my 2011

Is it too late for a 2011 recap? I have been pondering over the last year as of late and thinking on what 2011 meant for me and the family entrusted to me. Lance and I grew even closer than we had been before. We saw our favorite band in our favorite city.

Our oldest turned two, became completely potty trained (YAY!), learned to climb her swingset ladder, got 6 stitches, became even more girly, battled and defeated fear in many ways, and developed in the personality God gave her a little more, becoming even more lovable.

Our youngest turned one. She learned to crawl, to walk, to run, to talk, to feed herself, and pretty much everything one needs to be independent. She spent most of 2011 in a sling, tied close to her mama's heart because she wouldn't have it any other way. She fought with the dog we got in 2011, played with her big sister, and displayed to everyone dance moves you wouldn't believe a child that young could have.

I started my blog Little Hands on www.jonesboro.com and got an opportunity to share weekly a little here and there of the happiness that runs amok in our home. We began hosting a Journey Group young married Bible study in our home that meets weekly and developed relationships with people that I now call our closest friends.

I also had some dark valleys in 2011. I learn a little more each year that I not only do not know everything like I once believed, but I actually know nothing. I resolved in 2011 to not only not voice opinions as much as I could, but to not even have the opinions to voice. To make my mind a positive blank slate. I'm still working on that one, by the way. I pulled away from leadership in any way as much as I possibly could, increasingly aware of my ineptitude at being a leader or role model.

I also walked through dark places with God. I wasn't aware at the time that I was walking with Him. In fact, I not only thought He was not walking with me, at times, I battled a deep question of "does He actually exist at all?"

That's probably shocking for a lot of people, and I'm glad because not only is it incredibly hard to admit to, I did a fairly good job at hiding it. I tried to keep up an outward appearance of high faith, not for others, but for myself. Situations in 2011 caused me to question motives, trust, and goodness, not only in other people, but in God. What if I've given up so much, sacrificed, put my whole heart and whole belief system into a faith, a community, and a God that in the end isn't there? Silence. So. much. silence.

I cried out for a Word. For the Spirit that was supposed to be in me to yell inside my heart, He exists! He's real! He's good! He LOVES you!

silence.

I prayed so many times. Cried out. I begged to have faith in what I was still teaching my children.

silence.

then, it happened. It wasn't a shout. It was soft. a whisper.

a deep, innate assurance.

He is real. I hesitated. Was that my mind? I so badly wanted to be at a place I had been. I listened again. I continued, waiting quietly. I continued silently praying. Then, I resolved to stop crying out. To be still, and silent before Him. To wait patiently before Him. Then, the whisper continued within my soul. It became deeper. Never louder, just...deeper.

It spoke to my soul and filled so many cracks in my heart and mind. Over a few months, the voice grew within me. Then, I knew. I knew He'd been there all along. He'd walked beside me at times where it was too dark to see Him there. When I was too loud with the noise in my life and my own thoughts and fears to hear His voice. He was there. He's still here. Patience is not my strong point. I'm working so hard at fixing that, but it has grown in 2011. Two little people with big needs help that a lot, but so has my walk. By October, so many verses slammed my heart. By that point, I no longer doubted His existence, but I felt so small, so insignificant, that He missed me. That maybe I'd done something wrong and searched frantically for the barrier that I'd placed between us, and I couldn't find it to tear it down.

Oh, 2011...you were so hard, but I know that even when I'm 80 (unless I get to go home before then :)), I'll remember that year. I'll remember those dark places that He illuminated, and those questions He answered.

I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
and put their trust in him.
Blessed is the one
who trusts in the LORD, who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.
Psalm 40:1-4

so good. and I can assure you, so true.