There is a time for everything

Story is now 6 weeks old tomorrow and London is not quite 20 months. I don't need to really give anymore detail into my average day, because that says it right there. I have to say that though the transition of having two kids was MUCH easier than the initial transition to one child, this is the darkest pit I've experienced thus far. There is something very difficult about having to grasp only the future and no present. I'm one of those that normally looks to future goals. I do something now, for what will come in the future. Though there are some things I enjoy, strictly because I can see progress right that second, like painting something or rearranging a room. However, in the life of a mother, it's very easy to lose track of those little things because you're constantly doing little things that you've already done 14 times that day, you did 30 times yesterday, and you'll do them 50 times tomorrow. Each day, I feed, clothe, clean, wipe, clean, change, clean, and so on. I load the dishwasher only to load it again later that day or tomorrow. I clean a high chair, and then do it again several more times before bed.

In this type of situation, it is so very hard to see purpose. I understand that what I'm doing will mold these little people into big people. I get that as a mommy, I am responsible for teaching them the ways of the Lord and sending them off one day in hopes that they understood my love for them, and even more so, the love God has for them. However, when you are in the midst of it, it's hard to see those distant days. You only see more diaper changes, laundry, and dirty floors.

This is where you all say to me, "Heather! This is a season that will pass. You have to make time for yourself. Remember to rest. yada yada" and I agree, but I'd never noticed how little other's words meant to me until I found what did work (usually ;)). A quiet time is hard to find because when the girls do nap together, cleaning is a gateway drug. You just have to wipe that one counter, which you realize is something that spilled and is on the floor too, so you bend down to wipe that spot on the floor, only to realize that the entire floor is filthy, so you're just going to sweep, only to realize that half that stuff needs to be mopped, not swept, and it keeps going until one or both are crying, needing food, a new diaper, and lots of attention, and I never got alone with the Lord.

In comes the book of Ecclesiastes. The first chapter, second verse begins, ""Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless."

3 What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?

4 Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever.

5 The sun rises and the sun sets,
and hurries back to where it rises.

6 The wind blows to the south
and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
ever returning on its course.

7 All streams flow into the sea,
yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
there they return again.

8 All things are wearisome,
more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing.

9 What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.

10 Is there anything of which one can say,
"Look! This is something new"?
It was here already, long ago;
it was here before our time.

11 There is no remembrance of men of old,
and even those who are yet to come
will not be remembered
by those who follow.

I read those words and picture myself, scrubbing floors and doing dishes and Jesus sitting at my dining room table saying, "I came to have a cup of coffee with you and see how you were doing. How's motherhood? How do you think London is adjusting to being a big sister? Are you worried about her? Is there anything you want me to do for her?" and I can't hear Him over my grumbling.

This is merely a season of my life. In that same book, in the third chapter, it says in verse one, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven." It's something I'm working on; and the great Refiner is bringing out my impurities just as He says in Malachi 3:3. So I apologize to those I blow off when they talk to me about this stressful, crazy season of my life...I just have to hear it from the lips of the Lover of my soul I guess :). And now, as if clockwork, my redheaded sweet baby is slowly moving and groaning and I hear distant cries from the strange little beautiful girl down the hall. haha...at least they're on the same schedule today, right? ;)

"Me" Time

In reading through the accounts of Jesus' life written by His closest friends, I'm struck anew at how selfless He really is. All through the Gospels, we see Jesus living day in and day out constantly putting others before Himself.

There are obviously more perks than not of being the parent of a strange little beautiful 19 month old with more energy than I could get with a Starbucks in my own house, and a 24/7 velcro 4 week old that needs to be held as much as possible. However, when I let stress or exhaustion get to me, I can easily start thinking of the freedom I once had to hop in the car and run to the bank, or buy a new purse without robbing children of Christmas present money ha. The biggest thing most parents seem to miss, however, is their "me" time. I crave time where I can just sit and relax and not think about anything if I don't want to. This is so well known that even other people check on me and make sure I'm getting some down time alone to myself. I'm not knocking this at all or anyone that needs this (since I, myself, just said I crave it), however, no where in Jesus' life are we shown a time where He just wanted to hang out on a hammock, have a glass of tea, and chill. He was teaching and preaching and loving and performing miracles every day. It says He went to bed late and arose early and would seclude Himself. Even then, Jesus wasn't doing it for "me" time, He was craving time alone with His Father. Jesus so badly wanted to have as much time as possible with God alone that He sacrificed sleep and alone time to have it. I can't even imagine how drained He was physically, mentally, and emotionally. He was literally carrying the weight of the world, and yet, He knew that a quiet time would rejuvinate Him like sleep, food, and alone time could never come close to. Ahh the lessons I continue to learn and hope will sink in.

