The "not of the world, but in the world" Christian mentality has always been easy for me in ways. The Spirit within me has always had a pretty bold fight against many mentalities our world and culture sends us, which is great, except that does leave me friendless many of my days. The one mentality I've always seemed to struggle with the most, however, is the instant gratification.
Our culture has raised us to believe that not only do we need better, we DESERVE better, and we deserve better right this second. Books took too long, then newspapers took too long. Next to fall was the even more brief Internet article. Now, your message to me must be 140 characters or less, or I'm moving on. I'm bored. I'm impatient. I'm done.
Temporary isn't always best, but we think it is if it means instant.
Where this hurts the most? Parenting. Motherhood. I can see from my view as a few years into the mix, but still quite the rookie, why so many mothers and fathers start out with motivation and joy in parenthood, but soon feel defeated and give up. The idea that you must spend 2 to 5 years investing your time, your money, your heart, and yourself into something before you see the rewards come to fruitation is beyond our comprehension.
Not that you aren't rewarded 1000 times a day, but it takes awhile to be rewarded by seeing them and not a mirror.
Recently, we had our first trip to the Emergency Room. It was pretty traumatic for London and I both, but it was a major milestone in motherhood for me. For the last few weeks, she has been transitioning out of that beloved toddler stage to the preschooler one, so you can just BE with her more without entertaining or distracting constantly. I've always known she was my silly but serious child. I know how she will respond and react. I knew that though she would still be scared and in pain, she would calm if we only got her cleaned up and all the blood washed away. I knew that I would have to be gentle, firm, and specific about all the details about going to the doctor to get her boo-boo fixed. I knew I had to be sensitive. Oh, so sensitive for our sensitive girl. But, I did not know one thing.
I never knew how strong London had become.
Oh sure, she's been strong before, but it was always a strength she drew from me, or her daddy, or even a blanket. She wasn't as strong as she was comforted. But this time, she was strong, in her own, on her own. She still needed me, of course. I held her the whole time. I hugged her while they gave her the shot (that took FOREVER.) I hummed and sang to her right after it happened while I put pressure on the cut to stop the bleeding and have a look. But, she was strong. She is strong.
From the time I found out I was expecting her, it has been almost 3.5 years. I have poured out myself again and again, laying there at night or nap time completely empty and begging my Father for more. For more joy, for more patience, for more self-control, and love, and faith, and and and and. And He always gave them to me. I saw them as well that night. I saw my joy in my little girl seeing other people helping her and her trust deepening. I saw my self-control in restraining my emotions when all I wanted to do was cry and panic, but she needed calm and support.
I'm so proud of who she is becoming, and I'm that much more motivated to continue pouring all I know and have of Him into her. That strength and calm we saw in her that night were hers, but taught by us. And that should be motivation for any parent or teacher, even if that child doesn't come home with you at night.
Showing posts with label Motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Motherhood. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
As iron sharpens iron
I've been mulling over some ponderings in my head as of late on the topic of motherhood. I follow a lot of blogs. many. many blogs. Most are craft blogs, and some are writings. There is one in particular of a mother with several children. Her blog makes you want to sit at her kitchen table in the morning and share a cup of coffee while kids run in and out and muffins bake. Her house seems calm, serene, but mostly, filled with love. A love of motherhood and nurturing that I want so badly that I can't even stand it. It is a rite of passage to her that has created her a new being that is more important than the one she had before. She soaks in time with her children like I soak in alone time, and I want what she has. Out of all my many blogs, she inspires me the most. Here's the kicker, this woman is the only mother that I follow that is not a Christian. oops. We are messing up here. Let me reiterate this again, out of more than a dozen women (all of which are amazing women, don't get me wrong!) the one that sharpens me and challenges me in more ways than she'd ever guess, does not have the Holy Spirit.
I've been trying to figure this out for weeks now, and I still do not have it figured out completely. Part of it, I think is the programming. I am not programmed to wake up with the one unspoken goal to achieve again and again each day of speaking "I love you" into my children in more ways than just verbally. I'm programmed to survive. I don't know when that programming began. I don't even know how long it lay dormant. I just know it's there.
Part is the words spoken into us. What do we hear when pregnant or a new mother? "If you're uncomfortable now, wait until labor." "Eh, by the time you're in labor, you won't care. You'll just be in so much pain that nothing will matter." "You think you don't get sleep now wait until you're wondering where they're at all night." Negatives. What about things like, "pregnancy is rough, but I loved the part of wondering what they'll look like, and who they would one day become." "Labor isn't exactly the most fun of your life, but it's the very beginning of a life. A time when God's promises and miracles are actively taking place, and His presence covers the room while waiting to speak NOW and your baby is born." "Teenage years can be crazy, but Proverbs 31 tells us a Godly woman looks to the future and smiles, not dreads. Imagine how beautiful your teenage daughter will be as she learns who she is during that time." Where are those comments? Young mothers need encouragement. We need Truth.
Then, of course, comes the question of, am I that mother? Do I speak those comments? Of course not. I'm the first kind of mother. I live in chaos. It's the name of my blog! But...God brings order from chaos. And...after all, I do have the Holy Spirit.
We juggle so much. We try to do it all and keep a billion priorities and then battle to keep our families at least high on the list. I don't know what my steps of action will be to shaping my soul will be yet, but they will come. Until then, I'll remain in thoughtful prayer. I wonder if I'm completely alone in this season, but that's okay if I am. I suppose pits are easier to leave when you don't have a roommate anyway. ;) Reprogramming will have to begin, of course. And the list of things being juggled will be cut down drastically. I'll make a serious effort even more to surround myself with women that sharpen me and that leave me when a little more love. Don't you love being around those people? The ones that you leave their house feeling a little more love for your husband and being a wife. A little more love for your children and your role as their mother. A little more love for your family and that you're a sister/daughter/aunt/niece. I've always fought to be around those people...I've just never asked myself if I was one of them.
...just some pondering...mulling around in my head. London's memory verse (probably for the summer) is Come and listen, all you who fear God, and I will tell you what He did for me. Psalm 66:16. This is now the new song of my heart. I want first for Him to make me the new creation and new mother, and then to pass that along to others, particularly those young mothers. If you got all the way to the end of this rambling, congrats :) I wish we could sit and have coffee while kids run and muffins bake, because if you're still reading, you're probably in this season too ;). haha
I've been trying to figure this out for weeks now, and I still do not have it figured out completely. Part of it, I think is the programming. I am not programmed to wake up with the one unspoken goal to achieve again and again each day of speaking "I love you" into my children in more ways than just verbally. I'm programmed to survive. I don't know when that programming began. I don't even know how long it lay dormant. I just know it's there.
Part is the words spoken into us. What do we hear when pregnant or a new mother? "If you're uncomfortable now, wait until labor." "Eh, by the time you're in labor, you won't care. You'll just be in so much pain that nothing will matter." "You think you don't get sleep now wait until you're wondering where they're at all night." Negatives. What about things like, "pregnancy is rough, but I loved the part of wondering what they'll look like, and who they would one day become." "Labor isn't exactly the most fun of your life, but it's the very beginning of a life. A time when God's promises and miracles are actively taking place, and His presence covers the room while waiting to speak NOW and your baby is born." "Teenage years can be crazy, but Proverbs 31 tells us a Godly woman looks to the future and smiles, not dreads. Imagine how beautiful your teenage daughter will be as she learns who she is during that time." Where are those comments? Young mothers need encouragement. We need Truth.
Then, of course, comes the question of, am I that mother? Do I speak those comments? Of course not. I'm the first kind of mother. I live in chaos. It's the name of my blog! But...God brings order from chaos. And...after all, I do have the Holy Spirit.
