don't "get tired" anymore, you are tired. It's a constant state that you learn to function in. It's very easy to use it as a crutch or excuse. So many times now, I see in the accounts of Jesus' life time after time when it's "late in the night" or "early in the morning" and He secrets away to be alone with God. Can you imagine how tired this 100% man, yet 100% God was? The man part must have been exhausted. People were constantly questioning, testing, asking, demanding of Him, and He gave and gave all day. There wasn't a time that He figured, "I'm exhausted...I'll hang out with my dad tomorrow." He couldn't wait to get alone with God. I've been told before that when the last thing you want to do is read your Bible, that's when you most need to. How true, and how successful. I just want to encourage other moms, no matter how old your children are. It's easy for me to use London as a crutch for a passive spiritual life and I don't want to do that anymore. In the words of Angela Thomas, "I know your kids are the busiest kids that have ever lived," but it's important to care for your own soul :)

Sheep

October 28, 2009
After going to Catalyst a couple of weeks back, Lance came home with a stack of books he was pretty excited about written by speakers he had heard there. One I was most interested in is called Scouting the Divine written by Margaret Feinberg. Hungering to know more about what Jesus is really meaning when He made comments like, "I am the good shepherd." In the culture of His day, most would have know all about the ins and outs of sheep herding, even if they themselves were not herders. Lance had explained some to me, and then one day in boredom, I went and found the book, reading through it. I was amazed at what training and discipline comes with raising sheep and what it meant for me and my relationship with God.
There is a certain loneliness that comes with being a new mother. I'm certain all moms would agree with that. Beautiful days pass you by as you deal with fussy or sleepy babies, not even risking an attempt at cruising the mall. As London grows, I can look back on the weeks and see how her little hands are molding my heart as an instrument used by God more than any other person or experience. So after reading some of this book, I wonder for the reasons on this loneliness.
Young rams that are jealous or agressive become dangerous. They ram into other sheep or fences. At this point, the shepherd removes the ram from the rest of the flock and puts it into a fenced area alone. Basically, a sheep that does not fear and respect it's master does not trust it's master and therefore is dangerous not only to itself, but to the rest of the flock.
I watch other mothers in our church probably more than they'll ever know now. Not having been raised in a "church going" family, I'm baffled at what a family centered around God would look like. I never knew before how important mothers are. I never knew the strength and trust and faith that is demanded of their hearts. I've decided that this lonely period is essential to my relationship with God and my trust and respect for Him as I try to raise my daughter in a way that's pleasing to Him. I do want to encourage other young mothers out there though. Before I read this woman's accounts of her first hand experience as a shepherd, I never thought that maybe this area in my life is there for a reason. I thought it was simply that I have few friends with children, and those that do have them, are crazy busy haha. I think it's our job to encourage each other and remind ourselves and one another during this time that this just could be God's way of readying our hearts for the assurance in Him we will need when our little ones are much more independent. Until then, I'll spend much more time in reading God's Word and talking to Him and hoping to be as flexible as possible for Him to mold me however He pleases. Maybe this time will pass faster that way ;) haha and now, I'm off to get my crying, teething baby from her nap as the last bit of beautiful sunshine, the only we've gotten in awhile, fades with my chances of being out in it. I know that soon, I'll be wishing for a day like today, just staying in with my baby girl and my Good Shepherd :)

Just an Ordinary Day :)

October 13, 2009
Today was just a Tuesday, and a rainy one at that. I woke up and went to work, came home and cleaned. Nothing special, nothing extraordinary. Six loads of laundry were washed and folded. The living room was picked up three times. London got a new tooth and the dog spilled food all over the floor. It's the end of the night, and I'm sitting in the quiet of the living room (that's dirty again) with a cup of coffee and my laptop, and this is when God is close.
He's there when the music is playing. People are on a stage, talented and in love with God. He's there when the words of God read aloud swim over me, pushing and pulling at me to stand up, sit down, raise my hands, bend my knees, dance, or just cry.
Then He's there when the world is dark. When I spend time on my face, crying out and asking where His purpose is in my life. When a friend is hurting. When a family member is confused. When things are just plain old bad. He's there.
We can all be emotional. I love "spiritual highs" and praising God in those times. However, it's not when He's just blessed me that I feel the closest to Him. Though I often feel so close when I cling to Him for support, it's not really that time when I feel the most secure in His love. It's at times like tonight. A rainy Tuesday, full of housework and dirty diapers. Sitting with a cup of coffee and a laptop and knowing that even though today was not what you would call "special," it is what He would. and I am what He would. He thinks I'm remarkable sitting right here in the recliner, because I am made in His image. I just came across a verse I have written down and is one of my favorites and it just made me smile over my cup of white chocolate raspberry coffee.
Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. --Isaiah 46:4

