In this busy busy season of my life, I always feel like I'm one step ahead of getting pulled under from a swift current. I've never seen more clearly that I am a work in progress until this semester. It seems like a mother's to-do list is eternally lengthening and never accomplished and a college student's is similar but in a very different way. I'm both...in fact, I just realized that I still think in semesters, not months or years. I think that if you look at the to-do lists of students and mothers, as complicated as they are and as long as they are, they are nothing compared to the to-do list of a Christian. Add Christian to another title you carry, and you have just added tons. Today, go to the bank, talk to the babysitter about London's meals, finish term paper for Friday so you can start on the other 4 due, and...love everyone while doing it? Remember to pray more than just for God to help you keep your testimony and not lose it by honking at the people driving crazy in front of you?
The simple truths I've learned recently have hit me harder than I ever imagined and I feel like I have so much to work on that I'll never have enough time to do it all. Truths like, Most people don't need my words; in fact, most don't even want them. They need the power in the Word of God. Or, respect and honor for God is NOT love for Him. Or, I can pray for a miracle until I'm blue in the face, but in the end, God's plan is His plan and....as hard as it is to accept, He knows more than me about loving people and what is best for them.
I'm only just realizing as well, that I don't have to work on all these alone. He will fight my battles for me, if I will just release my grip on them. I can't even open a jar of pickles because of my weak hands, but somehow, I have the strength to hang on hard to the tail end of an issue and not let go, no matter how God tries to show me He's got it.
I have no deep truths to share with this blog. No insight that I have seen through the dark tunnel of life. Only the fact that I am a work in progress and am grateful that I'm not in charge. Grateful for the women in my life that are works in progress as well but are much quicker at handing Him the reins. And I'm mostly grateful that when nothing else shows me what He means by joy, or patience, or slow to anger and speech, He sends me a little girl that makes me laugh so hard every day that I have tears running down my sore cheeks, that makes me breathe in slowly every day and take a moment before I ask her for the 45th time not to scream or throw cheerios at me. I'm grateful that He shows me unconditional love in a diaper taken off without my knowledge in the crib, and that peace is not calm quiet during nap time like I originally thought, but in watching her sleep and knowing she's safe and being secure in her love.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Bride of Christ
Lately through reading and studying, one word continues to jump out at me over and over. Bride. The word is used 43 times in the New American Standard Bible, but my favorite use of the word is when it is referred to the body of the Church. First of all, I was a bride and so I can relate. All the preparation, all the anxiety, all the stress of tablecloths, wardrobe, and food all comes down to one moment where I was joined in a covenant with Lance for the rest of our lives here on earth. When I think of the word "bride," a lot of things come to mind as I'm sure it does with most women. Beautiful, exciting, fresh, new, young. But the one that continues to dance in my mind is alone. Not individually, but the bride and bridegroom. As full time college students and young parents, Lance and I know the glory of a moment secreted away with just the two of us. We did not know before London was here that those precious moments where it was always just the two of us were to be captured in the heart and remembered as such a sweet time. I love that we will always always be Jesus' bride. That it will always be this sweet time of me and Him, taking long walks with no worries as to what I should be doing, chatting forever without running out of things to say, just as a new bride and bridegroom do. It will never become routine, it will never become ordinary, and I will never become "wife" but always a young beautiful bride. Not that wife has any negative connotation, but any means, I hold the term wife as a very sacred thing, but it does not give me the same ideas that bride does, and this is why the Word uses "bride." Doesn't it just make you want to look your best and act your best and be ready for Him to come get you any day and sweep you right off your feet? :)
"Let us rejoice and be glad and give the glory to Him, for the marriage of the Lamb has come and His bride has made herself ready." Revelation 19:7
"Let us rejoice and be glad and give the glory to Him, for the marriage of the Lamb has come and His bride has made herself ready." Revelation 19:7
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Easter Extremes :)
April 4, 2010
For a passionate, at times extremist, personality, living in a world of balance can be quite frustrating and complex. As I grow older, I find that more and more things in my life require a proper balance. London is toddling with help and will be running away from us any day now with new independence, and through this new toddler stage, I'm having to learn that complete control over with tons of unnecessary "no's" is bad, but allowing her to do whatever because she's only one is very bad too. I'm learning that my insistence on a healthy diet is mostly good, but denying myself or family some delightful treats removes the good of that whole concept. Here lately, God has been teaching me some other balances as well.
Recently, I've been praying for a deep deep yearning for His Word. I had continued to read my Bible consistently, but it wasn't jumping at me to need it like I need food. When does He decide to stoke in me a great need for His Word right there and then? The only break in my day between classes that I needed to study so badly for a Restoration & Neoclassical Literature exam. I am a perfectionist to a fault and I do not do well with making less than an A. He's slowly showing me that for me to ask Him to become my all, I must make Him my all, not just before school but before myself and my extremes. (by the way, I made an 81 on that test. I was hoping He would reward my reading His word with an immaculate conception of knowledge but it did not happen haha).
He's also been showing me a balance between Truth and Love. At times, I can not see farther than His Truth, when His love is what is needed too. I did not know until not long ago that they are not two things that come hand in hand. I can not remember who said it, but there's a quote that says something along the lines of, "Truth without Love is too harsh, and Love without Truth is too weak."
These have been very hard for me to not only wrap my head around because it is so out of my nature, but they have been very very hard for me to accept and surrender to. However, as today, Easter Sunday, passes, I am eternally grateful that out of all the balances He asks of my life, I can not love Him too much. I can not be too excited and humbled and ready to see Him face to face. In our love, He gives no boundaries and allows us to be the crazy, extremists we tend to be. Isn't that just like our King? That is so Him. I love it
For a passionate, at times extremist, personality, living in a world of balance can be quite frustrating and complex. As I grow older, I find that more and more things in my life require a proper balance. London is toddling with help and will be running away from us any day now with new independence, and through this new toddler stage, I'm having to learn that complete control over with tons of unnecessary "no's" is bad, but allowing her to do whatever because she's only one is very bad too. I'm learning that my insistence on a healthy diet is mostly good, but denying myself or family some delightful treats removes the good of that whole concept. Here lately, God has been teaching me some other balances as well.
Recently, I've been praying for a deep deep yearning for His Word. I had continued to read my Bible consistently, but it wasn't jumping at me to need it like I need food. When does He decide to stoke in me a great need for His Word right there and then? The only break in my day between classes that I needed to study so badly for a Restoration & Neoclassical Literature exam. I am a perfectionist to a fault and I do not do well with making less than an A. He's slowly showing me that for me to ask Him to become my all, I must make Him my all, not just before school but before myself and my extremes. (by the way, I made an 81 on that test. I was hoping He would reward my reading His word with an immaculate conception of knowledge but it did not happen haha).
He's also been showing me a balance between Truth and Love. At times, I can not see farther than His Truth, when His love is what is needed too. I did not know until not long ago that they are not two things that come hand in hand. I can not remember who said it, but there's a quote that says something along the lines of, "Truth without Love is too harsh, and Love without Truth is too weak."
These have been very hard for me to not only wrap my head around because it is so out of my nature, but they have been very very hard for me to accept and surrender to. However, as today, Easter Sunday, passes, I am eternally grateful that out of all the balances He asks of my life, I can not love Him too much. I can not be too excited and humbled and ready to see Him face to face. In our love, He gives no boundaries and allows us to be the crazy, extremists we tend to be. Isn't that just like our King? That is so Him. I love it
Clouds
March 10, 2010
I don't know if other people have experienced what I have been going through. I'm sure they have, but it's not something we probably offer up in conversations. Lately, I feel like when I pray to God, out loud, in my heart, on paper, whatever, I'm talking to myself. No one wants to admit that they're distanced from God, but it's what sin will do. I know that several groups of ladies in our church are currently doing Beth Moore's Breaking Free study, and let me just say, it's kicking my bottom for lack of better words. I don't know that I've ever felt more spiritually overwhelmed, more oppressed, or more scared as to how I will have time to fix ALL these issues at one time. I feel like it will take years! For a couple weeks, I had fallen a few times here and there into Satan's lies and lost hope that God could get me out of all these issues. Generational sin, bitterness from long ago, slander, the list just kept coming with every day of homework and every quiet time.