We juggle so much. We try to do it all and keep a billion priorities and then battle to keep our families at least high on the list. I don't know what my steps of action will be to shaping my soul will be yet, but they will come. Until then, I'll remain in thoughtful prayer. I wonder if I'm completely alone in this season, but that's okay if I am. I suppose pits are easier to leave when you don't have a roommate anyway. ;) Reprogramming will have to begin, of course. And the list of things being juggled will be cut down drastically. I'll make a serious effort even more to surround myself with women that sharpen me and that leave me when a little more love. Don't you love being around those people? The ones that you leave their house feeling a little more love for your husband and being a wife. A little more love for your children and your role as their mother. A little more love for your family and that you're a sister/daughter/aunt/niece. I've always fought to be around those people...I've just never asked myself if I was one of them.
...just some pondering...mulling around in my head. London's memory verse (probably for the summer) is Come and listen, all you who fear God, and I will tell you what He did for me. Psalm 66:16. This is now the new song of my heart. I want first for Him to make me the new creation and new mother, and then to pass that along to others, particularly those young mothers. If you got all the way to the end of this rambling, congrats :) I wish we could sit and have coffee while kids run and muffins bake, because if you're still reading, you're probably in this season too ;). haha
Saturday, April 30, 2011
The person I want to be
I've always heard the phrase, "I want to be the person my dog things I am." It's not really something someone actually says, more like a bumper sticker or magnet for the refrigerator. I've been reminded of it recently while I watch S grow and become less of a newborn baby and more of an active older baby. We joke here about how the dada sounds come out of babies mouth when they're happy and playing, while the mama sounds are their unhappy and fussy noises. She seems to believe those mama noises get attention faster, and they do.
When she's hungry or upset, or is stuck or hurting, she cries and looks me straight in the eye. L was never like that. There was always this desperation and, of course, dramatic flair to her that said, "I may never get out of this again. I will probably starve right here in my swing and die, never learning to walk." (meet her and you won't think that's exaggerated ;)) She cried out of a desperation for SOMEONE, anyone to help her. S looks to me. She has me figured out as her provider and protector. She never doubts, only getting extremely angry if I drag my feet in meeting her needs.
I want so badly to be the person she believes me to be. I want her to grow up always knowing me to be dependable and helpful, without being obtrusive. I want her to learn to walk with my guidance knowing the entire time that my arms are close if she falls. My daughters have given me higher standards to meet than I think I would have ever set for myself without them. I love how different they both are, and that they challenge me in completely different ways to be a better mother. It's so energizing and challenging to be believed in, even if that person wears a tiny little diaper that you have to change and, at times, slobbers on your favorite shirt.
When she's hungry or upset, or is stuck or hurting, she cries and looks me straight in the eye. L was never like that. There was always this desperation and, of course, dramatic flair to her that said, "I may never get out of this again. I will probably starve right here in my swing and die, never learning to walk." (meet her and you won't think that's exaggerated ;)) She cried out of a desperation for SOMEONE, anyone to help her. S looks to me. She has me figured out as her provider and protector. She never doubts, only getting extremely angry if I drag my feet in meeting her needs.
I want so badly to be the person she believes me to be. I want her to grow up always knowing me to be dependable and helpful, without being obtrusive. I want her to learn to walk with my guidance knowing the entire time that my arms are close if she falls. My daughters have given me higher standards to meet than I think I would have ever set for myself without them. I love how different they both are, and that they challenge me in completely different ways to be a better mother. It's so energizing and challenging to be believed in, even if that person wears a tiny little diaper that you have to change and, at times, slobbers on your favorite shirt.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Generational Sin in the book of Kings
In the last few days I've read 1 and 2 Kings, and I've been amazed all over at the rich heritage of God's people. However, more interesting to me than that this time was the constant repetition of verses like this one "In the twenty-third year of Joash son of Ahaziah king of Judah, Jehoahaz son of Jehu became king of Israel in Samaria, and he reigned seventeen years. He did evil in the eyes of the LORD by following the sins of Jeroboam son of Nebat, which he had caused Israel to commit, and he did not turn away from them." 2 Kings 13:1-2. Jeroboam was King of Isreal and was mentioned this way in the description of many other reigns of new kings, including his own children and grandchildren.
The normal and confusing son of, son of parts of the some Bible books became a very real warning to me. I suddenly pictured something saying, "London Grace or Story Elizabeth Patterson (or even a granddaughter's name) became a mother at age whatever and was a mother the rest of her life. She did evil in the eyes of the Lord by following in the sins of Heather Patterson, her mother, which she caused her children to commit and passed it on to her children." Generational sin is a very difficult one to break because it is so deeply rooted in your upbringing. We've all grown up with things we either don't see at all because it's our norm or that we think we can't really fight for the same reason. Maybe it's impatience with our children, or selfish about our "me time," or even nagging a husband. We usually tuck it under the label of our personality or something else, and leave it left alone, but now is the time to break that generational bond. Imagine children growing up without being taught to gossip or slander other people or judge people that are different than us. Jesus says just to ask and He always tells us we'll do even greater than He because we have the Holy Spirit. It is not only possible, but a sure thing if we put our minds and faith towards it. I loved seeing the introduction of kinds like this, " He did what was right in the eyes of the LORD, just as his father Amaziah had done." 2 Kings 15:3 :)
I'd much rather people be able to say, London or Story became mothers and pleased the Lord just as their mother had done. Wouldn't you?
The normal and confusing son of, son of parts of the some Bible books became a very real warning to me. I suddenly pictured something saying, "London Grace or Story Elizabeth Patterson (or even a granddaughter's name) became a mother at age whatever and was a mother the rest of her life. She did evil in the eyes of the Lord by following in the sins of Heather Patterson, her mother, which she caused her children to commit and passed it on to her children." Generational sin is a very difficult one to break because it is so deeply rooted in your upbringing. We've all grown up with things we either don't see at all because it's our norm or that we think we can't really fight for the same reason. Maybe it's impatience with our children, or selfish about our "me time," or even nagging a husband. We usually tuck it under the label of our personality or something else, and leave it left alone, but now is the time to break that generational bond. Imagine children growing up without being taught to gossip or slander other people or judge people that are different than us. Jesus says just to ask and He always tells us we'll do even greater than He because we have the Holy Spirit. It is not only possible, but a sure thing if we put our minds and faith towards it. I loved seeing the introduction of kinds like this, " He did what was right in the eyes of the LORD, just as his father Amaziah had done." 2 Kings 15:3 :)
I'd much rather people be able to say, London or Story became mothers and pleased the Lord just as their mother had done. Wouldn't you?
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Learning lessons through sickness
The last week at my house has been...crazy. The stomach bug took over, first with London, then Story, and lastly, Lance. Luckily, (or unfortunately, however I choose to look at it at the moment ;)) I didn't catch it. (I have an overactive immune system it seems..) So, I was nurse. The problem with London getting it first meant that she was down and calm and sick for several days, and then, all that energy seemed to burst out when she got better. This meant that as a tiny, pitiful 4.5 month old got very very sick, the not quite 2 year old was bouncing off walls and acting out in every way possible to get some attention back on herself (don't really blame her.) Then, Lance got sick. Honestly, two and a half days of Lance home with no meetings, work, or practice for either one of us? Sick or not, I'll take it!
So today, he was better, but the virus still clinging a tiny bit, so he stayed home to save innocent bystanders from germs. By 4 pm, he sat down in the recliner and announced he was exhausted. I remember his words perfectly, "Your job is exhausting! I have this overwhelming urge to just SIT!" :) precisely, my dear. and there were two of us and two of them. We were playing man to man! I usually play zone defense with him gone. Not that I don't love my children or being a (kind of) stay at home mom; I do, but seeing him collapse by 4 pm with a full evening ahead of us made me fully realize where my own difficulties lay.
