I'm happy that God knows women better than we know ourselves. He gave us our nurturing characteristics and He also knows that with that gift, among others, we have a tendency to over nurture. We get so busy taking care of everyone and everything else, that we forget about ourselves. Then, at the end of the day (sometimes even the middle of the day), we've poured out all the gentleness, patience, and every other fruit of the Spirit we had and are now running on fumes. I very often find myself forgetting to refuel and then sitting, stranded on the road without being able to do anything until He comes and refills me. Now this is where the beauty of motherhood comes in. Not only does He give mothers a new fufilling role of nurturer, but He balances out our inability to see clearly any longer that we need refueling.
My daughter is my gage. Sometimes, I feel like I can be nice to other people, but how I'm reacting to London shows exactly where my Spirit is. I can be nice and apologetic to a waitress during London's meltdown, and publically be patient with her, but inside, I'm humilated and beyond frustrated. I'm learning to watch not only my outward responses to London, but my internal reactions. I'm learning to refuel before I become harsh or "too" impatient, but that's an uphill battle that I haven't quite mastered. I'm just happy to say I finally saw the tool God is using in my life.
My prayer now is that I remember not to see everything my daughter, or children, do wrong. To let her enjoy being a child, even if that requires Mommy to turn her head in situations, such as when she wants to squish the rest of the banana she's having for snack instead of saying she's done. (Not that I'd give her more banana after that haha) But to see that she's playing with something that maybe I don't care for her to touch, but in the end, it's hurting no one and she's not unsafe, learning bad habits, or being rebellious...she's just curious. Life is so full of new things for her, and I want desperately to reflect the love for her that my Lord has that she can't quite understand yet. I would love for her to learn about God as she grows with an easy realization that He loves her beyond her understanding because that's what she gets at home and it isn't baffling to her.
He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge. Proverbs 14:26
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Learning Dependence on Him
Never before have I thought about learning to have a dependence on God. That is, never until I had a toddler. London has transformed into a full out toddler this past two weeks, and one thing I've learned is that toddlers don't officially become toddlers just because they can walk. It's the whole package. It's walking, reaching things that are higher, communication, fits, and INDEPENDENCE! Now that she can walk on her own and doesn't need me close incase she falls, she doesn't need me at all. (or so she thinks) I call to her, I show her where we're supposed to be going, I allow her as much independence as possible (when it's safe) but she wants to go another way, gets distracted, or just plain doesn't want to listen. My walk with God has never hit me so clearly in this area.
I never thought about the fact that as I learn and grow, I become more independent, but He must teach me dependence again. If I allowed London to continue on in her independence, not only would she be a danger to herself, but her growing and learning would stop. How can she learn to climb steps leading to a slide if someone's not there to teach her to step up one small one onto a patio without falling? It's never occurred to me before that once we hit this milestone, I'll need to continue pulling her back in over and over and keep her dependent on me. I'm still where she gets food and shelter, and will be until she can at least reach the counter haha. How true is this with God? He is where we find nourishment and rest, but it's not until we're at the end of our rope dying of malnourishment before we remember Who can feed us. At least that's how it is with me. I'm grateful that He is showing me little by little His path for me in a way I can most relate to: parenthood. Now when I look back with the wisdom of hindsight, I see those times when my life seemed frustrating or stressful. I remember my reactions to those times that now very much resemble toddler tantrums, and now I can see where God was reeling me in from hurting myself or just running away from Him and I think of how much harder His job is than mine haha. I am must more stubborn and strong-willed than my toddler (so far) and I'm glad He's always leading me.
He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Psalm 23:3
I never thought about the fact that as I learn and grow, I become more independent, but He must teach me dependence again. If I allowed London to continue on in her independence, not only would she be a danger to herself, but her growing and learning would stop. How can she learn to climb steps leading to a slide if someone's not there to teach her to step up one small one onto a patio without falling? It's never occurred to me before that once we hit this milestone, I'll need to continue pulling her back in over and over and keep her dependent on me. I'm still where she gets food and shelter, and will be until she can at least reach the counter haha. How true is this with God? He is where we find nourishment and rest, but it's not until we're at the end of our rope dying of malnourishment before we remember Who can feed us. At least that's how it is with me. I'm grateful that He is showing me little by little His path for me in a way I can most relate to: parenthood. Now when I look back with the wisdom of hindsight, I see those times when my life seemed frustrating or stressful. I remember my reactions to those times that now very much resemble toddler tantrums, and now I can see where God was reeling me in from hurting myself or just running away from Him and I think of how much harder His job is than mine haha. I am must more stubborn and strong-willed than my toddler (so far) and I'm glad He's always leading me.