As this silence from God came over me, I felt covered in a dark cloud. So, being the resourceful procrastinator that I am, instead of doing homework for my Modern American Literature class, I went to biblegateway.com and searched cloud. I love topic Bible studies and I'm so grateful for God's word. I was brought to 153 verses that include the word cloud, but nothing pierced my heart like Genesis 9:14-15 "Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life." Of course, in context, God is speaking to Noah and promising that He will never flood the earth to destroy it again, but to me, He is saying clouds will come down on you, but if you'll look into that cloud, you'll see My promises and the hope that I offer you. I will not destroy you because I have plans for you that will prosper you, not harm you. How silly of me to take the bait of Satan and think my problems are too big for my God? How silly to think God will pull away from me and let the waters of my sin and my tribulations rise and not rescue me before I drown? Thank God that we can put our hope in Jesus and lean on His understanding. I just wanted to share a painful struggle I've been having and I'm still having, in case God is working through the other studies or completely different ones and this verse may help remember His promises. Standing on the promises, right? Even if you can't currently hear or see anything but darkness.
"But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you." Psalm 39:7
I don't know if other people have experienced what I have been going through. I'm sure they have, but it's not something we probably offer up in conversations. Lately, I feel like when I pray to God, out loud, in my heart, on paper, whatever, I'm talking to myself. No one wants to admit that they're distanced from God, but it's what sin will do. I know that several groups of ladies in our church are currently doing Beth Moore's Breaking Free study, and let me just say, it's kicking my bottom for lack of better words. I don't know that I've ever felt more spiritually overwhelmed, more oppressed, or more scared as to how I will have time to fix ALL these issues at one time. I feel like it will take years! For a couple weeks, I had fallen a few times here and there into Satan's lies and lost hope that God could get me out of all these issues. Generational sin, bitterness from long ago, slander, the list just kept coming with every day of homework and every quiet time.
As this silence from God came over me, I felt covered in a dark cloud. So, being the resourceful procrastinator that I am, instead of doing homework for my Modern American Literature class, I went to biblegateway.com and searched cloud. I love topic Bible studies and I'm so grateful for God's word. I was brought to 153 verses that include the word cloud, but nothing pierced my heart like Genesis 9:14-15 "Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life." Of course, in context, God is speaking to Noah and promising that He will never flood the earth to destroy it again, but to me, He is saying clouds will come down on you, but if you'll look into that cloud, you'll see My promises and the hope that I offer you. I will not destroy you because I have plans for you that will prosper you, not harm you. How silly of me to take the bait of Satan and think my problems are too big for my God? How silly to think God will pull away from me and let the waters of my sin and my tribulations rise and not rescue me before I drown? Thank God that we can put our hope in Jesus and lean on His understanding. I just wanted to share a painful struggle I've been having and I'm still having, in case God is working through the other studies or completely different ones and this verse may help remember His promises. Standing on the promises, right? Even if you can't currently hear or see anything but darkness.
"But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you." Psalm 39:7
Girls Retreat
March 8, 2010
This past weekend, the central university girls were given the opportunity to spend a couple of days at the Nix's cabin in Mountain Home. It was absolutely beautiful and had an amazing view that blew us all away. Sunday, when we left, I stood alone and looked at the view. I had marveled all weekend over that view. The hills and the lake from such a height, but on Sunday, I stood there looking out and marveling instead on how beautiful the women were that came on the trip. I was blown away at the loveliness of these young women as I got to know them, not only in their talents and personalities, but in their hearts.
We went over images of sisterhood in the Bible all weekend and looked at the stories of Leah and Rachel, Naomi and Ruth, and the women that ministered to Jesus and followed Him to the cross and discovered He was risen first. I'm so glad that God chose to teach us, and especially me, some very hard lessons that should be taken to heart while I became involved in the details of these girls' lives. I think the biggest lesson I learned, however, did not come from a big group discussion or the study guide that I constantly made in my journal. It came late Saturday night. Almost everyone was asleep, the lights were almost all turned out, and typical me was washing all the paint brushes that still had paint on them from crafts. (I have a fear of things ruining) One other girl was still awake, working on her canvas, trying to capture her perspective of the bible studies over the weekend. She's only been to Elevate (our wednesday night service for the university) a couple of times and decided to come this weekend. I, honestly, do not know her that well, but I'll tell you, this girl is absolutely beautiful, physically and inside. She has an amazing talent with art and her canvas was about 100 times better than mine haha. The lesson however, came not in her beauty or talent, as much as her determination. She is also a young mother, and I knew she was tired and had been tired for awhile, but wanted to finish something she had put so much time and effort and herself into.
I stood at the sink washing I think 500 paint brushes at almost 3 in the morning and watched her, pondering my relationship with God. What a beautiful romantic relationship I could have with Him. I put so much of myself into it sometimes, and time, and effort, only to give up when I feel defeated by the clock, the world, or myself. But how simply beautiful it is that He doesn't? He is that young girl. He has worked in you, put a piece of Himself into you, devoted time and energy on you, and He knows what beauty your masterpiece holds. He can see the finished product when we can not, and He knows that that part that looks like it doesn't fit into the canvas or doesn't match the rest will be influential in making His work one of a kind.
So, on Sunday, I thanked Him for that. I looked at the lake and the sky and the view and saw for a second what He saw in His young daughters. Grace and beauty.
For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. --2 Corinthians 4:18
This past weekend, the central university girls were given the opportunity to spend a couple of days at the Nix's cabin in Mountain Home. It was absolutely beautiful and had an amazing view that blew us all away. Sunday, when we left, I stood alone and looked at the view. I had marveled all weekend over that view. The hills and the lake from such a height, but on Sunday, I stood there looking out and marveling instead on how beautiful the women were that came on the trip. I was blown away at the loveliness of these young women as I got to know them, not only in their talents and personalities, but in their hearts.
We went over images of sisterhood in the Bible all weekend and looked at the stories of Leah and Rachel, Naomi and Ruth, and the women that ministered to Jesus and followed Him to the cross and discovered He was risen first. I'm so glad that God chose to teach us, and especially me, some very hard lessons that should be taken to heart while I became involved in the details of these girls' lives. I think the biggest lesson I learned, however, did not come from a big group discussion or the study guide that I constantly made in my journal. It came late Saturday night. Almost everyone was asleep, the lights were almost all turned out, and typical me was washing all the paint brushes that still had paint on them from crafts. (I have a fear of things ruining) One other girl was still awake, working on her canvas, trying to capture her perspective of the bible studies over the weekend. She's only been to Elevate (our wednesday night service for the university) a couple of times and decided to come this weekend. I, honestly, do not know her that well, but I'll tell you, this girl is absolutely beautiful, physically and inside. She has an amazing talent with art and her canvas was about 100 times better than mine haha. The lesson however, came not in her beauty or talent, as much as her determination. She is also a young mother, and I knew she was tired and had been tired for awhile, but wanted to finish something she had put so much time and effort and herself into.
I stood at the sink washing I think 500 paint brushes at almost 3 in the morning and watched her, pondering my relationship with God. What a beautiful romantic relationship I could have with Him. I put so much of myself into it sometimes, and time, and effort, only to give up when I feel defeated by the clock, the world, or myself. But how simply beautiful it is that He doesn't? He is that young girl. He has worked in you, put a piece of Himself into you, devoted time and energy on you, and He knows what beauty your masterpiece holds. He can see the finished product when we can not, and He knows that that part that looks like it doesn't fit into the canvas or doesn't match the rest will be influential in making His work one of a kind.
So, on Sunday, I thanked Him for that. I looked at the lake and the sky and the view and saw for a second what He saw in His young daughters. Grace and beauty.
For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. --2 Corinthians 4:18
Darkness
February 2, 2010
Last night before Lance and I went to bed, London woke up screaming. Parents know the difference in those cries. Usually at night, it's the whiney one that is quite easy to ignore for the 5 seconds that she's making it before falling back to sleep. However, there are those, like last night, that make you want to run into their room and rescue them. I don't know if she was having a bad dream or just woke up confused, but she was quite unhappy. Other than a tiny bit of lamp light from our room across the hall coming in her partially open door, it was completely dark in her room as I sat rocking her. About five minutes into it, I started crying. How many times have you awakened in your life to utter darkness? I have several times. I've had times in my life where I feel like I had been spiritually asleep for however long, and suddenly, I'm awake and scared about what's going on around me and where I am. Sometimes, like London, I don't even know where I am. In those moments, London has the right idea. There's nothing to do but cry out. I see David over and over, crying out to God in Psalms from his darkness.
So, when I go in to get her, I grab her, the pacy, and of course, her favorite blanket. Even in the darkness, she knows it's me. And as my eyes adjust, I can always start to make out her face and she's always sitting there, eyes wide still, but completely calm. What a wonderful feeling. Sometimes, God does not immediately remove us from the darkness. In fact, He may not at all. I don't take London into a well lit room. I calm her down, put her back in the bed, and she stays there until that room is lit by natural light. It's a nice reminder. That even if He doesn't rescue us by sweeping in and whisking us away to a better situation, He's there. He's holding us, calming our souls, whispering loving and reassuring words in our ears until we can handle what we must again. Usually, London sleeps all through the night with no cries, but occasionally, we have nights where that situation is repeated all night long. But guess what, I always go in. I always hold her, and rock her, and she always drifts back to sleep. How much more faithful is our God?