By the time the house is picked up, dinner is served and cleaned up, the kids are FINALLY in bed (and asleep), I just want to fall into a pile of mush and do nothing at all productive. I fight the urge to mindlessly scroll through facebook or twitter or blogs. I don't want to think, I don't want to do homework (which, I'm behind on now that I think about it), and I definitely never WANT to pray or read my Bible. Honestly, I want to be entertained. I'm taking part in Beth Moore's LPM Siesta Scripture Memory (you can still join too!) and my latest verse was "But she who gives herself in wanton pleasure is dead, even while she lives." 1 Tim 5:6 NASB.
It's so easy to get caught up in entertainment. A show, a website, a phone. You sit down because you're exhausted, mentally or physically (or both!) and before you know it, you're going to bed just as empty and exhausted as when you sat down. Through this week, I've learned a little more on that lesson I've been trying to learn: I can sit down and do nothing but be slightly (and if we're talking about facebook, even less than slightly) entertained and then go to bed with zero spiritual fruits and a bad attitude, then wake up in the exact same state. OR, I could sit down to talk with my creator. The One that knows me in and out and knows how far I've been pushed that day. I can listen as He whispers to me and reminds me of His promises for me and my marriage and my children. I can readjust my mind and heart, and then go to bed with so much love in me for Him and Lance and the girls that it's spilling over and I can't wait until tomorrow instead of dreading it. Remember the proverbs 31 woman? "Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future." Proverbs 31:25
I want so badly to smile toward the future, knowing that I will handle it with strength and dignity with Him as my strength. I don't want to think tomorrow will be crazy because of sickness or meetings or Lance gone a lot and dread it. I don't want to think, "they'll be 15 and 16 on day and may be fighting every second." I want to look forward to watching them blossom into beautiful women of God, raised knowing the love of the One that made them beautiful. Don't you?
So today, he was better, but the virus still clinging a tiny bit, so he stayed home to save innocent bystanders from germs. By 4 pm, he sat down in the recliner and announced he was exhausted. I remember his words perfectly, "Your job is exhausting! I have this overwhelming urge to just SIT!" :) precisely, my dear. and there were two of us and two of them. We were playing man to man! I usually play zone defense with him gone. Not that I don't love my children or being a (kind of) stay at home mom; I do, but seeing him collapse by 4 pm with a full evening ahead of us made me fully realize where my own difficulties lay.
By the time the house is picked up, dinner is served and cleaned up, the kids are FINALLY in bed (and asleep), I just want to fall into a pile of mush and do nothing at all productive. I fight the urge to mindlessly scroll through facebook or twitter or blogs. I don't want to think, I don't want to do homework (which, I'm behind on now that I think about it), and I definitely never WANT to pray or read my Bible. Honestly, I want to be entertained. I'm taking part in Beth Moore's LPM Siesta Scripture Memory (you can still join too!) and my latest verse was "But she who gives herself in wanton pleasure is dead, even while she lives." 1 Tim 5:6 NASB.
It's so easy to get caught up in entertainment. A show, a website, a phone. You sit down because you're exhausted, mentally or physically (or both!) and before you know it, you're going to bed just as empty and exhausted as when you sat down. Through this week, I've learned a little more on that lesson I've been trying to learn: I can sit down and do nothing but be slightly (and if we're talking about facebook, even less than slightly) entertained and then go to bed with zero spiritual fruits and a bad attitude, then wake up in the exact same state. OR, I could sit down to talk with my creator. The One that knows me in and out and knows how far I've been pushed that day. I can listen as He whispers to me and reminds me of His promises for me and my marriage and my children. I can readjust my mind and heart, and then go to bed with so much love in me for Him and Lance and the girls that it's spilling over and I can't wait until tomorrow instead of dreading it. Remember the proverbs 31 woman? "Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future." Proverbs 31:25
I want so badly to smile toward the future, knowing that I will handle it with strength and dignity with Him as my strength. I don't want to think tomorrow will be crazy because of sickness or meetings or Lance gone a lot and dread it. I don't want to think, "they'll be 15 and 16 on day and may be fighting every second." I want to look forward to watching them blossom into beautiful women of God, raised knowing the love of the One that made them beautiful. Don't you?
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Smudges on the window
Happy New Year! :) Today was such a crazy crazy day. It was the last Sunday we are at Central's main campus, since the Journey Campus launches next Sunday! Eeeee! I was so excited about today, plus, I was going to put London in an adorable dress she still hasn't been able to wear that I bought on clearance LAST January for this winter. Alas, after an alarm clock fail, making it to church alone with two sleepy girls just wasn't a possibility. So I thought, ahh, thank you technology! I'll live stream our service! No dice. After Story was finally quiet enough for me to hear something, I sat down with a cup of coffee and my laptop, and the entire screen freezes and the stream goes out. Not to be beaten, I pull up the Passion website to live stream their Session 1 that was currently happening (www.passion2011.com). 22,000 students and leaders there, and even more than that are watching online, sooo...it wouldn't work either. The rest of the day continued in these ridiculous series of unfortunate events until I was successfully beaten to a pile of mush. Then it hit me...
It's like smudges on a window. No, follow me here. It's well established that I am, indeed, a Type A personality. I enjoy long walks around a neatly lined and organized track, knowing exactly what goes into my food, and crystal clean windows. This, to an extent, is my God-given personality and is the instrument He chooses to use for His purposes (when I'm not being all about me-ish). However, I abuse this gift and go completely Martha when I should be Mary. (Luke 10:38-42) I am getting much better (which I'm sure any frequent reader is glad of, since it tends to be the meat of my blog posts lately. I promise to be more entertaining in the next season of my life ;)) but it's my native language (the Martha thing) and even when I become fluent in Mary, if I'm not speaking and living only in Mary, Martha jumps back in quite often. In this Martha time, smudges on windows are just horrible. Not just a fingerprint, give me a break, I'm not that crazy ;). It's the smudges with milk/cereal/unknown food/etc in it that dries and is visible from no matter where you're looking from. I've found myself glancing out the window and seeing these smears all over, stopping whatever is going on, going to get some weapon to fight the dirty mess, and then going back to my day. Not once in this time did I notice what color the leaves were, or if there was a bird on my porch. I was too busy seeing the dirt.
There are days, like today, where it's almost impossible to see the beauty in my life because of all the crazy, "dirty" smudges obstructing my view. I want to battle them, one by one, all the while forgetting the reason I want it to be clean in the first place: to enjoy the life God has given to me. Martha complained to Jesus that Mary wasn't helping her, which, I'm afraid I would have been pretty annoyed too. It's martha's house, her sis has come over perhaps to "help." We know Jesus brings a HUGE crowd. She's got a lot of work, and my mother brain is still saying in the back somewhere, "so..she just...doesn't do it? then who will?." The answer? Jesus will. He broke bread and fish for the 5000, he turned water into wine. He will meet your needs. Not wants. Not weird pet peeves. Your needs. When Martha complained to Jesus about Mary, He told her no. He wouldn't tell her to stop listening and go do what she "should" have been doing. "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed-or indeed, only one. Mary has chosen what is better, it will not be taken from her."