He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Psalm 23:3
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Warning: Work in Progress
In this busy busy season of my life, I always feel like I'm one step ahead of getting pulled under from a swift current. I've never seen more clearly that I am a work in progress until this semester. It seems like a mother's to-do list is eternally lengthening and never accomplished and a college student's is similar but in a very different way. I'm both...in fact, I just realized that I still think in semesters, not months or years. I think that if you look at the to-do lists of students and mothers, as complicated as they are and as long as they are, they are nothing compared to the to-do list of a Christian. Add Christian to another title you carry, and you have just added tons. Today, go to the bank, talk to the babysitter about London's meals, finish term paper for Friday so you can start on the other 4 due, and...love everyone while doing it? Remember to pray more than just for God to help you keep your testimony and not lose it by honking at the people driving crazy in front of you?
The simple truths I've learned recently have hit me harder than I ever imagined and I feel like I have so much to work on that I'll never have enough time to do it all. Truths like, Most people don't need my words; in fact, most don't even want them. They need the power in the Word of God. Or, respect and honor for God is NOT love for Him. Or, I can pray for a miracle until I'm blue in the face, but in the end, God's plan is His plan and....as hard as it is to accept, He knows more than me about loving people and what is best for them.
I'm only just realizing as well, that I don't have to work on all these alone. He will fight my battles for me, if I will just release my grip on them. I can't even open a jar of pickles because of my weak hands, but somehow, I have the strength to hang on hard to the tail end of an issue and not let go, no matter how God tries to show me He's got it.
I have no deep truths to share with this blog. No insight that I have seen through the dark tunnel of life. Only the fact that I am a work in progress and am grateful that I'm not in charge. Grateful for the women in my life that are works in progress as well but are much quicker at handing Him the reins. And I'm mostly grateful that when nothing else shows me what He means by joy, or patience, or slow to anger and speech, He sends me a little girl that makes me laugh so hard every day that I have tears running down my sore cheeks, that makes me breathe in slowly every day and take a moment before I ask her for the 45th time not to scream or throw cheerios at me. I'm grateful that He shows me unconditional love in a diaper taken off without my knowledge in the crib, and that peace is not calm quiet during nap time like I originally thought, but in watching her sleep and knowing she's safe and being secure in her love.
The simple truths I've learned recently have hit me harder than I ever imagined and I feel like I have so much to work on that I'll never have enough time to do it all. Truths like, Most people don't need my words; in fact, most don't even want them. They need the power in the Word of God. Or, respect and honor for God is NOT love for Him. Or, I can pray for a miracle until I'm blue in the face, but in the end, God's plan is His plan and....as hard as it is to accept, He knows more than me about loving people and what is best for them.
I'm only just realizing as well, that I don't have to work on all these alone. He will fight my battles for me, if I will just release my grip on them. I can't even open a jar of pickles because of my weak hands, but somehow, I have the strength to hang on hard to the tail end of an issue and not let go, no matter how God tries to show me He's got it.