For You light my lamp; the Lord my God illuminates my darkness. --Psalm 18:28
Last night before Lance and I went to bed, London woke up screaming. Parents know the difference in those cries. Usually at night, it's the whiney one that is quite easy to ignore for the 5 seconds that she's making it before falling back to sleep. However, there are those, like last night, that make you want to run into their room and rescue them. I don't know if she was having a bad dream or just woke up confused, but she was quite unhappy. Other than a tiny bit of lamp light from our room across the hall coming in her partially open door, it was completely dark in her room as I sat rocking her. About five minutes into it, I started crying. How many times have you awakened in your life to utter darkness? I have several times. I've had times in my life where I feel like I had been spiritually asleep for however long, and suddenly, I'm awake and scared about what's going on around me and where I am. Sometimes, like London, I don't even know where I am. In those moments, London has the right idea. There's nothing to do but cry out. I see David over and over, crying out to God in Psalms from his darkness.
So, when I go in to get her, I grab her, the pacy, and of course, her favorite blanket. Even in the darkness, she knows it's me. And as my eyes adjust, I can always start to make out her face and she's always sitting there, eyes wide still, but completely calm. What a wonderful feeling. Sometimes, God does not immediately remove us from the darkness. In fact, He may not at all. I don't take London into a well lit room. I calm her down, put her back in the bed, and she stays there until that room is lit by natural light. It's a nice reminder. That even if He doesn't rescue us by sweeping in and whisking us away to a better situation, He's there. He's holding us, calming our souls, whispering loving and reassuring words in our ears until we can handle what we must again. Usually, London sleeps all through the night with no cries, but occasionally, we have nights where that situation is repeated all night long. But guess what, I always go in. I always hold her, and rock her, and she always drifts back to sleep. How much more faithful is our God?
For You light my lamp; the Lord my God illuminates my darkness. --Psalm 18:28
...to the GLORY of God
January 10, 2010
Have you ever counted the number of crosses in your home? I've never really thought about it before now, but they can be found all over, including around my neck at the moment. Since before Christmas, I've been pondering the life of Mary. The type of person she must have been. With pregnancy fresh in my mind, I wonder what kind of pregnancy did she have? Was she sick often? Did Jesus lay on her sciatic nerve like my child insisted on doing, causing her to drop to her knees randomly in pain? Was this young teenager scared to death, far far from her mother, knowing any day that she'd go into labor with no idea where? Or was she calm? I can't imagine being a person completely full of peace but not having at least a little bit of pre-labor anxiety. Or at least maybe snapping here and there at poor Joseph, who was probably scared to death as well.
I went to Passion last weekend, and though it wasn't as life changing as when I was younger and needed more of a spiritual high now and then, there were a lot of amazing messages that really opened my eyes. One of these was "Is God an egomaniac?" by John Piper. I don't care who you are, if John Piper doesn't make you sit up straighter in your chair when he speaks then we've got to talk. He opened our eyes to the glory of God. For so long, I thought I did things because I loved God, He loved me, I was a good kid, and so on. I never thought about the fact that He's God, and Jesus came and died and rose again, not only because He loved us, but to Glorify the Father. We talked about the verse we all say so easily, "that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord." Phillipians 2:10-11. I normally said it in response to an unbeliever standing their ground and I usually started it with, "yeah? WELL, ...." Did you know that's not the end of the verse? you probably did, but I had no idea. "and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, TO THE GLORY OF GOD THE FATHER." What in my life am I doing to glorify the Father? I have crosses all over my home, and somehow have become known as the person you give things like cross necklaces to. Not that that's wrong. and I LOVE my necklace, but I'm constantly "outwardly" showing my faith through a symbol. What am I DOING to outwardly show my faith. Jesus said that people would know we belong to Him by the way we treat each other.
So, young girl. Scared to death. Long trip. And you know that donkey ride was making those braxton hicks just unbearable. But, she was glorifying the Father. Joseph, seriously upset at the idea that he'd probably be the one to deliver his wife's child, and remember, they haven't even been intimate yet. Tired. Dusty. Glorifying the Father. The Bible is full of stories of His glory and I think it's high time I write my own. New Year's Resolution?
Have you ever counted the number of crosses in your home? I've never really thought about it before now, but they can be found all over, including around my neck at the moment. Since before Christmas, I've been pondering the life of Mary. The type of person she must have been. With pregnancy fresh in my mind, I wonder what kind of pregnancy did she have? Was she sick often? Did Jesus lay on her sciatic nerve like my child insisted on doing, causing her to drop to her knees randomly in pain? Was this young teenager scared to death, far far from her mother, knowing any day that she'd go into labor with no idea where? Or was she calm? I can't imagine being a person completely full of peace but not having at least a little bit of pre-labor anxiety. Or at least maybe snapping here and there at poor Joseph, who was probably scared to death as well.
I went to Passion last weekend, and though it wasn't as life changing as when I was younger and needed more of a spiritual high now and then, there were a lot of amazing messages that really opened my eyes. One of these was "Is God an egomaniac?" by John Piper. I don't care who you are, if John Piper doesn't make you sit up straighter in your chair when he speaks then we've got to talk. He opened our eyes to the glory of God. For so long, I thought I did things because I loved God, He loved me, I was a good kid, and so on. I never thought about the fact that He's God, and Jesus came and died and rose again, not only because He loved us, but to Glorify the Father. We talked about the verse we all say so easily, "that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord." Phillipians 2:10-11. I normally said it in response to an unbeliever standing their ground and I usually started it with, "yeah? WELL, ...." Did you know that's not the end of the verse? you probably did, but I had no idea. "and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, TO THE GLORY OF GOD THE FATHER." What in my life am I doing to glorify the Father? I have crosses all over my home, and somehow have become known as the person you give things like cross necklaces to. Not that that's wrong. and I LOVE my necklace, but I'm constantly "outwardly" showing my faith through a symbol. What am I DOING to outwardly show my faith. Jesus said that people would know we belong to Him by the way we treat each other.
So, young girl. Scared to death. Long trip. And you know that donkey ride was making those braxton hicks just unbearable. But, she was glorifying the Father. Joseph, seriously upset at the idea that he'd probably be the one to deliver his wife's child, and remember, they haven't even been intimate yet. Tired. Dusty. Glorifying the Father. The Bible is full of stories of His glory and I think it's high time I write my own. New Year's Resolution?
Crocheting
December 31, 2009
So I've decided to pick up crocheting. I mostly wanted to make London a scarf and apparently no one makes baby scarves and when my 14 year old cousin came home for Christmas crocheting, I figured I could do it too. So I went to Hobby Lobby, bought me some yarn, and a cute little How to Crochet book that even came with the needles. haha. (Funny how domestic new moms get.) So after about 10 different attempts and unraveling it, I figured it out. If you looked at my work and said my skill level was remedial, you'd be much too kind. However, it's coming together and as I sit and work on it, I can't escape thinking about our free will in this world mingled with God's finger prints on our lives. There are parts of her scarf that I messed up on. It's a little more bumpy and the pattern isn't exactly perfect. Even the yarn choice. It fades in and out of cream, brown, and pink. When looking at it, the colors aren't that pretty, but as they're woven in to make a scarf, you can see them make a beautiful pattern of color.
Sometimes, I don't do so well at making choices. I've done things that have made the road bumpy and that was my own fault. When looking back at my past, I can clearly see remnants of weeks or months that were rough. But when looking at the whole, it's just a small bump, not the huge catastrophe I once saw. And the things I've done that were perhaps not always the best choice, or the most pleasing to God, He still used to make my beautiful scarf. I'm still a work in progress. I'm only 23 and I struggle with things all the time, but I can't imagine the beauty He will accomplish when it's time for me to meet Him face to face. :)
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28
So I've decided to pick up crocheting. I mostly wanted to make London a scarf and apparently no one makes baby scarves and when my 14 year old cousin came home for Christmas crocheting, I figured I could do it too. So I went to Hobby Lobby, bought me some yarn, and a cute little How to Crochet book that even came with the needles. haha. (Funny how domestic new moms get.) So after about 10 different attempts and unraveling it, I figured it out. If you looked at my work and said my skill level was remedial, you'd be much too kind. However, it's coming together and as I sit and work on it, I can't escape thinking about our free will in this world mingled with God's finger prints on our lives. There are parts of her scarf that I messed up on. It's a little more bumpy and the pattern isn't exactly perfect. Even the yarn choice. It fades in and out of cream, brown, and pink. When looking at it, the colors aren't that pretty, but as they're woven in to make a scarf, you can see them make a beautiful pattern of color.