My Mine Field

Oct 6, 2009
In my mind, when I picture taking a walk with Jesus, I usually imagine the Garden of Eden. Walking in peaceful beauty. It's quiet, calm, perfect, and we're softly talking, heads close together, like close friends would. However, my walk with the Lord is more like walking through a mine field.
A large field where dangers are hidden by the enemy, friends, or even myself. Some have already blown up, and in their place now lies a deep pit. Sometimes, I'm in the middle of the field, which is where it is most tricky, trying to keep my trust in Him and walk the small path between things that could really throw off my journey. Other times, I'm blown all the way back to the beginning of the field, trying to make my way starting all over again, dodging the pits from the mines I've already stepped on in the past
I have the same pits that seem to occur repeatedly, mommy guilt that Satan uses against us, exhaustion, frustration, lack of patience, and the biggest one for me that seems to be the bomb hidden in the most places, living by rules and not a relationship.
Recently, I was sitting at work on a rainy day, which at a golf course is the most boring thing you could possibly think of, and remembered that I had an application I downloaded (for free) on my iPhone that has flashcards. I have three different sets of verses that I work on to memorize. (anyone that has an iPhone, I highly recommend it. it's called Flipr. It's free, and you can memorize God's word anywhere you are!) One of the verses I learned that day was 1 Peter 3:12. "For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil."
After reading that, I sat thinking on it for a bit and couldn't stop thinking about that word, righteous. The Pharisees believed they were righteous...but they obviously weren't. In fact, several times, the word "righteous" isn't meant as a compliment in the New Testament. So, I went to the handy dandy biblegateway.com. Did you know the word righteous appears in 512 verses of the Bible and 135 of the New Testament? Important word. In the verses I went through in the New Testament talking about righteousness, the definitions were so different when used in the context. There's an awesome website that breaks down the Greek and English text and from using that, it seems half of the time, the word would seem more like observing of laws that righteous, while the other times it has to do with a relationship.
Okay, boring stuff aside, the first righteous is the thorn in my side. All along, I fall into the pit that's blown me away countless times, sitting there, looking up and wondering how I did it again? How am I here, when I KNEW the hole was there because it's where I was blown up last time? All along, I should have been sporting the new meaning of righteous, a relationship. I've found that in the times of my life where I'm leaning hard on Jesus, confused, contemplative, listening and not speaking, I fall into those holes much less. I get blown up much less. Why? He knows where the mines are hidden. He knows the secret nooks and crannies of my heart that are ready to blow at any second and He's my own personal deactivator. He can deactivate the mine before it causes me, or anyone else I may be walking with at the time, harm. How wonderful is that? The God that wants to wash my feet when I should be washing His with my tears, goes before me, when I finally ask, and turns me from places that I could be harmed...or fall into a pit and sit, spiritually empty for days or longer. Sigh...what a God we serve :)

Words

September 28, 2009
I honestly don't know if other people are obsessed with language like I am. I'm sure there are some that are. Last week, 3 birthdays happened in my family, so..three birthday parties happened 3 nights in a row. By the third night, i left the party thinking, "I said Happy Birthday, but did I really mean it?" or is it something you just say, like "how are you" or "say hi to your family for me." That night, I laid down and went through my routine nightly prayers. My quiet time is in the morning, so by the evening, it's become one of those catch-alls I'm afraid. I prayed my normal things and really thought about what I was saying. What if we did that each time? We get into this routine of saying a small prayer before the meal, or before we leave for a trip, or bed...and we forget that those few words just teleported you into the throne room of GOD! How amazing? How sad that we just popped our heads in, gave a quick wave, and popped back out? I'm so guilty of that sooo very often. If I could physically see what's happening spiritually each time, would I act differently? Would I pop my head in, see that God is looking at me and I have His full attention, come in, bow to Him and speak about my love for Him and from my heart instead of just leaving? Probably. Instead, we bow our heads and say the typical two sentences and dig into the turkey legs. Or at night, what if when I prayed for God to watch over my sleeping baby while we slept, I stopped for a second and actually thought about what I was acknowledging in that? In saying, "Please watch over London tonight, Lord," I'm saying, "You are God. You can see things that I can not. You can protect her when I can not. You can put a spiritual warrior outside of her window and protect her from evil and I can not. I need you. Our family needs you to watch over our baby girl." What if when I said, "Thank you for this food," I realized that I was saying, "Oh Lord...people are starving. People are being starved. People are even starving themselves, and You have given me food. Not just food, but turkey legs! My favorite! How utterly amazing that you work in the lives of kings and queens and You've given a college student/mommy turkey legs!"