What a lovely thought. Things are so temporary in this world. Smudges will be there again, as soon as she gets another cookie. The gas tank will have to be filled up again. Even your family and the people in your life and your world are temporary, but Jesus is something that will always hold steady and will never be taken from us. That, in itself, gives such hope and the first huge sigh of relief of the day. :)
It's like smudges on a window. No, follow me here. It's well established that I am, indeed, a Type A personality. I enjoy long walks around a neatly lined and organized track, knowing exactly what goes into my food, and crystal clean windows. This, to an extent, is my God-given personality and is the instrument He chooses to use for His purposes (when I'm not being all about me-ish). However, I abuse this gift and go completely Martha when I should be Mary. (Luke 10:38-42) I am getting much better (which I'm sure any frequent reader is glad of, since it tends to be the meat of my blog posts lately. I promise to be more entertaining in the next season of my life ;)) but it's my native language (the Martha thing) and even when I become fluent in Mary, if I'm not speaking and living only in Mary, Martha jumps back in quite often. In this Martha time, smudges on windows are just horrible. Not just a fingerprint, give me a break, I'm not that crazy ;). It's the smudges with milk/cereal/unknown food/etc in it that dries and is visible from no matter where you're looking from. I've found myself glancing out the window and seeing these smears all over, stopping whatever is going on, going to get some weapon to fight the dirty mess, and then going back to my day. Not once in this time did I notice what color the leaves were, or if there was a bird on my porch. I was too busy seeing the dirt.
There are days, like today, where it's almost impossible to see the beauty in my life because of all the crazy, "dirty" smudges obstructing my view. I want to battle them, one by one, all the while forgetting the reason I want it to be clean in the first place: to enjoy the life God has given to me. Martha complained to Jesus that Mary wasn't helping her, which, I'm afraid I would have been pretty annoyed too. It's martha's house, her sis has come over perhaps to "help." We know Jesus brings a HUGE crowd. She's got a lot of work, and my mother brain is still saying in the back somewhere, "so..she just...doesn't do it? then who will?." The answer? Jesus will. He broke bread and fish for the 5000, he turned water into wine. He will meet your needs. Not wants. Not weird pet peeves. Your needs. When Martha complained to Jesus about Mary, He told her no. He wouldn't tell her to stop listening and go do what she "should" have been doing. "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed-or indeed, only one. Mary has chosen what is better, it will not be taken from her."
What a lovely thought. Things are so temporary in this world. Smudges will be there again, as soon as she gets another cookie. The gas tank will have to be filled up again. Even your family and the people in your life and your world are temporary, but Jesus is something that will always hold steady and will never be taken from us. That, in itself, gives such hope and the first huge sigh of relief of the day. :)
Monday, December 20, 2010
A time for everything
Confession: I do not really like being a full time stay at home mom.
okay, okay, I know. your reaction was probably like, "gasp!!! but Heather! You craft!" I know. You would think the pre-school teacher turned mom would be right where she's comfortable, but I'm not. Not that I want some full time job that would keep me away from them all the time, but a few hours away a few days a week makes me a better mommy. I know that in this season of my life, my calling and job is to be home with them. Not that I don't enjoy it, by any means. I love it. I just sat at a little wooden princess table and had tea and coffee (water) with some dinner (oatmeal squares) while wearing crowns (I had to borrow Story's) and I wouldn't miss that for anything.
Throughout this time when things get stressful and crazy (basically since Story was born and slowing down now), I've spent a lot of time in Ecclesiastes. God has been showing me so many things and one of the most recent things has hit my heart so hard. Many people know the "a time for everything" part of this book, but I'll post it for anyone that's forgotten :)
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8
I have read this over and over the last few months at times where I felt like I was failing my family by being so stressed that I actually wanted to just get away a bit. (it's just not a warm fuzzy feeling for a mom). For awhile, God assured me that this was a season and that soon, things would feel "normal" again and we'd be able to enjoy each other and love each other without the physical exhaustion and mental numbness you have with a newborn. However, I began looking to these verses incorrectly without even realizing it. Slowly, Satan whispered God's word just a tad twisted like he's done so many times before to me and others before me (Eve is a very good example if you're looking for one). I began looking at these verses like some sort of promise that though my life is crazy now, it won't be later. That some day, my kids will be in school, I'll sleep through the night, and have date nights with my husband. Sounds lovely from the outside, but I was wishing away my little girls' youth. A couple of nights ago, I was thinking of all the gifts left to buy for family members that you haven't the first guess of what to get and things of that nature when once again, this thought was blown into my head. God finally spoke firmly to my heart telling me that with this season of craziness that leaves, as will London's cute way of saying "yuv yooo mommy" and Story's look of confusion with new things all around and the big toothless open-mouthed grin when my face comes into view in the midst of it. This season is the season of babies and milestones and cuddles in my lap b/c they're still small enough to rock to sleep. The season that I feel like I have no time to do anything because London constantly wants my attention when, one day, I'll have to beg her to come tell me things about her life. The season where I feel like I'm so behind on laundry that I'll never catch up, but also the season of clean footie pj's on little feet. sigh...sometimes, I wonder why God doesn't just throw a lightening bolt and wake me up to the life going on around me. haha
okay, okay, I know. your reaction was probably like, "gasp!!! but Heather! You craft!" I know. You would think the pre-school teacher turned mom would be right where she's comfortable, but I'm not. Not that I want some full time job that would keep me away from them all the time, but a few hours away a few days a week makes me a better mommy. I know that in this season of my life, my calling and job is to be home with them. Not that I don't enjoy it, by any means. I love it. I just sat at a little wooden princess table and had tea and coffee (water) with some dinner (oatmeal squares) while wearing crowns (I had to borrow Story's) and I wouldn't miss that for anything.
Throughout this time when things get stressful and crazy (basically since Story was born and slowing down now), I've spent a lot of time in Ecclesiastes. God has been showing me so many things and one of the most recent things has hit my heart so hard. Many people know the "a time for everything" part of this book, but I'll post it for anyone that's forgotten :)
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8
I have read this over and over the last few months at times where I felt like I was failing my family by being so stressed that I actually wanted to just get away a bit. (it's just not a warm fuzzy feeling for a mom). For awhile, God assured me that this was a season and that soon, things would feel "normal" again and we'd be able to enjoy each other and love each other without the physical exhaustion and mental numbness you have with a newborn. However, I began looking to these verses incorrectly without even realizing it. Slowly, Satan whispered God's word just a tad twisted like he's done so many times before to me and others before me (Eve is a very good example if you're looking for one). I began looking at these verses like some sort of promise that though my life is crazy now, it won't be later. That some day, my kids will be in school, I'll sleep through the night, and have date nights with my husband. Sounds lovely from the outside, but I was wishing away my little girls' youth. A couple of nights ago, I was thinking of all the gifts left to buy for family members that you haven't the first guess of what to get and things of that nature when once again, this thought was blown into my head. God finally spoke firmly to my heart telling me that with this season of craziness that leaves, as will London's cute way of saying "yuv yooo mommy" and Story's look of confusion with new things all around and the big toothless open-mouthed grin when my face comes into view in the midst of it. This season is the season of babies and milestones and cuddles in my lap b/c they're still small enough to rock to sleep. The season that I feel like I have no time to do anything because London constantly wants my attention when, one day, I'll have to beg her to come tell me things about her life. The season where I feel like I'm so behind on laundry that I'll never catch up, but also the season of clean footie pj's on little feet. sigh...sometimes, I wonder why God doesn't just throw a lightening bolt and wake me up to the life going on around me. haha
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
more adventures in motherland
I think my blog posts are getting farther and farther apart, nevertheless, a major truth hit me tonight. Nothing quite says "I'm a mother of two children under 2" quite like the worst constant back pain I remember ever having. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, and in fact, I never even felt contractions in labor, but I seem to have pulled something while changing a billion diapers (exaggeration) and cleaning up hundreds of messes (not an exaggeration) over the last several weeks. In trying to solve this problem, I've had to become more observant of my posture at all times. I'm always bent over cleaning something, changing something, wiping something, or whatever. I parent bent, I think. Have you ever tried to correct your posture while in the midst of a crazy life that causes you to ruin it consistently? It's insanely difficult.