Sometimes, I don't do so well at making choices. I've done things that have made the road bumpy and that was my own fault. When looking back at my past, I can clearly see remnants of weeks or months that were rough. But when looking at the whole, it's just a small bump, not the huge catastrophe I once saw. And the things I've done that were perhaps not always the best choice, or the most pleasing to God, He still used to make my beautiful scarf. I'm still a work in progress. I'm only 23 and I struggle with things all the time, but I can't imagine the beauty He will accomplish when it's time for me to meet Him face to face. :)
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28
Worship
December 15, 2009
I'm a person that runs on facts. However, it's funny, or rather ridiculous, how quickly I forget those facts. I realized Sunday morning in life group how often I make worship about me. At a certain time in my life, I was so angry with God. To show you the extent of my great theology and spiritual maturity, I wasn't speaking to God, haha. I felt He and I had made these plans for my life (notice I added the "and I") and He had changed that on me. There were times in church that I couldn't, or wouldn't, sing some words of the songs because I just wasn't feeling it. I didn't sing about trusting Him, because at that time, I didn't. After about a week of this nonsense, I realized that in my "not speaking" to God, it hadn't changed anything. He was still the God of the universe. He was still the Creator, and in me not speaking to Him, I was just reiterating how important He was in my life. If He meant nothing, I wouldn't have cared enough to be mad. After that, I, of course, apologized and we were bff's again. I learned then how little my worship meant in that particular way. Whether I worship or not, He's God. He is not God because I worship Him, I worship Him because He is God. If I wake up one day exhausted, London is screaming, Lance has left a ring on the coffee table or some other catastrophe has happened, He's still God. Max Lucado defined it as this, "worship is the thank you that can not be silenced." I love that. And John Piper explained it as magnification of God, not as a microscope, but a telescope, just trying to catch a glimpse of His Godliness. I'm no where near that good with words. Worship to me is fact. It's knowing that He's God at all times of my day. I drop London off at the babysitter, look into the sky and see the bright blue and the white clouds and remember that He painted those for us. It's me smiling at the crazy antics of my husband and knowing Who made him for me. In those times, I worship. Now, if only I remembered those facts at all times.
I'm a person that runs on facts. However, it's funny, or rather ridiculous, how quickly I forget those facts. I realized Sunday morning in life group how often I make worship about me. At a certain time in my life, I was so angry with God. To show you the extent of my great theology and spiritual maturity, I wasn't speaking to God, haha. I felt He and I had made these plans for my life (notice I added the "and I") and He had changed that on me. There were times in church that I couldn't, or wouldn't, sing some words of the songs because I just wasn't feeling it. I didn't sing about trusting Him, because at that time, I didn't. After about a week of this nonsense, I realized that in my "not speaking" to God, it hadn't changed anything. He was still the God of the universe. He was still the Creator, and in me not speaking to Him, I was just reiterating how important He was in my life. If He meant nothing, I wouldn't have cared enough to be mad. After that, I, of course, apologized and we were bff's again. I learned then how little my worship meant in that particular way. Whether I worship or not, He's God. He is not God because I worship Him, I worship Him because He is God. If I wake up one day exhausted, London is screaming, Lance has left a ring on the coffee table or some other catastrophe has happened, He's still God. Max Lucado defined it as this, "worship is the thank you that can not be silenced." I love that. And John Piper explained it as magnification of God, not as a microscope, but a telescope, just trying to catch a glimpse of His Godliness. I'm no where near that good with words. Worship to me is fact. It's knowing that He's God at all times of my day. I drop London off at the babysitter, look into the sky and see the bright blue and the white clouds and remember that He painted those for us. It's me smiling at the crazy antics of my husband and knowing Who made him for me. In those times, I worship. Now, if only I remembered those facts at all times.
Lessons Learned Through London
November 21, 2009
Motherhood continues to hand me more lessons learned in short time periods than any other experience thus far. Lately, I've learned two very important ones. First of which is satisfaction and faith. Other than a bit of an attitude developed a little early, London is an extremely happy baby. She's a serious ham and loves to be the center of attention. I love watching her reactions when I come into the room and her faith in me as her mother and provider. When she's upset, hungry, wet, hurt, ect, she comes straight to me. Normally, it's a whiney crawl with fake or real tears and an constant "mamamama." She doesn't look to her toys to help her. She doesn't try to crawl into the kitchen alone and fix herself something to eat. She comes to the one who she knows can help her. That's a lesson I'm struggling to learn, being a serious control freak. There is One that can provide so much more than I could ever dream of giving my little one, and yet, many times, I attempt to make due on my own or look to others or things to help me. I'm very thankful for my little constant reminder of God's provision.
Secondly, I'm seeing new details in the life of Jesus that I never noticed before. As a mother of a young child, you don't "get tired" anymore, you are tired. It's a constant state that you learn to function in. It's very easy to use it as a crutch or excuse. So many times now, I see in the accounts of Jesus' life time after time when it's "late in the night" or "early in the morning" and He secrets away to be alone with God. Can you imagine how tired this 100% man, yet 100% God was? The man part must have been exhausted. People were constantly questioning, testing, asking, demanding of Him, and He gave and gave all day. There wasn't a time that He figured, "I'm exhausted...I'll hang out with my dad tomorrow." He couldn't wait to get alone with God. I've been told before that when the last thing you want to do is read your Bible, that's when you most need to. How true, and how successful. I just want to encourage other moms, no matter how old your children are. It's easy for me to use London as a crutch for a passive spiritual life and I don't want to do that anymore. In the words of Angela Thomas, "I know your kids are the busiest kids that have ever lived," but it's important to care for your own soul :)
Motherhood continues to hand me more lessons learned in short time periods than any other experience thus far. Lately, I've learned two very important ones. First of which is satisfaction and faith. Other than a bit of an attitude developed a little early, London is an extremely happy baby. She's a serious ham and loves to be the center of attention. I love watching her reactions when I come into the room and her faith in me as her mother and provider. When she's upset, hungry, wet, hurt, ect, she comes straight to me. Normally, it's a whiney crawl with fake or real tears and an constant "mamamama." She doesn't look to her toys to help her. She doesn't try to crawl into the kitchen alone and fix herself something to eat. She comes to the one who she knows can help her. That's a lesson I'm struggling to learn, being a serious control freak. There is One that can provide so much more than I could ever dream of giving my little one, and yet, many times, I attempt to make due on my own or look to others or things to help me. I'm very thankful for my little constant reminder of God's provision.
Secondly, I'm seeing new details in the life of Jesus that I never noticed before. As a mother of a young child, you don't "get tired" anymore, you are tired. It's a constant state that you learn to function in. It's very easy to use it as a crutch or excuse. So many times now, I see in the accounts of Jesus' life time after time when it's "late in the night" or "early in the morning" and He secrets away to be alone with God. Can you imagine how tired this 100% man, yet 100% God was? The man part must have been exhausted. People were constantly questioning, testing, asking, demanding of Him, and He gave and gave all day. There wasn't a time that He figured, "I'm exhausted...I'll hang out with my dad tomorrow." He couldn't wait to get alone with God. I've been told before that when the last thing you want to do is read your Bible, that's when you most need to. How true, and how successful. I just want to encourage other moms, no matter how old your children are. It's easy for me to use London as a crutch for a passive spiritual life and I don't want to do that anymore. In the words of Angela Thomas, "I know your kids are the busiest kids that have ever lived," but it's important to care for your own soul :)
Sheep
October 28, 2009
After going to Catalyst a couple of weeks back, Lance came home with a stack of books he was pretty excited about written by speakers he had heard there. One I was most interested in is called Scouting the Divine written by Margaret Feinberg. Hungering to know more about what Jesus is really meaning when He made comments like, "I am the good shepherd." In the culture of His day, most would have know all about the ins and outs of sheep herding, even if they themselves were not herders. Lance had explained some to me, and then one day in boredom, I went and found the book, reading through it. I was amazed at what training and discipline comes with raising sheep and what it meant for me and my relationship with God.
There is a certain loneliness that comes with being a new mother. I'm certain all moms would agree with that. Beautiful days pass you by as you deal with fussy or sleepy babies, not even risking an attempt at cruising the mall. As London grows, I can look back on the weeks and see how her little hands are molding my heart as an instrument used by God more than any other person or experience. So after reading some of this book, I wonder for the reasons on this loneliness.