I have no deep truths to share with this blog. No insight that I have seen through the dark tunnel of life. Only the fact that I am a work in progress and am grateful that I'm not in charge. Grateful for the women in my life that are works in progress as well but are much quicker at handing Him the reins. And I'm mostly grateful that when nothing else shows me what He means by joy, or patience, or slow to anger and speech, He sends me a little girl that makes me laugh so hard every day that I have tears running down my sore cheeks, that makes me breathe in slowly every day and take a moment before I ask her for the 45th time not to scream or throw cheerios at me. I'm grateful that He shows me unconditional love in a diaper taken off without my knowledge in the crib, and that peace is not calm quiet during nap time like I originally thought, but in watching her sleep and knowing she's safe and being secure in her love.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Bride of Christ
Lately through reading and studying, one word continues to jump out at me over and over. Bride. The word is used 43 times in the New American Standard Bible, but my favorite use of the word is when it is referred to the body of the Church. First of all, I was a bride and so I can relate. All the preparation, all the anxiety, all the stress of tablecloths, wardrobe, and food all comes down to one moment where I was joined in a covenant with Lance for the rest of our lives here on earth. When I think of the word "bride," a lot of things come to mind as I'm sure it does with most women. Beautiful, exciting, fresh, new, young. But the one that continues to dance in my mind is alone. Not individually, but the bride and bridegroom. As full time college students and young parents, Lance and I know the glory of a moment secreted away with just the two of us. We did not know before London was here that those precious moments where it was always just the two of us were to be captured in the heart and remembered as such a sweet time. I love that we will always always be Jesus' bride. That it will always be this sweet time of me and Him, taking long walks with no worries as to what I should be doing, chatting forever without running out of things to say, just as a new bride and bridegroom do. It will never become routine, it will never become ordinary, and I will never become "wife" but always a young beautiful bride. Not that wife has any negative connotation, but any means, I hold the term wife as a very sacred thing, but it does not give me the same ideas that bride does, and this is why the Word uses "bride." Doesn't it just make you want to look your best and act your best and be ready for Him to come get you any day and sweep you right off your feet? :)
"Let us rejoice and be glad and give the glory to Him, for the marriage of the Lamb has come and His bride has made herself ready." Revelation 19:7
"Let us rejoice and be glad and give the glory to Him, for the marriage of the Lamb has come and His bride has made herself ready." Revelation 19:7
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Easter Extremes :)
April 4, 2010
For a passionate, at times extremist, personality, living in a world of balance can be quite frustrating and complex. As I grow older, I find that more and more things in my life require a proper balance. London is toddling with help and will be running away from us any day now with new independence, and through this new toddler stage, I'm having to learn that complete control over with tons of unnecessary "no's" is bad, but allowing her to do whatever because she's only one is very bad too. I'm learning that my insistence on a healthy diet is mostly good, but denying myself or family some delightful treats removes the good of that whole concept. Here lately, God has been teaching me some other balances as well.
Recently, I've been praying for a deep deep yearning for His Word. I had continued to read my Bible consistently, but it wasn't jumping at me to need it like I need food. When does He decide to stoke in me a great need for His Word right there and then? The only break in my day between classes that I needed to study so badly for a Restoration & Neoclassical Literature exam. I am a perfectionist to a fault and I do not do well with making less than an A. He's slowly showing me that for me to ask Him to become my all, I must make Him my all, not just before school but before myself and my extremes. (by the way, I made an 81 on that test. I was hoping He would reward my reading His word with an immaculate conception of knowledge but it did not happen haha).
He's also been showing me a balance between Truth and Love. At times, I can not see farther than His Truth, when His love is what is needed too. I did not know until not long ago that they are not two things that come hand in hand. I can not remember who said it, but there's a quote that says something along the lines of, "Truth without Love is too harsh, and Love without Truth is too weak."
These have been very hard for me to not only wrap my head around because it is so out of my nature, but they have been very very hard for me to accept and surrender to. However, as today, Easter Sunday, passes, I am eternally grateful that out of all the balances He asks of my life, I can not love Him too much. I can not be too excited and humbled and ready to see Him face to face. In our love, He gives no boundaries and allows us to be the crazy, extremists we tend to be. Isn't that just like our King? That is so Him. I love it
For a passionate, at times extremist, personality, living in a world of balance can be quite frustrating and complex. As I grow older, I find that more and more things in my life require a proper balance. London is toddling with help and will be running away from us any day now with new independence, and through this new toddler stage, I'm having to learn that complete control over with tons of unnecessary "no's" is bad, but allowing her to do whatever because she's only one is very bad too. I'm learning that my insistence on a healthy diet is mostly good, but denying myself or family some delightful treats removes the good of that whole concept. Here lately, God has been teaching me some other balances as well.
Recently, I've been praying for a deep deep yearning for His Word. I had continued to read my Bible consistently, but it wasn't jumping at me to need it like I need food. When does He decide to stoke in me a great need for His Word right there and then? The only break in my day between classes that I needed to study so badly for a Restoration & Neoclassical Literature exam. I am a perfectionist to a fault and I do not do well with making less than an A. He's slowly showing me that for me to ask Him to become my all, I must make Him my all, not just before school but before myself and my extremes. (by the way, I made an 81 on that test. I was hoping He would reward my reading His word with an immaculate conception of knowledge but it did not happen haha).
He's also been showing me a balance between Truth and Love. At times, I can not see farther than His Truth, when His love is what is needed too. I did not know until not long ago that they are not two things that come hand in hand. I can not remember who said it, but there's a quote that says something along the lines of, "Truth without Love is too harsh, and Love without Truth is too weak."