If you've read any of my posts before, you're expecting some practical Biblical truth I've found to apply to my life from something ridiculously small, and because I have so much time to ponder during 3 am feedings, I won't disappoint you. This is very much like my spiritual walk lately. Because of the hectic lifestyle we lead, I've cut corners and slacked until I walk with Jesus bent over. It's just easier to do the things I need to do with a bad attitude or judgement or just flat out for myself than to stand up straight and walk tall standing firm on the Truth and living as He's called us to live. Over time, this posture physically and spiritually has hurt me much worse than I would have thought and though it once took days of letting the posture to slip before I felt the results, I now can let it slip for 2 minutes and I immediately feel the pain that is much worse than I felt weeks ago. I've learned to live with this posture and just as difficult as it is to remember to change a diaper with a straight back, it's nearly as impossible to deal with a screaming toddler with that straight posture spiritually. This is now my nature and habit more than it was before (though I've never had fantastic posture spiritually or physically ;)) and it is taking extreme intentionality to keep a close watch on it now. I'm now spending my time taking captive every negative thought that I notice, and when I'm hurting from my lack of posture and tension, I do the same thing as I do for my back: get still, calm, and let go of that tension. I let go of the stress, let go of my insistence that if I stop for one second that my entire house will fall a part, and I let go of every other thing I'm carrying around that's causing me to bend. Work in Progress....for certain.
If you've read any of my posts before, you're expecting some practical Biblical truth I've found to apply to my life from something ridiculously small, and because I have so much time to ponder during 3 am feedings, I won't disappoint you. This is very much like my spiritual walk lately. Because of the hectic lifestyle we lead, I've cut corners and slacked until I walk with Jesus bent over. It's just easier to do the things I need to do with a bad attitude or judgement or just flat out for myself than to stand up straight and walk tall standing firm on the Truth and living as He's called us to live. Over time, this posture physically and spiritually has hurt me much worse than I would have thought and though it once took days of letting the posture to slip before I felt the results, I now can let it slip for 2 minutes and I immediately feel the pain that is much worse than I felt weeks ago. I've learned to live with this posture and just as difficult as it is to remember to change a diaper with a straight back, it's nearly as impossible to deal with a screaming toddler with that straight posture spiritually. This is now my nature and habit more than it was before (though I've never had fantastic posture spiritually or physically ;)) and it is taking extreme intentionality to keep a close watch on it now. I'm now spending my time taking captive every negative thought that I notice, and when I'm hurting from my lack of posture and tension, I do the same thing as I do for my back: get still, calm, and let go of that tension. I let go of the stress, let go of my insistence that if I stop for one second that my entire house will fall a part, and I let go of every other thing I'm carrying around that's causing me to bend. Work in Progress....for certain.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
There is a time for everything
Story is now 6 weeks old tomorrow and London is not quite 20 months. I don't need to really give anymore detail into my average day, because that says it right there. I have to say that though the transition of having two kids was MUCH easier than the initial transition to one child, this is the darkest pit I've experienced thus far. There is something very difficult about having to grasp only the future and no present. I'm one of those that normally looks to future goals. I do something now, for what will come in the future. Though there are some things I enjoy, strictly because I can see progress right that second, like painting something or rearranging a room. However, in the life of a mother, it's very easy to lose track of those little things because you're constantly doing little things that you've already done 14 times that day, you did 30 times yesterday, and you'll do them 50 times tomorrow. Each day, I feed, clothe, clean, wipe, clean, change, clean, and so on. I load the dishwasher only to load it again later that day or tomorrow. I clean a high chair, and then do it again several more times before bed.
In this type of situation, it is so very hard to see purpose. I understand that what I'm doing will mold these little people into big people. I get that as a mommy, I am responsible for teaching them the ways of the Lord and sending them off one day in hopes that they understood my love for them, and even more so, the love God has for them. However, when you are in the midst of it, it's hard to see those distant days. You only see more diaper changes, laundry, and dirty floors.
This is where you all say to me, "Heather! This is a season that will pass. You have to make time for yourself. Remember to rest. yada yada" and I agree, but I'd never noticed how little other's words meant to me until I found what did work (usually ;)). A quiet time is hard to find because when the girls do nap together, cleaning is a gateway drug. You just have to wipe that one counter, which you realize is something that spilled and is on the floor too, so you bend down to wipe that spot on the floor, only to realize that the entire floor is filthy, so you're just going to sweep, only to realize that half that stuff needs to be mopped, not swept, and it keeps going until one or both are crying, needing food, a new diaper, and lots of attention, and I never got alone with the Lord.
In comes the book of Ecclesiastes. The first chapter, second verse begins, ""Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless."
3 What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?
4 Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever.
5 The sun rises and the sun sets,
and hurries back to where it rises.
6 The wind blows to the south
and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
ever returning on its course.
7 All streams flow into the sea,
yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
there they return again.
8 All things are wearisome,
more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing.
9 What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.
10 Is there anything of which one can say,
"Look! This is something new"?
It was here already, long ago;
it was here before our time.
11 There is no remembrance of men of old,
and even those who are yet to come
will not be remembered
by those who follow.
I read those words and picture myself, scrubbing floors and doing dishes and Jesus sitting at my dining room table saying, "I came to have a cup of coffee with you and see how you were doing. How's motherhood? How do you think London is adjusting to being a big sister? Are you worried about her? Is there anything you want me to do for her?" and I can't hear Him over my grumbling.
This is merely a season of my life. In that same book, in the third chapter, it says in verse one, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven." It's something I'm working on; and the great Refiner is bringing out my impurities just as He says in Malachi 3:3. So I apologize to those I blow off when they talk to me about this stressful, crazy season of my life...I just have to hear it from the lips of the Lover of my soul I guess :). And now, as if clockwork, my redheaded sweet baby is slowly moving and groaning and I hear distant cries from the strange little beautiful girl down the hall. haha...at least they're on the same schedule today, right? ;)
In this type of situation, it is so very hard to see purpose. I understand that what I'm doing will mold these little people into big people. I get that as a mommy, I am responsible for teaching them the ways of the Lord and sending them off one day in hopes that they understood my love for them, and even more so, the love God has for them. However, when you are in the midst of it, it's hard to see those distant days. You only see more diaper changes, laundry, and dirty floors.
This is where you all say to me, "Heather! This is a season that will pass. You have to make time for yourself. Remember to rest. yada yada" and I agree, but I'd never noticed how little other's words meant to me until I found what did work (usually ;)). A quiet time is hard to find because when the girls do nap together, cleaning is a gateway drug. You just have to wipe that one counter, which you realize is something that spilled and is on the floor too, so you bend down to wipe that spot on the floor, only to realize that the entire floor is filthy, so you're just going to sweep, only to realize that half that stuff needs to be mopped, not swept, and it keeps going until one or both are crying, needing food, a new diaper, and lots of attention, and I never got alone with the Lord.
In comes the book of Ecclesiastes. The first chapter, second verse begins, ""Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless."
3 What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?
4 Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever.
5 The sun rises and the sun sets,
and hurries back to where it rises.
6 The wind blows to the south
and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
ever returning on its course.
7 All streams flow into the sea,
yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
there they return again.
8 All things are wearisome,
more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing.
9 What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.
10 Is there anything of which one can say,
"Look! This is something new"?