Young rams that are jealous or agressive become dangerous. They ram into other sheep or fences. At this point, the shepherd removes the ram from the rest of the flock and puts it into a fenced area alone. Basically, a sheep that does not fear and respect it's master does not trust it's master and therefore is dangerous not only to itself, but to the rest of the flock.
I watch other mothers in our church probably more than they'll ever know now. Not having been raised in a "church going" family, I'm baffled at what a family centered around God would look like. I never knew before how important mothers are. I never knew the strength and trust and faith that is demanded of their hearts. I've decided that this lonely period is essential to my relationship with God and my trust and respect for Him as I try to raise my daughter in a way that's pleasing to Him. I do want to encourage other young mothers out there though. Before I read this woman's accounts of her first hand experience as a shepherd, I never thought that maybe this area in my life is there for a reason. I thought it was simply that I have few friends with children, and those that do have them, are crazy busy haha. I think it's our job to encourage each other and remind ourselves and one another during this time that this just could be God's way of readying our hearts for the assurance in Him we will need when our little ones are much more independent. Until then, I'll spend much more time in reading God's Word and talking to Him and hoping to be as flexible as possible for Him to mold me however He pleases. Maybe this time will pass faster that way ;) haha and now, I'm off to get my crying, teething baby from her nap as the last bit of beautiful sunshine, the only we've gotten in awhile, fades with my chances of being out in it. I know that soon, I'll be wishing for a day like today, just staying in with my baby girl and my Good Shepherd :)
After going to Catalyst a couple of weeks back, Lance came home with a stack of books he was pretty excited about written by speakers he had heard there. One I was most interested in is called Scouting the Divine written by Margaret Feinberg. Hungering to know more about what Jesus is really meaning when He made comments like, "I am the good shepherd." In the culture of His day, most would have know all about the ins and outs of sheep herding, even if they themselves were not herders. Lance had explained some to me, and then one day in boredom, I went and found the book, reading through it. I was amazed at what training and discipline comes with raising sheep and what it meant for me and my relationship with God.
There is a certain loneliness that comes with being a new mother. I'm certain all moms would agree with that. Beautiful days pass you by as you deal with fussy or sleepy babies, not even risking an attempt at cruising the mall. As London grows, I can look back on the weeks and see how her little hands are molding my heart as an instrument used by God more than any other person or experience. So after reading some of this book, I wonder for the reasons on this loneliness.
Young rams that are jealous or agressive become dangerous. They ram into other sheep or fences. At this point, the shepherd removes the ram from the rest of the flock and puts it into a fenced area alone. Basically, a sheep that does not fear and respect it's master does not trust it's master and therefore is dangerous not only to itself, but to the rest of the flock.
I watch other mothers in our church probably more than they'll ever know now. Not having been raised in a "church going" family, I'm baffled at what a family centered around God would look like. I never knew before how important mothers are. I never knew the strength and trust and faith that is demanded of their hearts. I've decided that this lonely period is essential to my relationship with God and my trust and respect for Him as I try to raise my daughter in a way that's pleasing to Him. I do want to encourage other young mothers out there though. Before I read this woman's accounts of her first hand experience as a shepherd, I never thought that maybe this area in my life is there for a reason. I thought it was simply that I have few friends with children, and those that do have them, are crazy busy haha. I think it's our job to encourage each other and remind ourselves and one another during this time that this just could be God's way of readying our hearts for the assurance in Him we will need when our little ones are much more independent. Until then, I'll spend much more time in reading God's Word and talking to Him and hoping to be as flexible as possible for Him to mold me however He pleases. Maybe this time will pass faster that way ;) haha and now, I'm off to get my crying, teething baby from her nap as the last bit of beautiful sunshine, the only we've gotten in awhile, fades with my chances of being out in it. I know that soon, I'll be wishing for a day like today, just staying in with my baby girl and my Good Shepherd :)
Just an Ordinary Day :)
October 13, 2009
Today was just a Tuesday, and a rainy one at that. I woke up and went to work, came home and cleaned. Nothing special, nothing extraordinary. Six loads of laundry were washed and folded. The living room was picked up three times. London got a new tooth and the dog spilled food all over the floor. It's the end of the night, and I'm sitting in the quiet of the living room (that's dirty again) with a cup of coffee and my laptop, and this is when God is close.
He's there when the music is playing. People are on a stage, talented and in love with God. He's there when the words of God read aloud swim over me, pushing and pulling at me to stand up, sit down, raise my hands, bend my knees, dance, or just cry.
Then He's there when the world is dark. When I spend time on my face, crying out and asking where His purpose is in my life. When a friend is hurting. When a family member is confused. When things are just plain old bad. He's there.
We can all be emotional. I love "spiritual highs" and praising God in those times. However, it's not when He's just blessed me that I feel the closest to Him. Though I often feel so close when I cling to Him for support, it's not really that time when I feel the most secure in His love. It's at times like tonight. A rainy Tuesday, full of housework and dirty diapers. Sitting with a cup of coffee and a laptop and knowing that even though today was not what you would call "special," it is what He would. and I am what He would. He thinks I'm remarkable sitting right here in the recliner, because I am made in His image. I just came across a verse I have written down and is one of my favorites and it just made me smile over my cup of white chocolate raspberry coffee.
Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. --Isaiah 46:4
Today was just a Tuesday, and a rainy one at that. I woke up and went to work, came home and cleaned. Nothing special, nothing extraordinary. Six loads of laundry were washed and folded. The living room was picked up three times. London got a new tooth and the dog spilled food all over the floor. It's the end of the night, and I'm sitting in the quiet of the living room (that's dirty again) with a cup of coffee and my laptop, and this is when God is close.
He's there when the music is playing. People are on a stage, talented and in love with God. He's there when the words of God read aloud swim over me, pushing and pulling at me to stand up, sit down, raise my hands, bend my knees, dance, or just cry.
Then He's there when the world is dark. When I spend time on my face, crying out and asking where His purpose is in my life. When a friend is hurting. When a family member is confused. When things are just plain old bad. He's there.
We can all be emotional. I love "spiritual highs" and praising God in those times. However, it's not when He's just blessed me that I feel the closest to Him. Though I often feel so close when I cling to Him for support, it's not really that time when I feel the most secure in His love. It's at times like tonight. A rainy Tuesday, full of housework and dirty diapers. Sitting with a cup of coffee and a laptop and knowing that even though today was not what you would call "special," it is what He would. and I am what He would. He thinks I'm remarkable sitting right here in the recliner, because I am made in His image. I just came across a verse I have written down and is one of my favorites and it just made me smile over my cup of white chocolate raspberry coffee.
Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. --Isaiah 46:4
My Mine Field
Oct 6, 2009
In my mind, when I picture taking a walk with Jesus, I usually imagine the Garden of Eden. Walking in peaceful beauty. It's quiet, calm, perfect, and we're softly talking, heads close together, like close friends would. However, my walk with the Lord is more like walking through a mine field.
A large field where dangers are hidden by the enemy, friends, or even myself. Some have already blown up, and in their place now lies a deep pit. Sometimes, I'm in the middle of the field, which is where it is most tricky, trying to keep my trust in Him and walk the small path between things that could really throw off my journey. Other times, I'm blown all the way back to the beginning of the field, trying to make my way starting all over again, dodging the pits from the mines I've already stepped on in the past
I have the same pits that seem to occur repeatedly, mommy guilt that Satan uses against us, exhaustion, frustration, lack of patience, and the biggest one for me that seems to be the bomb hidden in the most places, living by rules and not a relationship.
Recently, I was sitting at work on a rainy day, which at a golf course is the most boring thing you could possibly think of, and remembered that I had an application I downloaded (for free) on my iPhone that has flashcards. I have three different sets of verses that I work on to memorize. (anyone that has an iPhone, I highly recommend it. it's called Flipr. It's free, and you can memorize God's word anywhere you are!) One of the verses I learned that day was 1 Peter 3:12. "For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil."
After reading that, I sat thinking on it for a bit and couldn't stop thinking about that word, righteous. The Pharisees believed they were righteous...but they obviously weren't. In fact, several times, the word "righteous" isn't meant as a compliment in the New Testament. So, I went to the handy dandy biblegateway.com. Did you know the word righteous appears in 512 verses of the Bible and 135 of the New Testament? Important word. In the verses I went through in the New Testament talking about righteousness, the definitions were so different when used in the context. There's an awesome website that breaks down the Greek and English text and from using that, it seems half of the time, the word would seem more like observing of laws that righteous, while the other times it has to do with a relationship.