These have been very hard for me to not only wrap my head around because it is so out of my nature, but they have been very very hard for me to accept and surrender to. However, as today, Easter Sunday, passes, I am eternally grateful that out of all the balances He asks of my life, I can not love Him too much. I can not be too excited and humbled and ready to see Him face to face. In our love, He gives no boundaries and allows us to be the crazy, extremists we tend to be. Isn't that just like our King? That is so Him. I love it
Clouds
March 10, 2010
I don't know if other people have experienced what I have been going through. I'm sure they have, but it's not something we probably offer up in conversations. Lately, I feel like when I pray to God, out loud, in my heart, on paper, whatever, I'm talking to myself. No one wants to admit that they're distanced from God, but it's what sin will do. I know that several groups of ladies in our church are currently doing Beth Moore's Breaking Free study, and let me just say, it's kicking my bottom for lack of better words. I don't know that I've ever felt more spiritually overwhelmed, more oppressed, or more scared as to how I will have time to fix ALL these issues at one time. I feel like it will take years! For a couple weeks, I had fallen a few times here and there into Satan's lies and lost hope that God could get me out of all these issues. Generational sin, bitterness from long ago, slander, the list just kept coming with every day of homework and every quiet time.
As this silence from God came over me, I felt covered in a dark cloud. So, being the resourceful procrastinator that I am, instead of doing homework for my Modern American Literature class, I went to biblegateway.com and searched cloud. I love topic Bible studies and I'm so grateful for God's word. I was brought to 153 verses that include the word cloud, but nothing pierced my heart like Genesis 9:14-15 "Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life." Of course, in context, God is speaking to Noah and promising that He will never flood the earth to destroy it again, but to me, He is saying clouds will come down on you, but if you'll look into that cloud, you'll see My promises and the hope that I offer you. I will not destroy you because I have plans for you that will prosper you, not harm you. How silly of me to take the bait of Satan and think my problems are too big for my God? How silly to think God will pull away from me and let the waters of my sin and my tribulations rise and not rescue me before I drown? Thank God that we can put our hope in Jesus and lean on His understanding. I just wanted to share a painful struggle I've been having and I'm still having, in case God is working through the other studies or completely different ones and this verse may help remember His promises. Standing on the promises, right? Even if you can't currently hear or see anything but darkness.
"But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you." Psalm 39:7
I don't know if other people have experienced what I have been going through. I'm sure they have, but it's not something we probably offer up in conversations. Lately, I feel like when I pray to God, out loud, in my heart, on paper, whatever, I'm talking to myself. No one wants to admit that they're distanced from God, but it's what sin will do. I know that several groups of ladies in our church are currently doing Beth Moore's Breaking Free study, and let me just say, it's kicking my bottom for lack of better words. I don't know that I've ever felt more spiritually overwhelmed, more oppressed, or more scared as to how I will have time to fix ALL these issues at one time. I feel like it will take years! For a couple weeks, I had fallen a few times here and there into Satan's lies and lost hope that God could get me out of all these issues. Generational sin, bitterness from long ago, slander, the list just kept coming with every day of homework and every quiet time.
As this silence from God came over me, I felt covered in a dark cloud. So, being the resourceful procrastinator that I am, instead of doing homework for my Modern American Literature class, I went to biblegateway.com and searched cloud. I love topic Bible studies and I'm so grateful for God's word. I was brought to 153 verses that include the word cloud, but nothing pierced my heart like Genesis 9:14-15 "Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life." Of course, in context, God is speaking to Noah and promising that He will never flood the earth to destroy it again, but to me, He is saying clouds will come down on you, but if you'll look into that cloud, you'll see My promises and the hope that I offer you. I will not destroy you because I have plans for you that will prosper you, not harm you. How silly of me to take the bait of Satan and think my problems are too big for my God? How silly to think God will pull away from me and let the waters of my sin and my tribulations rise and not rescue me before I drown? Thank God that we can put our hope in Jesus and lean on His understanding. I just wanted to share a painful struggle I've been having and I'm still having, in case God is working through the other studies or completely different ones and this verse may help remember His promises. Standing on the promises, right? Even if you can't currently hear or see anything but darkness.
"But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you." Psalm 39:7
Girls Retreat
March 8, 2010
This past weekend, the central university girls were given the opportunity to spend a couple of days at the Nix's cabin in Mountain Home. It was absolutely beautiful and had an amazing view that blew us all away. Sunday, when we left, I stood alone and looked at the view. I had marveled all weekend over that view. The hills and the lake from such a height, but on Sunday, I stood there looking out and marveling instead on how beautiful the women were that came on the trip. I was blown away at the loveliness of these young women as I got to know them, not only in their talents and personalities, but in their hearts.