"Lord, forgive me for getting into a routine with You. Forgive me for squeezing something as amazing as prayer into a small 32 second box unless it's an official 'quiet time.' Shake me, and as hard as it is to say, do whatever You need to do to make me understand at all times that I'm not reciting a Sunday School poem prayer, but entering a room where even the angels are shielding their faces from Your Holiness. I don't want to be so caught up in being bff's with You that I forget that even the stars know Your Name. Break me Lord, until I remember at all times that you are God. I pray this for our church and for our city and for our nation, in your Holy and perfect Name. Amen."

Crazy Love

September 21, 2009
Lance and I were just talking about a very "in your face" part of Francis Chan's book, Crazy Love. He talks about the questions people ask him about their sin and if they are still Christians with this in their life. In the end, he says, "Call me crazy, but I think those verses (John 14:15, James 2:19, John 2:3-4) mean that the person who claims to know God, but doesn't obey His commands is a liar and that the truth really isn't in him." He talks about how we become Christians and make it unnecassary to become a disciple. Basically, that we're more in it at times for our salvation or looks and less because we truly love God and others.
Today was a rough day with a baby that's coming over a cold and enjoyed pushing her screaming abilities to the max. I finally settled down to drink some white chocolate raspberry coffee (YUM) and relax around 9, only for London to decided she'd prefer to stay awake for the next hour and a half. Afterwards, I had some conversations online with some friends, and now that Lance and I have talked about this, I ponder on how many points today that I went through the motions of "following God" by doing what was expected but it wasn't out of love for my Lord? I work in a golf shop at a country club part time. How often am I polite to people because it's my job, or refuse to take part in inappropriate things because "I'm a Christian" and not because I love God too much to degrade Him to having a follower that has a foot in the church and a foot in the world? How many times do we strive to make an impression on a waitress for the "Kingdom of God" because we're just trying to make up for all those lousy tables she got that day and not because God LOVES her and we love Him, so we love her? There's a song that I first heard at the Passion Conference in 08 by Hillsong called Hosanna. Some of the lyrics that always hit me hard are, "Break my heart for what breaks Your's, everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause..." Do we ever even stop to think on what in our lives is breaking the heart of our God? What I've said and mindlessly done because it's a learned habit and not from joy, who walked past me with a broken heart and I'm too wrapped up in my issue with a person that I don't even notice their downcast soul? I pray that God cleanses me of being a "Christian" and makes me a disciple of His.

Tonight's Elevate

September 16, 2009
Tonight at Elevate, Pastor Dan closed out a series about finding your life and calling. It was just such an awesome night of worship for me, personally. He talked about 2 Corinthians 12, where Paul talks of boasting. Paul says he only boasts in the weakness he's asked God to remove on three different occassions and God's response was always the same, "My grace is sufficient for you." During the worship in the beginning, students were artistically painting words on four different canvases. The whole point was that sometimes, we follow God when things are great, but when we follow Him in the dark parts of our lives, that's when we can really feel close to Him. When we are truly "leaning hard" on Him. Afterwards, Dan wrote one very important word across all the canvases together: surrender. Students came forward, finding blank spaces to write words of things they want to surrender but have been holding back, whether it was a relationship, their past, worry, whatever.
I would love to feel and witness worship as every other person does in moments like that. I know we're all different and worship is a tiny bit different to us all. For me, I sort of feel like God's spirit is hovering over us at all times. That's the only way I can think to describe it. Sometimes, it's so high and far up, I wonder if He's even there and have to step out onto faith and just know He is. At other times, I feel like it's lower and lower until at some points, it touches the ground we're on and it becomes Holy. I feel like it's all around me at those times, and everywhere in the room. It's a good suffocating, if that's possible lol, and I can't talk and I definitely can't sing because I'm so overwhelmed with joy. I honestly just stand there and cry haha. I'm so caught up in God and His holiness that I'm immediately broken.
Anyway, I was just talking to Lance about this tonight and I was curious to see if anyone else could put into words what worship felt like to them. :)

