His beauty

Sometimes, I wonder if God ever rolls His eyes at me. I so often catch myself after a long day praying for Him to show Himself to me more. I feel alone and stressed and feel like He's no where close to talk to. Yesterday was one of those days. You have those days of parenthood where you feel like this was the reason you were created, and then you have other days where you wonder why God would let you have children and subject such an innocent to such an awful parent haha.
London had been dropped off at my in-laws for her safety and for Lance and I to attend Elevate (our Wednesday night college worship) and I really needed to do that alone. She had cried most of the day, screamed really, and insisted on being in my lap or on me in some way. For those that have forgotten, I'm a few days away from being 8 months pregnant and that lap is slowly disappearing for her to sit on. I was tired, stressed, and because I rely on her naptime as a lifeline to an afternoon quiet time and she hadn't taken one, I felt devastated and unable to cope with the rest of the day. I left the Elevate cook out early because a pregnant girl and extreme heat and humidity just don't mix well. I love the drive to my in-laws in the afternoon/evening because you are facing the sunset and the interstate gives a very clear view. I was driving in complete silence and praying for God to give me just enough patience and joy to finish out the rest of London's evening without Lance there to help (he had band practice) and asked God to reveal Himself to me more. I just wasn't seeing His presence that evening and missed it. Then, the Holy Spirit guided my attention back to that sunset. It was so beautiful, with the clouds a perfect color. I began to watch the landscape as it passed (while watching the road of course :)) and began to see what He was trying to show me. He is everywhere. He created the sunset, the wind through the trees that feels so good on such a hot evening, and He gave me the little girl that's usually cuter than anything in the world but just so happens to be screaming in the floor. I suppose that of all my studying of the fruits of the Spirit lately, what I need to learn most is that everyday of parenthood will require more filling up than the day before did, which means more time with Him. With such a spunky little girl, it will be a challenge to keep her guided gently on the path, but I'm looking forward to watching the relationships that will grow closer through it, with Lance and I and our Lord. Now let's pray for a better day today than yesterday and LOTS of naps! :)

Getting to know my Father through London & Daddy :)

I never had a close relationship to my dad. My parents divorced when I was young, and he moved for a job when I was in grade school. From lack of opportunity, we were just never given many times to really truly learn who each other was. Because of this reason, I'm intrigued watching London and Lance interact and live. With each month, she grows a little physically and grows sooo much in personality. As she's learning and living, I get to watch her follow her Daddy around, make him read to her, tie her tutu on, and things of this nature.
What I'm learning by watching them is that London knows her Daddy. She knows that if she smiles and says "peees" (please) that he'll read her a book no matter what he has going on. She knows what reaction to expect and she knows what she can and can't get away with around him. All this, a 16 month old has learned by spending time with him and him being there to play, comfort, and support her. So, I sit and think, what am I doing, reading book after book about God, doing in depth studies on the Greek words of the fruits of the spirit, and so on? Not that I'm not reaping blessings from those, or that He's not showing Himself to me in that, but not like He would if I'd be more willing to crawl into His lap to read His word. Or, like He would if when I was upset or hurt, I raised my hands to Him; if He was the source of my nourishment and living water.
This is something He's been trying to teach me for so long, and something I'm sure I'll continue to forget and have to be reminded of, but I'm glad He picked such a beautiful image to show me each day to open my eyes.