Okay, boring stuff aside, the first righteous is the thorn in my side. All along, I fall into the pit that's blown me away countless times, sitting there, looking up and wondering how I did it again? How am I here, when I KNEW the hole was there because it's where I was blown up last time? All along, I should have been sporting the new meaning of righteous, a relationship. I've found that in the times of my life where I'm leaning hard on Jesus, confused, contemplative, listening and not speaking, I fall into those holes much less. I get blown up much less. Why? He knows where the mines are hidden. He knows the secret nooks and crannies of my heart that are ready to blow at any second and He's my own personal deactivator. He can deactivate the mine before it causes me, or anyone else I may be walking with at the time, harm. How wonderful is that? The God that wants to wash my feet when I should be washing His with my tears, goes before me, when I finally ask, and turns me from places that I could be harmed...or fall into a pit and sit, spiritually empty for days or longer. Sigh...what a God we serve :)
In my mind, when I picture taking a walk with Jesus, I usually imagine the Garden of Eden. Walking in peaceful beauty. It's quiet, calm, perfect, and we're softly talking, heads close together, like close friends would. However, my walk with the Lord is more like walking through a mine field.
A large field where dangers are hidden by the enemy, friends, or even myself. Some have already blown up, and in their place now lies a deep pit. Sometimes, I'm in the middle of the field, which is where it is most tricky, trying to keep my trust in Him and walk the small path between things that could really throw off my journey. Other times, I'm blown all the way back to the beginning of the field, trying to make my way starting all over again, dodging the pits from the mines I've already stepped on in the past
I have the same pits that seem to occur repeatedly, mommy guilt that Satan uses against us, exhaustion, frustration, lack of patience, and the biggest one for me that seems to be the bomb hidden in the most places, living by rules and not a relationship.
Recently, I was sitting at work on a rainy day, which at a golf course is the most boring thing you could possibly think of, and remembered that I had an application I downloaded (for free) on my iPhone that has flashcards. I have three different sets of verses that I work on to memorize. (anyone that has an iPhone, I highly recommend it. it's called Flipr. It's free, and you can memorize God's word anywhere you are!) One of the verses I learned that day was 1 Peter 3:12. "For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil."
After reading that, I sat thinking on it for a bit and couldn't stop thinking about that word, righteous. The Pharisees believed they were righteous...but they obviously weren't. In fact, several times, the word "righteous" isn't meant as a compliment in the New Testament. So, I went to the handy dandy biblegateway.com. Did you know the word righteous appears in 512 verses of the Bible and 135 of the New Testament? Important word. In the verses I went through in the New Testament talking about righteousness, the definitions were so different when used in the context. There's an awesome website that breaks down the Greek and English text and from using that, it seems half of the time, the word would seem more like observing of laws that righteous, while the other times it has to do with a relationship.
Okay, boring stuff aside, the first righteous is the thorn in my side. All along, I fall into the pit that's blown me away countless times, sitting there, looking up and wondering how I did it again? How am I here, when I KNEW the hole was there because it's where I was blown up last time? All along, I should have been sporting the new meaning of righteous, a relationship. I've found that in the times of my life where I'm leaning hard on Jesus, confused, contemplative, listening and not speaking, I fall into those holes much less. I get blown up much less. Why? He knows where the mines are hidden. He knows the secret nooks and crannies of my heart that are ready to blow at any second and He's my own personal deactivator. He can deactivate the mine before it causes me, or anyone else I may be walking with at the time, harm. How wonderful is that? The God that wants to wash my feet when I should be washing His with my tears, goes before me, when I finally ask, and turns me from places that I could be harmed...or fall into a pit and sit, spiritually empty for days or longer. Sigh...what a God we serve :)
Words
September 28, 2009
I honestly don't know if other people are obsessed with language like I am. I'm sure there are some that are. Last week, 3 birthdays happened in my family, so..three birthday parties happened 3 nights in a row. By the third night, i left the party thinking, "I said Happy Birthday, but did I really mean it?" or is it something you just say, like "how are you" or "say hi to your family for me." That night, I laid down and went through my routine nightly prayers. My quiet time is in the morning, so by the evening, it's become one of those catch-alls I'm afraid. I prayed my normal things and really thought about what I was saying. What if we did that each time? We get into this routine of saying a small prayer before the meal, or before we leave for a trip, or bed...and we forget that those few words just teleported you into the throne room of GOD! How amazing? How sad that we just popped our heads in, gave a quick wave, and popped back out? I'm so guilty of that sooo very often. If I could physically see what's happening spiritually each time, would I act differently? Would I pop my head in, see that God is looking at me and I have His full attention, come in, bow to Him and speak about my love for Him and from my heart instead of just leaving? Probably. Instead, we bow our heads and say the typical two sentences and dig into the turkey legs. Or at night, what if when I prayed for God to watch over my sleeping baby while we slept, I stopped for a second and actually thought about what I was acknowledging in that? In saying, "Please watch over London tonight, Lord," I'm saying, "You are God. You can see things that I can not. You can protect her when I can not. You can put a spiritual warrior outside of her window and protect her from evil and I can not. I need you. Our family needs you to watch over our baby girl." What if when I said, "Thank you for this food," I realized that I was saying, "Oh Lord...people are starving. People are being starved. People are even starving themselves, and You have given me food. Not just food, but turkey legs! My favorite! How utterly amazing that you work in the lives of kings and queens and You've given a college student/mommy turkey legs!"
"Lord, forgive me for getting into a routine with You. Forgive me for squeezing something as amazing as prayer into a small 32 second box unless it's an official 'quiet time.' Shake me, and as hard as it is to say, do whatever You need to do to make me understand at all times that I'm not reciting a Sunday School poem prayer, but entering a room where even the angels are shielding their faces from Your Holiness. I don't want to be so caught up in being bff's with You that I forget that even the stars know Your Name. Break me Lord, until I remember at all times that you are God. I pray this for our church and for our city and for our nation, in your Holy and perfect Name. Amen."
I honestly don't know if other people are obsessed with language like I am. I'm sure there are some that are. Last week, 3 birthdays happened in my family, so..three birthday parties happened 3 nights in a row. By the third night, i left the party thinking, "I said Happy Birthday, but did I really mean it?" or is it something you just say, like "how are you" or "say hi to your family for me." That night, I laid down and went through my routine nightly prayers. My quiet time is in the morning, so by the evening, it's become one of those catch-alls I'm afraid. I prayed my normal things and really thought about what I was saying. What if we did that each time? We get into this routine of saying a small prayer before the meal, or before we leave for a trip, or bed...and we forget that those few words just teleported you into the throne room of GOD! How amazing? How sad that we just popped our heads in, gave a quick wave, and popped back out? I'm so guilty of that sooo very often. If I could physically see what's happening spiritually each time, would I act differently? Would I pop my head in, see that God is looking at me and I have His full attention, come in, bow to Him and speak about my love for Him and from my heart instead of just leaving? Probably. Instead, we bow our heads and say the typical two sentences and dig into the turkey legs. Or at night, what if when I prayed for God to watch over my sleeping baby while we slept, I stopped for a second and actually thought about what I was acknowledging in that? In saying, "Please watch over London tonight, Lord," I'm saying, "You are God. You can see things that I can not. You can protect her when I can not. You can put a spiritual warrior outside of her window and protect her from evil and I can not. I need you. Our family needs you to watch over our baby girl." What if when I said, "Thank you for this food," I realized that I was saying, "Oh Lord...people are starving. People are being starved. People are even starving themselves, and You have given me food. Not just food, but turkey legs! My favorite! How utterly amazing that you work in the lives of kings and queens and You've given a college student/mommy turkey legs!"
"Lord, forgive me for getting into a routine with You. Forgive me for squeezing something as amazing as prayer into a small 32 second box unless it's an official 'quiet time.' Shake me, and as hard as it is to say, do whatever You need to do to make me understand at all times that I'm not reciting a Sunday School poem prayer, but entering a room where even the angels are shielding their faces from Your Holiness. I don't want to be so caught up in being bff's with You that I forget that even the stars know Your Name. Break me Lord, until I remember at all times that you are God. I pray this for our church and for our city and for our nation, in your Holy and perfect Name. Amen."
Crazy Love
September 21, 2009
Lance and I were just talking about a very "in your face" part of Francis Chan's book, Crazy Love. He talks about the questions people ask him about their sin and if they are still Christians with this in their life. In the end, he says, "Call me crazy, but I think those verses (John 14:15, James 2:19, John 2:3-4) mean that the person who claims to know God, but doesn't obey His commands is a liar and that the truth really isn't in him." He talks about how we become Christians and make it unnecassary to become a disciple. Basically, that we're more in it at times for our salvation or looks and less because we truly love God and others.