Adventures with Velcro Baby

September 14, 2009
To say that my baby is quite independent would be a serious understatement. She's not interested in cuddling or curling up in my lap. However, every so often (perhaps on a full moon, I never check. joke) London turns into a baby that can only be compared to velcro, or maybe saran wrap...or static cling. I was never one of those mothers that learned to do everything with one hand or using my feet because she was never in my arms all the time.
Today was one of the velcro baby days and by bedtime, I'm quite frazzled. However, I feel so much closer to her after these days than the ones that she wants to do things on her own. I have been pondering lately on all the things she could grow up and do that would hurt me. She could throw caution to the wind and ignore all those words of safety spoken to her through the years. She could be a young woman that gets so angry with me, that she refuses to let me into her life. She could hide away in her room downstairs and won't talk to me about what's hurting her. I could look into her eyes and see struggle, a deep need to be loved, but she's looking everywhere but to me.
...man, how often do we do that with God? I have been that young woman, looking for love and acceptance everywhere but my Father. The One that is just waiting for me to look in His direction so He could finally put my fears at ease and tell me that I'm beautiful.
I'm a big "rules" person. I love authority and see everything black and white. Before London, I figured God was just angry with people that didn't believe in Him or follow Him. Here He was, pouring out His life, and they were ignoring it. Now, as a parent, I see how it probably really is. His heart is broken. God picked out your eye color and wanted it to match the sky after a storm...or formed this man to look so much like the grandpa that loved him. He made her a mate perfect for her...watched his first steps and rejoiced with his parents.
It's hard to imagine God loving me like I love London. After a day of me crawling into His lap and refusing to be distanced from Him for too long...just smiling to Himself about how much He adores me. Marveling over the beauty that He sees in me that others never will. It's hard to imagine because He's God. The heavens declare the work of His hands. I only have a clean kitchen (sometimes) to show the work of my hands and He has stars too many to count and thousands of times the size of the sun. Yet, He loves you. Loves you like your mom and dad could never even come close to when you were a teeny 6 month old like London, being rocked and fed a bottle. I think it's time I became a velcro Christian.

September 11th

September 11, 2009
It seems like only yesterday. I was a freshman in high school and was in my first period class when the first plane hit. We were watching live when the second plane hit, and to top it off, we had a bomb threat at our school by 3rd period. We all thought the world was ending. The scariest part? I wasn't saved. I had tons of friends that went to church, but none invited me. I remember sitting there, frozen in fear, wondering what would happen to our country, and what would happen to me. I'm so thankful to those that are fighting for us now. I'm thankful that now that I am saved, I have the right to go next door to someone I don't know, introduce myself and ask if they know Jesus. I remember being in awe when I went to Austin Peay State my sophomore year of college because of all the uniforms. (It's right beside Ft. Cambell Army base, so TONS of our students were soldiers.) They had been in school for years, getting in classes between deployments. One man in my Greek class had been deployed while in college SIX times! He never complained, only joked about it. He was happy to do it. He was even GLAD. To this day, I get so weepy just seeing a police officer pulling someone over. Crazy, I realize, but rescue workers, firefighters, police officers, soldiers, nurses, doctors, teachers....I know that no matter who they are, that because of what they are, they would help me and my daughter if and when it was needed. I'm even rambling now because I can't express my gratefulness enough and my honor for such people. Thank you. Please don't forget today.

Oh, Lord, thank you that you instilled in the hearts of some of your children such a fierce loyalty and protective instinct that they're willing to spend years fighting for our freedom, and the freedom of others. Thank you that even though our hearts can't wrap around all that You did for us sometimes, You've given us a tiny sample of it in these men and women. How amazing that you allowed us to be born in America when so many others don't have any opportunities at freedom, shelter, food, water, and other things that we take for granted. Help me to remember 9/11. Help us to remember it and please, do bless America. Amen

My Stubborn Heart

Sept 8, 2009

Sometimes, I honestly can't believe how stubborn my head and heart can be towards God, and in those times, I wonder what it would be like to walk with Him like some do...completely willing and wholeheartedly. In the past, God has literally struck me with physical ailments (nothing major, don't flip lol) to get me to listen and I'm so good at pulling a Jonah and just fleeing. Last week, I had London fed, bathed, and down for a nap. The house was clean, laundry going, and was at that very moment making some homemade chicken babyfood, and though I realize that there's no such thing as Super Mom, I was thinking I was pretty darn close at that moment in time. Then, before I knew it, a freak accident causes the blender (yes, that incredibly thick glass) to shatter. Glass everywhere, the chicken ruined, and if that wasn't enough, London woke up way way too early in a BAD mood. I had to throw my hands up and laugh loudly at my silliness. I'm so thankful to God for those moments when He just lets me go until an opportunity comes where He can remind me that I'm not in control and to lean on Him and not on myself. I just wish so badly that it didn't take a shattered blender for my humility to roll around! As I sit here, I'm looking around at all the appliances I have left and I fear for them; however, I am blown away that the God of the universe, the Holiest of Holies cares enough about me (and you) that He would go to the extent of allowing me to bust my blender (or busting my blender, depending on who you're blaming lol), or my car, or whatever it takes to get me to sit down, have a cup of cappiccino with Him during naptime instead of "chores" and realize that He's in charge. Are there people out there that don't need to be strongly called by God? They feel that gentle urging and do it, instead of getting so wrapped up in their lives that we forget to listen for His voice adn don't hear it until He's seriously meaning business? I can't wait until I finally get it one day. When He'll speak gently in the wind, and I'll hear and run to Him. I can't wait until I have that relationship with Him, and I will. I'm determined. I'll give up every small appliance I own! :)

Transferring

So I've decided to transfer my blog on Unifyer and all it's posts here so that it's easier to get to, and so that anyone can see it, if they so wish, instead of those that have Unifyer through Central. :)