It was here already, long ago;
it was here before our time.
11 There is no remembrance of men of old,
and even those who are yet to come
will not be remembered
by those who follow.
I read those words and picture myself, scrubbing floors and doing dishes and Jesus sitting at my dining room table saying, "I came to have a cup of coffee with you and see how you were doing. How's motherhood? How do you think London is adjusting to being a big sister? Are you worried about her? Is there anything you want me to do for her?" and I can't hear Him over my grumbling.
This is merely a season of my life. In that same book, in the third chapter, it says in verse one, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven." It's something I'm working on; and the great Refiner is bringing out my impurities just as He says in Malachi 3:3. So I apologize to those I blow off when they talk to me about this stressful, crazy season of my life...I just have to hear it from the lips of the Lover of my soul I guess :). And now, as if clockwork, my redheaded sweet baby is slowly moving and groaning and I hear distant cries from the strange little beautiful girl down the hall. haha...at least they're on the same schedule today, right? ;)
Thursday, October 7, 2010
"Me" Time
In reading through the accounts of Jesus' life written by His closest friends, I'm struck anew at how selfless He really is. All through the Gospels, we see Jesus living day in and day out constantly putting others before Himself.
There are obviously more perks than not of being the parent of a strange little beautiful 19 month old with more energy than I could get with a Starbucks in my own house, and a 24/7 velcro 4 week old that needs to be held as much as possible. However, when I let stress or exhaustion get to me, I can easily start thinking of the freedom I once had to hop in the car and run to the bank, or buy a new purse without robbing children of Christmas present money ha. The biggest thing most parents seem to miss, however, is their "me" time. I crave time where I can just sit and relax and not think about anything if I don't want to. This is so well known that even other people check on me and make sure I'm getting some down time alone to myself. I'm not knocking this at all or anyone that needs this (since I, myself, just said I crave it), however, no where in Jesus' life are we shown a time where He just wanted to hang out on a hammock, have a glass of tea, and chill. He was teaching and preaching and loving and performing miracles every day. It says He went to bed late and arose early and would seclude Himself. Even then, Jesus wasn't doing it for "me" time, He was craving time alone with His Father. Jesus so badly wanted to have as much time as possible with God alone that He sacrificed sleep and alone time to have it. I can't even imagine how drained He was physically, mentally, and emotionally. He was literally carrying the weight of the world, and yet, He knew that a quiet time would rejuvinate Him like sleep, food, and alone time could never come close to. Ahh the lessons I continue to learn and hope will sink in.
There are obviously more perks than not of being the parent of a strange little beautiful 19 month old with more energy than I could get with a Starbucks in my own house, and a 24/7 velcro 4 week old that needs to be held as much as possible. However, when I let stress or exhaustion get to me, I can easily start thinking of the freedom I once had to hop in the car and run to the bank, or buy a new purse without robbing children of Christmas present money ha. The biggest thing most parents seem to miss, however, is their "me" time. I crave time where I can just sit and relax and not think about anything if I don't want to. This is so well known that even other people check on me and make sure I'm getting some down time alone to myself. I'm not knocking this at all or anyone that needs this (since I, myself, just said I crave it), however, no where in Jesus' life are we shown a time where He just wanted to hang out on a hammock, have a glass of tea, and chill. He was teaching and preaching and loving and performing miracles every day. It says He went to bed late and arose early and would seclude Himself. Even then, Jesus wasn't doing it for "me" time, He was craving time alone with His Father. Jesus so badly wanted to have as much time as possible with God alone that He sacrificed sleep and alone time to have it. I can't even imagine how drained He was physically, mentally, and emotionally. He was literally carrying the weight of the world, and yet, He knew that a quiet time would rejuvinate Him like sleep, food, and alone time could never come close to. Ahh the lessons I continue to learn and hope will sink in.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Non-Super Mom :)
Sometimes, I take for granted just how powerful God is. As we're coming into our third week with Miss Story making us a family of four, and more accurately, me a mother of two, I so easily can become overwhelmed. Sometimes it could be the sleep deprevation that comes with a newborn with a healthy set of lungs, but sometimes, it's just from all the things that a mother can let herself worry over if she weakens. With London only, I worried that she didn't have enough food groups, or that she'd fall off the side of the recliner...again, or that she wouldn't nap so she'd be cranky later. With a newborn alone, you worry about their eating, is it enough, is it too much? You think her jerking her head like that ever makes it sore? Can we make it there and back before her next feeding?
But when you add the two together...you worry for the small one because of the bigger one in ways like, I hope she doesn't throw that at her. She's coloring Story, trying to feed Story, or other physical things. With London, I worry about mental and emotional things. You worry that she's wondering when will this baby go back home now? She wants to color, but Story is insisting on being held nonstop. London now screams and whines more because she states something in a normal tone 5 times with no one hearing her, so she resorts to a more annoying and successful tactic.
In the midst of this, I'm newly grateful for an all powerful God. I'm so grateful that He can do it all. That I'm no super parent, but He is. There's no fighting for His attention, no worry that choose someone else, b/c I'm already chosen. We all are. I'm grateful that I don't have to be whiney or scream to get Him to listen to me, and now wonder exactly why I do then? And, with that, London's awake so I'm sure Story will be soon as well, and the craziness begins again until bedtime :)
But when you add the two together...you worry for the small one because of the bigger one in ways like, I hope she doesn't throw that at her. She's coloring Story, trying to feed Story, or other physical things. With London, I worry about mental and emotional things. You worry that she's wondering when will this baby go back home now? She wants to color, but Story is insisting on being held nonstop. London now screams and whines more because she states something in a normal tone 5 times with no one hearing her, so she resorts to a more annoying and successful tactic.
In the midst of this, I'm newly grateful for an all powerful God. I'm so grateful that He can do it all. That I'm no super parent, but He is. There's no fighting for His attention, no worry that choose someone else, b/c I'm already chosen. We all are. I'm grateful that I don't have to be whiney or scream to get Him to listen to me, and now wonder exactly why I do then? And, with that, London's awake so I'm sure Story will be soon as well, and the craziness begins again until bedtime :)
Monday, August 23, 2010
This week's life lessons
One of the reasons I write publicly about my spiritual journey is in hopes that it will help anyone else that may come across it and is struggling in something similar and just needing to know they aren't alone. The main reason, however, is because the posts usually include something God is working on in me and a public admittance helps me to stay accountable. This week, the Holy Spirit has really been tugging on my heart in a few ways.
One of these is the devotion I give to my daughter. Driving in the car in the summer heat, I can not physically put vents on myself. They're all facing her and I'm constantly watching her cheeks to make sure they're not too pink. I make sure she has a cup of water or something to snack on when we go somewhere. Every time I'm with her (which is all the time now that I think about it..) I'm constantly thinking of her well being and comfort. I can't do that for everyone, b/c honestly, I'd probably die from exhaustion haha, but what if I spent half or even a fraction of that attention to physical needs on others? What if when I saw others in public, I truly cared how they were. Would I have offered Jesus a drink at the well, or would I have filled my bucket and hurried off to make sure my little kingdom at home was working like a well oiled machine? I don't really want to know the answer to that, but I'm pretty sure I can bet on what would have happened. Jesus said in Matthew, "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'"
Another lately is my need for comfort. I enjoy a surplus. At any time in our house, if we run out of hand soap, olive oil, spices, whatever, there is a larger container somewhere to refill it. I enjoy buying in bulk and eliminating the worry of running out. Lance and I are, by no means, "well off" though we are richer than most people in this world just because of our home, food, and other things we deem as "necessity." Things in my life that I need, whether financial stability, fruits of the spirit, recipe ingredients, or whatever, I cling to the surplus. I'm reminded by His spirit over and over, however, of the manna given to the Israelites that was just enough for them that day but would ruin when hoarded. I'm trying to realize that the things I need or want in life are given to me daily and by the second from Him. I'm only breathing b/c He just gave me this breath, and the next one and the next. If He stops, I stop, and I can not run without Him. A recent video clip by Priscilla Shirer really made me stop and think when she reminded us that out of the 2 million Isrealites that were brought out of Egypt, shown the miracles they witnessed, and given all that they were, only two made it to the Promised Land. 1 in a million. ...and now I'm wondering where I would fall in that number based on my life right now.
