Non-Super Mom :)

Sometimes, I take for granted just how powerful God is. As we're coming into our third week with Miss Story making us a family of four, and more accurately, me a mother of two, I so easily can become overwhelmed. Sometimes it could be the sleep deprevation that comes with a newborn with a healthy set of lungs, but sometimes, it's just from all the things that a mother can let herself worry over if she weakens. With London only, I worried that she didn't have enough food groups, or that she'd fall off the side of the recliner...again, or that she wouldn't nap so she'd be cranky later. With a newborn alone, you worry about their eating, is it enough, is it too much? You think her jerking her head like that ever makes it sore? Can we make it there and back before her next feeding?

But when you add the two together...you worry for the small one because of the bigger one in ways like, I hope she doesn't throw that at her. She's coloring Story, trying to feed Story, or other physical things. With London, I worry about mental and emotional things. You worry that she's wondering when will this baby go back home now? She wants to color, but Story is insisting on being held nonstop. London now screams and whines more because she states something in a normal tone 5 times with no one hearing her, so she resorts to a more annoying and successful tactic.

In the midst of this, I'm newly grateful for an all powerful God. I'm so grateful that He can do it all. That I'm no super parent, but He is. There's no fighting for His attention, no worry that choose someone else, b/c I'm already chosen. We all are. I'm grateful that I don't have to be whiney or scream to get Him to listen to me, and now wonder exactly why I do then? And, with that, London's awake so I'm sure Story will be soon as well, and the craziness begins again until bedtime :)

Patience

I've always greatly disliked the popular phrase Christians throw around, "Never pray for patience." Somehow, a nasty rumor began floating around some time ago that you only need patience when you're given really big obstacles and that God won't send you those obstacles if you aren't praying for the patience to get through them. In my life before marriage, children, and all the other adult stuff, I never had a problem finding situations needing patience. I worked as a server in a restaurant and as a preschool teacher. I had electronics even though I am extremely low-tech. I had difficult professors. Then, when I got married, I lived in a small one bedroom apartment with another person...and a boy at that! Then, we had London, and I assure you, I've had even less difficulties finding situations that require patience since. I've learned that whether or not I ask for patience to get through it, London will dump a bowl of cereal and milk. She will use the restroom in the floor instead of her potty. She wash off her popsicle that was dropped in the dirt in her little swimming pool. These things are going to happen, and if I have not filled up my tank of patience and other fruits, they just seem to happen more.

Now, here I am, 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant, and once again, God is teaching me patience whether I like it or not. (Those of you that plan your pregnancies successfully, do NOT make your last month August just for future reference ;)) I feel like a completely different person, and one that I personally would probably not pick as a friend most of the time. In pregnancy, your body is not what you normally have, your hormones aren't, and you don't even get to wear your own clothes. Very much a case of the invasion of the body snatchers. However, God is faithful. More faithful than me. I'm hoping that this ever lengthening pregnancy and all the "joys" that come with it will bring with it afterwards wisdom and a greater ability to mother two children instead of just one. I'm grateful that His Word doesn't come back void and that He is constantly grooming me to be the leader spiritually I need to be to raise up children for Him and, even more, grooming me to be the follower spiritually I need to be for Lance. Wouldn't it be lovely to be less stubborn and headstrong and learn these lessons way easier and faster though?! :)

This week's life lessons

One of the reasons I write publicly about my spiritual journey is in hopes that it will help anyone else that may come across it and is struggling in something similar and just needing to know they aren't alone. The main reason, however, is because the posts usually include something God is working on in me and a public admittance helps me to stay accountable. This week, the Holy Spirit has really been tugging on my heart in a few ways.

One of these is the devotion I give to my daughter. Driving in the car in the summer heat, I can not physically put vents on myself. They're all facing her and I'm constantly watching her cheeks to make sure they're not too pink. I make sure she has a cup of water or something to snack on when we go somewhere. Every time I'm with her (which is all the time now that I think about it..) I'm constantly thinking of her well being and comfort. I can't do that for everyone, b/c honestly, I'd probably die from exhaustion haha, but what if I spent half or even a fraction of that attention to physical needs on others? What if when I saw others in public, I truly cared how they were. Would I have offered Jesus a drink at the well, or would I have filled my bucket and hurried off to make sure my little kingdom at home was working like a well oiled machine? I don't really want to know the answer to that, but I'm pretty sure I can bet on what would have happened. Jesus said in Matthew, "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'"