Today was a rough day with a baby that's coming over a cold and enjoyed pushing her screaming abilities to the max. I finally settled down to drink some white chocolate raspberry coffee (YUM) and relax around 9, only for London to decided she'd prefer to stay awake for the next hour and a half. Afterwards, I had some conversations online with some friends, and now that Lance and I have talked about this, I ponder on how many points today that I went through the motions of "following God" by doing what was expected but it wasn't out of love for my Lord? I work in a golf shop at a country club part time. How often am I polite to people because it's my job, or refuse to take part in inappropriate things because "I'm a Christian" and not because I love God too much to degrade Him to having a follower that has a foot in the church and a foot in the world? How many times do we strive to make an impression on a waitress for the "Kingdom of God" because we're just trying to make up for all those lousy tables she got that day and not because God LOVES her and we love Him, so we love her? There's a song that I first heard at the Passion Conference in 08 by Hillsong called Hosanna. Some of the lyrics that always hit me hard are, "Break my heart for what breaks Your's, everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause..." Do we ever even stop to think on what in our lives is breaking the heart of our God? What I've said and mindlessly done because it's a learned habit and not from joy, who walked past me with a broken heart and I'm too wrapped up in my issue with a person that I don't even notice their downcast soul? I pray that God cleanses me of being a "Christian" and makes me a disciple of His.
Lance and I were just talking about a very "in your face" part of Francis Chan's book, Crazy Love. He talks about the questions people ask him about their sin and if they are still Christians with this in their life. In the end, he says, "Call me crazy, but I think those verses (John 14:15, James 2:19, John 2:3-4) mean that the person who claims to know God, but doesn't obey His commands is a liar and that the truth really isn't in him." He talks about how we become Christians and make it unnecassary to become a disciple. Basically, that we're more in it at times for our salvation or looks and less because we truly love God and others.
Today was a rough day with a baby that's coming over a cold and enjoyed pushing her screaming abilities to the max. I finally settled down to drink some white chocolate raspberry coffee (YUM) and relax around 9, only for London to decided she'd prefer to stay awake for the next hour and a half. Afterwards, I had some conversations online with some friends, and now that Lance and I have talked about this, I ponder on how many points today that I went through the motions of "following God" by doing what was expected but it wasn't out of love for my Lord? I work in a golf shop at a country club part time. How often am I polite to people because it's my job, or refuse to take part in inappropriate things because "I'm a Christian" and not because I love God too much to degrade Him to having a follower that has a foot in the church and a foot in the world? How many times do we strive to make an impression on a waitress for the "Kingdom of God" because we're just trying to make up for all those lousy tables she got that day and not because God LOVES her and we love Him, so we love her? There's a song that I first heard at the Passion Conference in 08 by Hillsong called Hosanna. Some of the lyrics that always hit me hard are, "Break my heart for what breaks Your's, everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause..." Do we ever even stop to think on what in our lives is breaking the heart of our God? What I've said and mindlessly done because it's a learned habit and not from joy, who walked past me with a broken heart and I'm too wrapped up in my issue with a person that I don't even notice their downcast soul? I pray that God cleanses me of being a "Christian" and makes me a disciple of His.
Tonight's Elevate
September 16, 2009
Tonight at Elevate, Pastor Dan closed out a series about finding your life and calling. It was just such an awesome night of worship for me, personally. He talked about 2 Corinthians 12, where Paul talks of boasting. Paul says he only boasts in the weakness he's asked God to remove on three different occassions and God's response was always the same, "My grace is sufficient for you." During the worship in the beginning, students were artistically painting words on four different canvases. The whole point was that sometimes, we follow God when things are great, but when we follow Him in the dark parts of our lives, that's when we can really feel close to Him. When we are truly "leaning hard" on Him. Afterwards, Dan wrote one very important word across all the canvases together: surrender. Students came forward, finding blank spaces to write words of things they want to surrender but have been holding back, whether it was a relationship, their past, worry, whatever.
I would love to feel and witness worship as every other person does in moments like that. I know we're all different and worship is a tiny bit different to us all. For me, I sort of feel like God's spirit is hovering over us at all times. That's the only way I can think to describe it. Sometimes, it's so high and far up, I wonder if He's even there and have to step out onto faith and just know He is. At other times, I feel like it's lower and lower until at some points, it touches the ground we're on and it becomes Holy. I feel like it's all around me at those times, and everywhere in the room. It's a good suffocating, if that's possible lol, and I can't talk and I definitely can't sing because I'm so overwhelmed with joy. I honestly just stand there and cry haha. I'm so caught up in God and His holiness that I'm immediately broken.
Anyway, I was just talking to Lance about this tonight and I was curious to see if anyone else could put into words what worship felt like to them. :)
Tonight at Elevate, Pastor Dan closed out a series about finding your life and calling. It was just such an awesome night of worship for me, personally. He talked about 2 Corinthians 12, where Paul talks of boasting. Paul says he only boasts in the weakness he's asked God to remove on three different occassions and God's response was always the same, "My grace is sufficient for you." During the worship in the beginning, students were artistically painting words on four different canvases. The whole point was that sometimes, we follow God when things are great, but when we follow Him in the dark parts of our lives, that's when we can really feel close to Him. When we are truly "leaning hard" on Him. Afterwards, Dan wrote one very important word across all the canvases together: surrender. Students came forward, finding blank spaces to write words of things they want to surrender but have been holding back, whether it was a relationship, their past, worry, whatever.
I would love to feel and witness worship as every other person does in moments like that. I know we're all different and worship is a tiny bit different to us all. For me, I sort of feel like God's spirit is hovering over us at all times. That's the only way I can think to describe it. Sometimes, it's so high and far up, I wonder if He's even there and have to step out onto faith and just know He is. At other times, I feel like it's lower and lower until at some points, it touches the ground we're on and it becomes Holy. I feel like it's all around me at those times, and everywhere in the room. It's a good suffocating, if that's possible lol, and I can't talk and I definitely can't sing because I'm so overwhelmed with joy. I honestly just stand there and cry haha. I'm so caught up in God and His holiness that I'm immediately broken.
Anyway, I was just talking to Lance about this tonight and I was curious to see if anyone else could put into words what worship felt like to them. :)
Adventures with Velcro Baby
September 14, 2009
To say that my baby is quite independent would be a serious understatement. She's not interested in cuddling or curling up in my lap. However, every so often (perhaps on a full moon, I never check. joke) London turns into a baby that can only be compared to velcro, or maybe saran wrap...or static cling. I was never one of those mothers that learned to do everything with one hand or using my feet because she was never in my arms all the time.
Today was one of the velcro baby days and by bedtime, I'm quite frazzled. However, I feel so much closer to her after these days than the ones that she wants to do things on her own. I have been pondering lately on all the things she could grow up and do that would hurt me. She could throw caution to the wind and ignore all those words of safety spoken to her through the years. She could be a young woman that gets so angry with me, that she refuses to let me into her life. She could hide away in her room downstairs and won't talk to me about what's hurting her. I could look into her eyes and see struggle, a deep need to be loved, but she's looking everywhere but to me.
...man, how often do we do that with God? I have been that young woman, looking for love and acceptance everywhere but my Father. The One that is just waiting for me to look in His direction so He could finally put my fears at ease and tell me that I'm beautiful.
I'm a big "rules" person. I love authority and see everything black and white. Before London, I figured God was just angry with people that didn't believe in Him or follow Him. Here He was, pouring out His life, and they were ignoring it. Now, as a parent, I see how it probably really is. His heart is broken. God picked out your eye color and wanted it to match the sky after a storm...or formed this man to look so much like the grandpa that loved him. He made her a mate perfect for her...watched his first steps and rejoiced with his parents.
It's hard to imagine God loving me like I love London. After a day of me crawling into His lap and refusing to be distanced from Him for too long...just smiling to Himself about how much He adores me. Marveling over the beauty that He sees in me that others never will. It's hard to imagine because He's God. The heavens declare the work of His hands. I only have a clean kitchen (sometimes) to show the work of my hands and He has stars too many to count and thousands of times the size of the sun. Yet, He loves you. Loves you like your mom and dad could never even come close to when you were a teeny 6 month old like London, being rocked and fed a bottle. I think it's time I became a velcro Christian.
To say that my baby is quite independent would be a serious understatement. She's not interested in cuddling or curling up in my lap. However, every so often (perhaps on a full moon, I never check. joke) London turns into a baby that can only be compared to velcro, or maybe saran wrap...or static cling. I was never one of those mothers that learned to do everything with one hand or using my feet because she was never in my arms all the time.