One of these is the devotion I give to my daughter. Driving in the car in the summer heat, I can not physically put vents on myself. They're all facing her and I'm constantly watching her cheeks to make sure they're not too pink. I make sure she has a cup of water or something to snack on when we go somewhere. Every time I'm with her (which is all the time now that I think about it..) I'm constantly thinking of her well being and comfort. I can't do that for everyone, b/c honestly, I'd probably die from exhaustion haha, but what if I spent half or even a fraction of that attention to physical needs on others? What if when I saw others in public, I truly cared how they were. Would I have offered Jesus a drink at the well, or would I have filled my bucket and hurried off to make sure my little kingdom at home was working like a well oiled machine? I don't really want to know the answer to that, but I'm pretty sure I can bet on what would have happened. Jesus said in Matthew, "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'"
Another lately is my need for comfort. I enjoy a surplus. At any time in our house, if we run out of hand soap, olive oil, spices, whatever, there is a larger container somewhere to refill it. I enjoy buying in bulk and eliminating the worry of running out. Lance and I are, by no means, "well off" though we are richer than most people in this world just because of our home, food, and other things we deem as "necessity." Things in my life that I need, whether financial stability, fruits of the spirit, recipe ingredients, or whatever, I cling to the surplus. I'm reminded by His spirit over and over, however, of the manna given to the Israelites that was just enough for them that day but would ruin when hoarded. I'm trying to realize that the things I need or want in life are given to me daily and by the second from Him. I'm only breathing b/c He just gave me this breath, and the next one and the next. If He stops, I stop, and I can not run without Him. A recent video clip by Priscilla Shirer really made me stop and think when she reminded us that out of the 2 million Isrealites that were brought out of Egypt, shown the miracles they witnessed, and given all that they were, only two made it to the Promised Land. 1 in a million. ...and now I'm wondering where I would fall in that number based on my life right now.
Monday, August 16, 2010
For Moms, whether working or at home :)
I have days where I feel like I'm still brand new to the mom thing. London changes so fast that about the time I feel like I have a grip on our relationship, she goes through a new phase, learns a new trick, or gets a tooth which sends us right back to the start where I'm clueless.
Then...there are other days, most days. The days where I can't remember my life before diaper bags, nap times, and toys strewn across my living room. I forget the Heather that was single and used to shrug her shoulders when questioned on the urgency of a midnight walmart trip. I look to my past and see only pregnancy and London, and I look to the future and see only soccer games (hopefully ;)) and math homework, and my present is consumed with Mommy-ness. On these days, I get lost. Lost in my world, my kingdom.
A struggle I've had since London and will probably continue to have is knowing where the line is drawn between my identity as a mom and everything else. I hear from other moms about their love of being a stay at home mom and how it's what God meant in making our children our main priority. Then, I'm plagued with guilt. I know for a fact that God has called me into His ministry and given me a heart for women. I don't know what that looks like exactly with small children at home, and I don't know what my future will hold, but I know of that calling. I'm grateful that for the next couple of years at least, I will not have to be away from home more than part time, but that God has led me to a church where I can have all the girl time I can handle with so many University girls around me.
In the meantime, God is showing me little by little what it looks like to be a wife, woman, and yes, mother. I was beginning to think the other day that I had gotten it all wrong and that wife and mother were what I was this season of my life and I was being selfish to think otherwise. This is when God led me to Isaiah 9. In reading about Christ's future first coming, I read the list of roles he would fulfill: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Everyone knows the different roles a mom is just within that one job: nurse, cook, cleaning lady, and so on. However, God revealed to me that Jesus came to fulfill many roles to many people and that I am to look to His example for that. I have no plans on leaving my stay at home position (other than school) for quite some time, but in this verse, I have more freedom in seeing things when I will go back to work and have to be away. I thought I would share this verse with other moms, whether staying at home and wondering if this is just their identity now, or moms that can’t be home, whether from financial reasons or because it is not their calling. Either way, you are loved by God. He created you to raise your children up to know Him, to support your husband as he follows Him, but mostly, to be His daughter and bask in the knowledge that you are beautiful and perfect in His sight.
Then...there are other days, most days. The days where I can't remember my life before diaper bags, nap times, and toys strewn across my living room. I forget the Heather that was single and used to shrug her shoulders when questioned on the urgency of a midnight walmart trip. I look to my past and see only pregnancy and London, and I look to the future and see only soccer games (hopefully ;)) and math homework, and my present is consumed with Mommy-ness. On these days, I get lost. Lost in my world, my kingdom.
A struggle I've had since London and will probably continue to have is knowing where the line is drawn between my identity as a mom and everything else. I hear from other moms about their love of being a stay at home mom and how it's what God meant in making our children our main priority. Then, I'm plagued with guilt. I know for a fact that God has called me into His ministry and given me a heart for women. I don't know what that looks like exactly with small children at home, and I don't know what my future will hold, but I know of that calling. I'm grateful that for the next couple of years at least, I will not have to be away from home more than part time, but that God has led me to a church where I can have all the girl time I can handle with so many University girls around me.
In the meantime, God is showing me little by little what it looks like to be a wife, woman, and yes, mother. I was beginning to think the other day that I had gotten it all wrong and that wife and mother were what I was this season of my life and I was being selfish to think otherwise. This is when God led me to Isaiah 9. In reading about Christ's future first coming, I read the list of roles he would fulfill: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Everyone knows the different roles a mom is just within that one job: nurse, cook, cleaning lady, and so on. However, God revealed to me that Jesus came to fulfill many roles to many people and that I am to look to His example for that. I have no plans on leaving my stay at home position (other than school) for quite some time, but in this verse, I have more freedom in seeing things when I will go back to work and have to be away. I thought I would share this verse with other moms, whether staying at home and wondering if this is just their identity now, or moms that can’t be home, whether from financial reasons or because it is not their calling. Either way, you are loved by God. He created you to raise your children up to know Him, to support your husband as he follows Him, but mostly, to be His daughter and bask in the knowledge that you are beautiful and perfect in His sight.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
His beauty
Sometimes, I wonder if God ever rolls His eyes at me. I so often catch myself after a long day praying for Him to show Himself to me more. I feel alone and stressed and feel like He's no where close to talk to. Yesterday was one of those days. You have those days of parenthood where you feel like this was the reason you were created, and then you have other days where you wonder why God would let you have children and subject such an innocent to such an awful parent haha.