Another lately is my need for comfort. I enjoy a surplus. At any time in our house, if we run out of hand soap, olive oil, spices, whatever, there is a larger container somewhere to refill it. I enjoy buying in bulk and eliminating the worry of running out. Lance and I are, by no means, "well off" though we are richer than most people in this world just because of our home, food, and other things we deem as "necessity." Things in my life that I need, whether financial stability, fruits of the spirit, recipe ingredients, or whatever, I cling to the surplus. I'm reminded by His spirit over and over, however, of the manna given to the Israelites that was just enough for them that day but would ruin when hoarded. I'm trying to realize that the things I need or want in life are given to me daily and by the second from Him. I'm only breathing b/c He just gave me this breath, and the next one and the next. If He stops, I stop, and I can not run without Him. A recent video clip by Priscilla Shirer really made me stop and think when she reminded us that out of the 2 million Isrealites that were brought out of Egypt, shown the miracles they witnessed, and given all that they were, only two made it to the Promised Land. 1 in a million. ...and now I'm wondering where I would fall in that number based on my life right now.

For Moms, whether working or at home :)

I have days where I feel like I'm still brand new to the mom thing. London changes so fast that about the time I feel like I have a grip on our relationship, she goes through a new phase, learns a new trick, or gets a tooth which sends us right back to the start where I'm clueless.
Then...there are other days, most days. The days where I can't remember my life before diaper bags, nap times, and toys strewn across my living room. I forget the Heather that was single and used to shrug her shoulders when questioned on the urgency of a midnight walmart trip. I look to my past and see only pregnancy and London, and I look to the future and see only soccer games (hopefully ;)) and math homework, and my present is consumed with Mommy-ness. On these days, I get lost. Lost in my world, my kingdom.
A struggle I've had since London and will probably continue to have is knowing where the line is drawn between my identity as a mom and everything else. I hear from other moms about their love of being a stay at home mom and how it's what God meant in making our children our main priority. Then, I'm plagued with guilt. I know for a fact that God has called me into His ministry and given me a heart for women. I don't know what that looks like exactly with small children at home, and I don't know what my future will hold, but I know of that calling. I'm grateful that for the next couple of years at least, I will not have to be away from home more than part time, but that God has led me to a church where I can have all the girl time I can handle with so many University girls around me.
In the meantime, God is showing me little by little what it looks like to be a wife, woman, and yes, mother. I was beginning to think the other day that I had gotten it all wrong and that wife and mother were what I was this season of my life and I was being selfish to think otherwise. This is when God led me to Isaiah 9. In reading about Christ's future first coming, I read the list of roles he would fulfill: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Everyone knows the different roles a mom is just within that one job: nurse, cook, cleaning lady, and so on. However, God revealed to me that Jesus came to fulfill many roles to many people and that I am to look to His example for that. I have no plans on leaving my stay at home position (other than school) for quite some time, but in this verse, I have more freedom in seeing things when I will go back to work and have to be away. I thought I would share this verse with other moms, whether staying at home and wondering if this is just their identity now, or moms that can’t be home, whether from financial reasons or because it is not their calling. Either way, you are loved by God. He created you to raise your children up to know Him, to support your husband as he follows Him, but mostly, to be His daughter and bask in the knowledge that you are beautiful and perfect in His sight.