Today was one of the velcro baby days and by bedtime, I'm quite frazzled. However, I feel so much closer to her after these days than the ones that she wants to do things on her own. I have been pondering lately on all the things she could grow up and do that would hurt me. She could throw caution to the wind and ignore all those words of safety spoken to her through the years. She could be a young woman that gets so angry with me, that she refuses to let me into her life. She could hide away in her room downstairs and won't talk to me about what's hurting her. I could look into her eyes and see struggle, a deep need to be loved, but she's looking everywhere but to me.
...man, how often do we do that with God? I have been that young woman, looking for love and acceptance everywhere but my Father. The One that is just waiting for me to look in His direction so He could finally put my fears at ease and tell me that I'm beautiful.
I'm a big "rules" person. I love authority and see everything black and white. Before London, I figured God was just angry with people that didn't believe in Him or follow Him. Here He was, pouring out His life, and they were ignoring it. Now, as a parent, I see how it probably really is. His heart is broken. God picked out your eye color and wanted it to match the sky after a storm...or formed this man to look so much like the grandpa that loved him. He made her a mate perfect for her...watched his first steps and rejoiced with his parents.
It's hard to imagine God loving me like I love London. After a day of me crawling into His lap and refusing to be distanced from Him for too long...just smiling to Himself about how much He adores me. Marveling over the beauty that He sees in me that others never will. It's hard to imagine because He's God. The heavens declare the work of His hands. I only have a clean kitchen (sometimes) to show the work of my hands and He has stars too many to count and thousands of times the size of the sun. Yet, He loves you. Loves you like your mom and dad could never even come close to when you were a teeny 6 month old like London, being rocked and fed a bottle. I think it's time I became a velcro Christian.
September 11th
September 11, 2009
It seems like only yesterday. I was a freshman in high school and was in my first period class when the first plane hit. We were watching live when the second plane hit, and to top it off, we had a bomb threat at our school by 3rd period. We all thought the world was ending. The scariest part? I wasn't saved. I had tons of friends that went to church, but none invited me. I remember sitting there, frozen in fear, wondering what would happen to our country, and what would happen to me. I'm so thankful to those that are fighting for us now. I'm thankful that now that I am saved, I have the right to go next door to someone I don't know, introduce myself and ask if they know Jesus. I remember being in awe when I went to Austin Peay State my sophomore year of college because of all the uniforms. (It's right beside Ft. Cambell Army base, so TONS of our students were soldiers.) They had been in school for years, getting in classes between deployments. One man in my Greek class had been deployed while in college SIX times! He never complained, only joked about it. He was happy to do it. He was even GLAD. To this day, I get so weepy just seeing a police officer pulling someone over. Crazy, I realize, but rescue workers, firefighters, police officers, soldiers, nurses, doctors, teachers....I know that no matter who they are, that because of what they are, they would help me and my daughter if and when it was needed. I'm even rambling now because I can't express my gratefulness enough and my honor for such people. Thank you. Please don't forget today.
Oh, Lord, thank you that you instilled in the hearts of some of your children such a fierce loyalty and protective instinct that they're willing to spend years fighting for our freedom, and the freedom of others. Thank you that even though our hearts can't wrap around all that You did for us sometimes, You've given us a tiny sample of it in these men and women. How amazing that you allowed us to be born in America when so many others don't have any opportunities at freedom, shelter, food, water, and other things that we take for granted. Help me to remember 9/11. Help us to remember it and please, do bless America. Amen
It seems like only yesterday. I was a freshman in high school and was in my first period class when the first plane hit. We were watching live when the second plane hit, and to top it off, we had a bomb threat at our school by 3rd period. We all thought the world was ending. The scariest part? I wasn't saved. I had tons of friends that went to church, but none invited me. I remember sitting there, frozen in fear, wondering what would happen to our country, and what would happen to me. I'm so thankful to those that are fighting for us now. I'm thankful that now that I am saved, I have the right to go next door to someone I don't know, introduce myself and ask if they know Jesus. I remember being in awe when I went to Austin Peay State my sophomore year of college because of all the uniforms. (It's right beside Ft. Cambell Army base, so TONS of our students were soldiers.) They had been in school for years, getting in classes between deployments. One man in my Greek class had been deployed while in college SIX times! He never complained, only joked about it. He was happy to do it. He was even GLAD. To this day, I get so weepy just seeing a police officer pulling someone over. Crazy, I realize, but rescue workers, firefighters, police officers, soldiers, nurses, doctors, teachers....I know that no matter who they are, that because of what they are, they would help me and my daughter if and when it was needed. I'm even rambling now because I can't express my gratefulness enough and my honor for such people. Thank you. Please don't forget today.
Oh, Lord, thank you that you instilled in the hearts of some of your children such a fierce loyalty and protective instinct that they're willing to spend years fighting for our freedom, and the freedom of others. Thank you that even though our hearts can't wrap around all that You did for us sometimes, You've given us a tiny sample of it in these men and women. How amazing that you allowed us to be born in America when so many others don't have any opportunities at freedom, shelter, food, water, and other things that we take for granted. Help me to remember 9/11. Help us to remember it and please, do bless America. Amen
My Stubborn Heart
Sept 8, 2009
Sometimes, I honestly can't believe how stubborn my head and heart can be towards God, and in those times, I wonder what it would be like to walk with Him like some do...completely willing and wholeheartedly. In the past, God has literally struck me with physical ailments (nothing major, don't flip lol) to get me to listen and I'm so good at pulling a Jonah and just fleeing. Last week, I had London fed, bathed, and down for a nap. The house was clean, laundry going, and was at that very moment making some homemade chicken babyfood, and though I realize that there's no such thing as Super Mom, I was thinking I was pretty darn close at that moment in time. Then, before I knew it, a freak accident causes the blender (yes, that incredibly thick glass) to shatter. Glass everywhere, the chicken ruined, and if that wasn't enough, London woke up way way too early in a BAD mood. I had to throw my hands up and laugh loudly at my silliness. I'm so thankful to God for those moments when He just lets me go until an opportunity comes where He can remind me that I'm not in control and to lean on Him and not on myself. I just wish so badly that it didn't take a shattered blender for my humility to roll around! As I sit here, I'm looking around at all the appliances I have left and I fear for them; however, I am blown away that the God of the universe, the Holiest of Holies cares enough about me (and you) that He would go to the extent of allowing me to bust my blender (or busting my blender, depending on who you're blaming lol), or my car, or whatever it takes to get me to sit down, have a cup of cappiccino with Him during naptime instead of "chores" and realize that He's in charge. Are there people out there that don't need to be strongly called by God? They feel that gentle urging and do it, instead of getting so wrapped up in their lives that we forget to listen for His voice adn don't hear it until He's seriously meaning business? I can't wait until I finally get it one day. When He'll speak gently in the wind, and I'll hear and run to Him. I can't wait until I have that relationship with Him, and I will. I'm determined. I'll give up every small appliance I own! :)
Sometimes, I honestly can't believe how stubborn my head and heart can be towards God, and in those times, I wonder what it would be like to walk with Him like some do...completely willing and wholeheartedly. In the past, God has literally struck me with physical ailments (nothing major, don't flip lol) to get me to listen and I'm so good at pulling a Jonah and just fleeing. Last week, I had London fed, bathed, and down for a nap. The house was clean, laundry going, and was at that very moment making some homemade chicken babyfood, and though I realize that there's no such thing as Super Mom, I was thinking I was pretty darn close at that moment in time. Then, before I knew it, a freak accident causes the blender (yes, that incredibly thick glass) to shatter. Glass everywhere, the chicken ruined, and if that wasn't enough, London woke up way way too early in a BAD mood. I had to throw my hands up and laugh loudly at my silliness. I'm so thankful to God for those moments when He just lets me go until an opportunity comes where He can remind me that I'm not in control and to lean on Him and not on myself. I just wish so badly that it didn't take a shattered blender for my humility to roll around! As I sit here, I'm looking around at all the appliances I have left and I fear for them; however, I am blown away that the God of the universe, the Holiest of Holies cares enough about me (and you) that He would go to the extent of allowing me to bust my blender (or busting my blender, depending on who you're blaming lol), or my car, or whatever it takes to get me to sit down, have a cup of cappiccino with Him during naptime instead of "chores" and realize that He's in charge. Are there people out there that don't need to be strongly called by God? They feel that gentle urging and do it, instead of getting so wrapped up in their lives that we forget to listen for His voice adn don't hear it until He's seriously meaning business? I can't wait until I finally get it one day. When He'll speak gently in the wind, and I'll hear and run to Him. I can't wait until I have that relationship with Him, and I will. I'm determined. I'll give up every small appliance I own! :)
Transferring
So I've decided to transfer my blog on Unifyer and all it's posts here so that it's easier to get to, and so that anyone can see it, if they so wish, instead of those that have Unifyer through Central. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)