We went over images of sisterhood in the Bible all weekend and looked at the stories of Leah and Rachel, Naomi and Ruth, and the women that ministered to Jesus and followed Him to the cross and discovered He was risen first. I'm so glad that God chose to teach us, and especially me, some very hard lessons that should be taken to heart while I became involved in the details of these girls' lives. I think the biggest lesson I learned, however, did not come from a big group discussion or the study guide that I constantly made in my journal. It came late Saturday night. Almost everyone was asleep, the lights were almost all turned out, and typical me was washing all the paint brushes that still had paint on them from crafts. (I have a fear of things ruining) One other girl was still awake, working on her canvas, trying to capture her perspective of the bible studies over the weekend. She's only been to Elevate (our wednesday night service for the university) a couple of times and decided to come this weekend. I, honestly, do not know her that well, but I'll tell you, this girl is absolutely beautiful, physically and inside. She has an amazing talent with art and her canvas was about 100 times better than mine haha. The lesson however, came not in her beauty or talent, as much as her determination. She is also a young mother, and I knew she was tired and had been tired for awhile, but wanted to finish something she had put so much time and effort and herself into.
I stood at the sink washing I think 500 paint brushes at almost 3 in the morning and watched her, pondering my relationship with God. What a beautiful romantic relationship I could have with Him. I put so much of myself into it sometimes, and time, and effort, only to give up when I feel defeated by the clock, the world, or myself. But how simply beautiful it is that He doesn't? He is that young girl. He has worked in you, put a piece of Himself into you, devoted time and energy on you, and He knows what beauty your masterpiece holds. He can see the finished product when we can not, and He knows that that part that looks like it doesn't fit into the canvas or doesn't match the rest will be influential in making His work one of a kind.
So, on Sunday, I thanked Him for that. I looked at the lake and the sky and the view and saw for a second what He saw in His young daughters. Grace and beauty.
For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. --2 Corinthians 4:18
This past weekend, the central university girls were given the opportunity to spend a couple of days at the Nix's cabin in Mountain Home. It was absolutely beautiful and had an amazing view that blew us all away. Sunday, when we left, I stood alone and looked at the view. I had marveled all weekend over that view. The hills and the lake from such a height, but on Sunday, I stood there looking out and marveling instead on how beautiful the women were that came on the trip. I was blown away at the loveliness of these young women as I got to know them, not only in their talents and personalities, but in their hearts.
We went over images of sisterhood in the Bible all weekend and looked at the stories of Leah and Rachel, Naomi and Ruth, and the women that ministered to Jesus and followed Him to the cross and discovered He was risen first. I'm so glad that God chose to teach us, and especially me, some very hard lessons that should be taken to heart while I became involved in the details of these girls' lives. I think the biggest lesson I learned, however, did not come from a big group discussion or the study guide that I constantly made in my journal. It came late Saturday night. Almost everyone was asleep, the lights were almost all turned out, and typical me was washing all the paint brushes that still had paint on them from crafts. (I have a fear of things ruining) One other girl was still awake, working on her canvas, trying to capture her perspective of the bible studies over the weekend. She's only been to Elevate (our wednesday night service for the university) a couple of times and decided to come this weekend. I, honestly, do not know her that well, but I'll tell you, this girl is absolutely beautiful, physically and inside. She has an amazing talent with art and her canvas was about 100 times better than mine haha. The lesson however, came not in her beauty or talent, as much as her determination. She is also a young mother, and I knew she was tired and had been tired for awhile, but wanted to finish something she had put so much time and effort and herself into.
I stood at the sink washing I think 500 paint brushes at almost 3 in the morning and watched her, pondering my relationship with God. What a beautiful romantic relationship I could have with Him. I put so much of myself into it sometimes, and time, and effort, only to give up when I feel defeated by the clock, the world, or myself. But how simply beautiful it is that He doesn't? He is that young girl. He has worked in you, put a piece of Himself into you, devoted time and energy on you, and He knows what beauty your masterpiece holds. He can see the finished product when we can not, and He knows that that part that looks like it doesn't fit into the canvas or doesn't match the rest will be influential in making His work one of a kind.
So, on Sunday, I thanked Him for that. I looked at the lake and the sky and the view and saw for a second what He saw in His young daughters. Grace and beauty.
For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. --2 Corinthians 4:18
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