His beauty

Sometimes, I wonder if God ever rolls His eyes at me. I so often catch myself after a long day praying for Him to show Himself to me more. I feel alone and stressed and feel like He's no where close to talk to. Yesterday was one of those days. You have those days of parenthood where you feel like this was the reason you were created, and then you have other days where you wonder why God would let you have children and subject such an innocent to such an awful parent haha.
London had been dropped off at my in-laws for her safety and for Lance and I to attend Elevate (our Wednesday night college worship) and I really needed to do that alone. She had cried most of the day, screamed really, and insisted on being in my lap or on me in some way. For those that have forgotten, I'm a few days away from being 8 months pregnant and that lap is slowly disappearing for her to sit on. I was tired, stressed, and because I rely on her naptime as a lifeline to an afternoon quiet time and she hadn't taken one, I felt devastated and unable to cope with the rest of the day. I left the Elevate cook out early because a pregnant girl and extreme heat and humidity just don't mix well. I love the drive to my in-laws in the afternoon/evening because you are facing the sunset and the interstate gives a very clear view. I was driving in complete silence and praying for God to give me just enough patience and joy to finish out the rest of London's evening without Lance there to help (he had band practice) and asked God to reveal Himself to me more. I just wasn't seeing His presence that evening and missed it. Then, the Holy Spirit guided my attention back to that sunset. It was so beautiful, with the clouds a perfect color. I began to watch the landscape as it passed (while watching the road of course :)) and began to see what He was trying to show me. He is everywhere. He created the sunset, the wind through the trees that feels so good on such a hot evening, and He gave me the little girl that's usually cuter than anything in the world but just so happens to be screaming in the floor. I suppose that of all my studying of the fruits of the Spirit lately, what I need to learn most is that everyday of parenthood will require more filling up than the day before did, which means more time with Him. With such a spunky little girl, it will be a challenge to keep her guided gently on the path, but I'm looking forward to watching the relationships that will grow closer through it, with Lance and I and our Lord. Now let's pray for a better day today than yesterday and LOTS of naps! :)

Getting to know my Father through London & Daddy :)

I never had a close relationship to my dad. My parents divorced when I was young, and he moved for a job when I was in grade school. From lack of opportunity, we were just never given many times to really truly learn who each other was. Because of this reason, I'm intrigued watching London and Lance interact and live. With each month, she grows a little physically and grows sooo much in personality. As she's learning and living, I get to watch her follow her Daddy around, make him read to her, tie her tutu on, and things of this nature.
What I'm learning by watching them is that London knows her Daddy. She knows that if she smiles and says "peees" (please) that he'll read her a book no matter what he has going on. She knows what reaction to expect and she knows what she can and can't get away with around him. All this, a 16 month old has learned by spending time with him and him being there to play, comfort, and support her. So, I sit and think, what am I doing, reading book after book about God, doing in depth studies on the Greek words of the fruits of the spirit, and so on? Not that I'm not reaping blessings from those, or that He's not showing Himself to me in that, but not like He would if I'd be more willing to crawl into His lap to read His word. Or, like He would if when I was upset or hurt, I raised my hands to Him; if He was the source of my nourishment and living water.
This is something He's been trying to teach me for so long, and something I'm sure I'll continue to forget and have to be reminded of, but I'm glad He picked such a beautiful image to show me each day to open my eyes.

Empty Gage

I'm happy that God knows women better than we know ourselves. He gave us our nurturing characteristics and He also knows that with that gift, among others, we have a tendency to over nurture. We get so busy taking care of everyone and everything else, that we forget about ourselves. Then, at the end of the day (sometimes even the middle of the day), we've poured out all the gentleness, patience, and every other fruit of the Spirit we had and are now running on fumes. I very often find myself forgetting to refuel and then sitting, stranded on the road without being able to do anything until He comes and refills me. Now this is where the beauty of motherhood comes in. Not only does He give mothers a new fufilling role of nurturer, but He balances out our inability to see clearly any longer that we need refueling.
My daughter is my gage. Sometimes, I feel like I can be nice to other people, but how I'm reacting to London shows exactly where my Spirit is. I can be nice and apologetic to a waitress during London's meltdown, and publically be patient with her, but inside, I'm humilated and beyond frustrated. I'm learning to watch not only my outward responses to London, but my internal reactions. I'm learning to refuel before I become harsh or "too" impatient, but that's an uphill battle that I haven't quite mastered. I'm just happy to say I finally saw the tool God is using in my life.
My prayer now is that I remember not to see everything my daughter, or children, do wrong. To let her enjoy being a child, even if that requires Mommy to turn her head in situations, such as when she wants to squish the rest of the banana she's having for snack instead of saying she's done. (Not that I'd give her more banana after that haha) But to see that she's playing with something that maybe I don't care for her to touch, but in the end, it's hurting no one and she's not unsafe, learning bad habits, or being rebellious...she's just curious. Life is so full of new things for her, and I want desperately to reflect the love for her that my Lord has that she can't quite understand yet. I would love for her to learn about God as she grows with an easy realization that He loves her beyond her understanding because that's what she gets at home and it isn't baffling to her.

He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge. Proverbs 14:26