London had been dropped off at my in-laws for her safety and for Lance and I to attend Elevate (our Wednesday night college worship) and I really needed to do that alone. She had cried most of the day, screamed really, and insisted on being in my lap or on me in some way. For those that have forgotten, I'm a few days away from being 8 months pregnant and that lap is slowly disappearing for her to sit on. I was tired, stressed, and because I rely on her naptime as a lifeline to an afternoon quiet time and she hadn't taken one, I felt devastated and unable to cope with the rest of the day. I left the Elevate cook out early because a pregnant girl and extreme heat and humidity just don't mix well. I love the drive to my in-laws in the afternoon/evening because you are facing the sunset and the interstate gives a very clear view. I was driving in complete silence and praying for God to give me just enough patience and joy to finish out the rest of London's evening without Lance there to help (he had band practice) and asked God to reveal Himself to me more. I just wasn't seeing His presence that evening and missed it. Then, the Holy Spirit guided my attention back to that sunset. It was so beautiful, with the clouds a perfect color. I began to watch the landscape as it passed (while watching the road of course :)) and began to see what He was trying to show me. He is everywhere. He created the sunset, the wind through the trees that feels so good on such a hot evening, and He gave me the little girl that's usually cuter than anything in the world but just so happens to be screaming in the floor. I suppose that of all my studying of the fruits of the Spirit lately, what I need to learn most is that everyday of parenthood will require more filling up than the day before did, which means more time with Him. With such a spunky little girl, it will be a challenge to keep her guided gently on the path, but I'm looking forward to watching the relationships that will grow closer through it, with Lance and I and our Lord. Now let's pray for a better day today than yesterday and LOTS of naps! :)
London had been dropped off at my in-laws for her safety and for Lance and I to attend Elevate (our Wednesday night college worship) and I really needed to do that alone. She had cried most of the day, screamed really, and insisted on being in my lap or on me in some way. For those that have forgotten, I'm a few days away from being 8 months pregnant and that lap is slowly disappearing for her to sit on. I was tired, stressed, and because I rely on her naptime as a lifeline to an afternoon quiet time and she hadn't taken one, I felt devastated and unable to cope with the rest of the day. I left the Elevate cook out early because a pregnant girl and extreme heat and humidity just don't mix well. I love the drive to my in-laws in the afternoon/evening because you are facing the sunset and the interstate gives a very clear view. I was driving in complete silence and praying for God to give me just enough patience and joy to finish out the rest of London's evening without Lance there to help (he had band practice) and asked God to reveal Himself to me more. I just wasn't seeing His presence that evening and missed it. Then, the Holy Spirit guided my attention back to that sunset. It was so beautiful, with the clouds a perfect color. I began to watch the landscape as it passed (while watching the road of course :)) and began to see what He was trying to show me. He is everywhere. He created the sunset, the wind through the trees that feels so good on such a hot evening, and He gave me the little girl that's usually cuter than anything in the world but just so happens to be screaming in the floor. I suppose that of all my studying of the fruits of the Spirit lately, what I need to learn most is that everyday of parenthood will require more filling up than the day before did, which means more time with Him. With such a spunky little girl, it will be a challenge to keep her guided gently on the path, but I'm looking forward to watching the relationships that will grow closer through it, with Lance and I and our Lord. Now let's pray for a better day today than yesterday and LOTS of naps! :)
Friday, July 2, 2010
Getting to know my Father through London & Daddy :)
I never had a close relationship to my dad. My parents divorced when I was young, and he moved for a job when I was in grade school. From lack of opportunity, we were just never given many times to really truly learn who each other was. Because of this reason, I'm intrigued watching London and Lance interact and live. With each month, she grows a little physically and grows sooo much in personality. As she's learning and living, I get to watch her follow her Daddy around, make him read to her, tie her tutu on, and things of this nature.
What I'm learning by watching them is that London knows her Daddy. She knows that if she smiles and says "peees" (please) that he'll read her a book no matter what he has going on. She knows what reaction to expect and she knows what she can and can't get away with around him. All this, a 16 month old has learned by spending time with him and him being there to play, comfort, and support her. So, I sit and think, what am I doing, reading book after book about God, doing in depth studies on the Greek words of the fruits of the spirit, and so on? Not that I'm not reaping blessings from those, or that He's not showing Himself to me in that, but not like He would if I'd be more willing to crawl into His lap to read His word. Or, like He would if when I was upset or hurt, I raised my hands to Him; if He was the source of my nourishment and living water.
This is something He's been trying to teach me for so long, and something I'm sure I'll continue to forget and have to be reminded of, but I'm glad He picked such a beautiful image to show me each day to open my eyes.
What I'm learning by watching them is that London knows her Daddy. She knows that if she smiles and says "peees" (please) that he'll read her a book no matter what he has going on. She knows what reaction to expect and she knows what she can and can't get away with around him. All this, a 16 month old has learned by spending time with him and him being there to play, comfort, and support her. So, I sit and think, what am I doing, reading book after book about God, doing in depth studies on the Greek words of the fruits of the spirit, and so on? Not that I'm not reaping blessings from those, or that He's not showing Himself to me in that, but not like He would if I'd be more willing to crawl into His lap to read His word. Or, like He would if when I was upset or hurt, I raised my hands to Him; if He was the source of my nourishment and living water.
This is something He's been trying to teach me for so long, and something I'm sure I'll continue to forget and have to be reminded of, but I'm glad He picked such a beautiful image to show me each day to open my eyes.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Learning Dependence on Him
Never before have I thought about learning to have a dependence on God. That is, never until I had a toddler. London has transformed into a full out toddler this past two weeks, and one thing I've learned is that toddlers don't officially become toddlers just because they can walk. It's the whole package. It's walking, reaching things that are higher, communication, fits, and INDEPENDENCE! Now that she can walk on her own and doesn't need me close incase she falls, she doesn't need me at all. (or so she thinks) I call to her, I show her where we're supposed to be going, I allow her as much independence as possible (when it's safe) but she wants to go another way, gets distracted, or just plain doesn't want to listen. My walk with God has never hit me so clearly in this area.
I never thought about the fact that as I learn and grow, I become more independent, but He must teach me dependence again. If I allowed London to continue on in her independence, not only would she be a danger to herself, but her growing and learning would stop. How can she learn to climb steps leading to a slide if someone's not there to teach her to step up one small one onto a patio without falling? It's never occurred to me before that once we hit this milestone, I'll need to continue pulling her back in over and over and keep her dependent on me. I'm still where she gets food and shelter, and will be until she can at least reach the counter haha. How true is this with God? He is where we find nourishment and rest, but it's not until we're at the end of our rope dying of malnourishment before we remember Who can feed us. At least that's how it is with me. I'm grateful that He is showing me little by little His path for me in a way I can most relate to: parenthood. Now when I look back with the wisdom of hindsight, I see those times when my life seemed frustrating or stressful. I remember my reactions to those times that now very much resemble toddler tantrums, and now I can see where God was reeling me in from hurting myself or just running away from Him and I think of how much harder His job is than mine haha. I am must more stubborn and strong-willed than my toddler (so far) and I'm glad He's always leading me.
He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Psalm 23:3
I never thought about the fact that as I learn and grow, I become more independent, but He must teach me dependence again. If I allowed London to continue on in her independence, not only would she be a danger to herself, but her growing and learning would stop. How can she learn to climb steps leading to a slide if someone's not there to teach her to step up one small one onto a patio without falling? It's never occurred to me before that once we hit this milestone, I'll need to continue pulling her back in over and over and keep her dependent on me. I'm still where she gets food and shelter, and will be until she can at least reach the counter haha. How true is this with God? He is where we find nourishment and rest, but it's not until we're at the end of our rope dying of malnourishment before we remember Who can feed us. At least that's how it is with me. I'm grateful that He is showing me little by little His path for me in a way I can most relate to: parenthood. Now when I look back with the wisdom of hindsight, I see those times when my life seemed frustrating or stressful. I remember my reactions to those times that now very much resemble toddler tantrums, and now I can see where God was reeling me in from hurting myself or just running away from Him and I think of how much harder His job is than mine haha. I am must more stubborn and strong-willed than my toddler (so far) and I'm glad He's always leading me.
He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Psalm 23:3
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