What I Wish I Had Known before becoming a Parent

Recently, Lance and I deactivated our facebook accounts. I reactivate mine on the weekends, allowing myself to catch up on recent life changes of friends, and it also allows me to upload pictures of the girls from that week for grandparents to enjoy.

Overall, I greatly dislike facebook; however, there is one aspect of it that I truly love. I LOVE getting online to see happy announcements of engagements, weddings, pregnancies, and births. I see a good share of unhappy events as well, but being 25 and about 98% of my friends on there being female, I see more happy news. It seems to come in spurts as well. Less than a year ago, I couldn't believe the number of pregnancy announcements covering my news feed each day. It dropped off and they seem to be beginning again, while that last group is about to cover my news feed with tiny little smooshed faces and happy parent pictures.

As I sat looking through the feed last night seeing announcements in between other statuses I don't care near as much about ;), I thought about this time three years ago. I was 8 months pregnant with my first child. I never thought that I'd have children, growing up. I always said I'd be in another country, unmarried, childless, and happy. I wince now when I think of my careless words. Sigh..the arrogance of youth. which again just makes me laugh, since I'm 25 which means that you may be reading blog posts every three years about how arrogant I was three years ago ;).

Because of that arrogance and pride, it took longer than it should have for me to fully come to grips that I would be a mother. Then, when I finally accepted it, I was determined to be the best mom I knew how to be. That included a lot of reading, research, and sacrifice. I was certain I'd nurse my baby, even if the entire idea still completely weirded me out. I was going to make her babyfood myself, which actually turned out ridiculously easy anyway, thank the Good Lord. But I had a whole list of things I'd do. In my head, I loved this baby and I was going to prove it through how good of a mom I was going to be. Gentleness never even occurred to me.

It didn't help that my LEAST favorite part of pregnancy is the attention it draws to my body from other people. Stupid comments made by strangers or loved ones would infuriate me, leaving me to cry later when I was alone, scared to death of what was happening within me and what would happen later.

Thinking through all of that from this side of it, I was thinking of what I wish I had known then. I decided I'd blog it, if nothing else than perhaps someone that is or will be there will gain some sort of confidence from it.

I wish I had known that preparing myself to be the best mom wasn't the same as love. That everything I did or do means nothing if at the end of the day, I don't do it out of the unconditional love that drives a servant's heart.

I wish I had known that it doesn't matter who you offend. It doesn't matter who wants to take pictures of or hold your baby. It doesn't. It will in a few hours, but not then. When your child is born, what matters is that as many of the first few hours as you need are all about you as a family. You, daddy, and baby. Sorry, random distant relative, but you absolutely aren't a priority right now. I first saw London's face through a picture on my dad's phone. They took her to do vitals before I could even hold her and kept her for two hours. For two hours, I sat alone in my hospital room on the verge of tears wondering what kind of mess I'd gotten myself into. I was more protective with Story. She laid on me until I was good and ready to share her, and even then it wasn't long. I fought for months at trying to get the same connection and relationship between London and I that I had with Story in minutes. no, seconds.

I wish I had known how fleeting the delivery is. I was so scared and nervous, that I had looked at it from such a wrong angle. I was self conscious, fearful, and distant. It was not long anyway with London, but I disconnected myself without even realizing it in an effort to save face. I didn't want to do or say anything while in that moment that would give fuel to stories that would get told later about my behavior while in pain. (yes...it's dumb that women would talk and dumb that I'd care)

I wish I had known that in that moment, it's not about what I did. It's not about what the nurse did, who the doctor was, or any one of those things. What matters is that God, the Creator of the Universe and your baby, stops everything else important in your life and says TIME. And what comes forth is your hope for the future. Your heart and soul in the form of a living being. That gentleness overcomes environment, and love casts out fear.