Non-Super Mom :)

Sometimes, I take for granted just how powerful God is. As we're coming into our third week with Miss Story making us a family of four, and more accurately, me a mother of two, I so easily can become overwhelmed. Sometimes it could be the sleep deprevation that comes with a newborn with a healthy set of lungs, but sometimes, it's just from all the things that a mother can let herself worry over if she weakens. With London only, I worried that she didn't have enough food groups, or that she'd fall off the side of the recliner...again, or that she wouldn't nap so she'd be cranky later. With a newborn alone, you worry about their eating, is it enough, is it too much? You think her jerking her head like that ever makes it sore? Can we make it there and back before her next feeding?

But when you add the two together...you worry for the small one because of the bigger one in ways like, I hope she doesn't throw that at her. She's coloring Story, trying to feed Story, or other physical things. With London, I worry about mental and emotional things. You worry that she's wondering when will this baby go back home now? She wants to color, but Story is insisting on being held nonstop. London now screams and whines more because she states something in a normal tone 5 times with no one hearing her, so she resorts to a more annoying and successful tactic.

In the midst of this, I'm newly grateful for an all powerful God. I'm so grateful that He can do it all. That I'm no super parent, but He is. There's no fighting for His attention, no worry that choose someone else, b/c I'm already chosen. We all are. I'm grateful that I don't have to be whiney or scream to get Him to listen to me, and now wonder exactly why I do then? And, with that, London's awake so I'm sure Story will be soon as well, and the craziness begins again until bedtime :)

Patience

I've always greatly disliked the popular phrase Christians throw around, "Never pray for patience." Somehow, a nasty rumor began floating around some time ago that you only need patience when you're given really big obstacles and that God won't send you those obstacles if you aren't praying for the patience to get through them. In my life before marriage, children, and all the other adult stuff, I never had a problem finding situations needing patience. I worked as a server in a restaurant and as a preschool teacher. I had electronics even though I am extremely low-tech. I had difficult professors. Then, when I got married, I lived in a small one bedroom apartment with another person...and a boy at that! Then, we had London, and I assure you, I've had even less difficulties finding situations that require patience since. I've learned that whether or not I ask for patience to get through it, London will dump a bowl of cereal and milk. She will use the restroom in the floor instead of her potty. She wash off her popsicle that was dropped in the dirt in her little swimming pool. These things are going to happen, and if I have not filled up my tank of patience and other fruits, they just seem to happen more.

Now, here I am, 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant, and once again, God is teaching me patience whether I like it or not. (Those of you that plan your pregnancies successfully, do NOT make your last month August just for future reference ;)) I feel like a completely different person, and one that I personally would probably not pick as a friend most of the time. In pregnancy, your body is not what you normally have, your hormones aren't, and you don't even get to wear your own clothes. Very much a case of the invasion of the body snatchers. However, God is faithful. More faithful than me. I'm hoping that this ever lengthening pregnancy and all the "joys" that come with it will bring with it afterwards wisdom and a greater ability to mother two children instead of just one. I'm grateful that His Word doesn't come back void and that He is constantly grooming me to be the leader spiritually I need to be to raise up children for Him and, even more, grooming me to be the follower spiritually I need to be for Lance. Wouldn't it be lovely to be less stubborn and headstrong and learn these lessons way easier and faster though?! :)

This week's life lessons

One of the reasons I write publicly about my spiritual journey is in hopes that it will help anyone else that may come across it and is struggling in something similar and just needing to know they aren't alone. The main reason, however, is because the posts usually include something God is working on in me and a public admittance helps me to stay accountable. This week, the Holy Spirit has really been tugging on my heart in a few ways.

One of these is the devotion I give to my daughter. Driving in the car in the summer heat, I can not physically put vents on myself. They're all facing her and I'm constantly watching her cheeks to make sure they're not too pink. I make sure she has a cup of water or something to snack on when we go somewhere. Every time I'm with her (which is all the time now that I think about it..) I'm constantly thinking of her well being and comfort. I can't do that for everyone, b/c honestly, I'd probably die from exhaustion haha, but what if I spent half or even a fraction of that attention to physical needs on others? What if when I saw others in public, I truly cared how they were. Would I have offered Jesus a drink at the well, or would I have filled my bucket and hurried off to make sure my little kingdom at home was working like a well oiled machine? I don't really want to know the answer to that, but I'm pretty sure I can bet on what would have happened. Jesus said in Matthew, "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'"

Another lately is my need for comfort. I enjoy a surplus. At any time in our house, if we run out of hand soap, olive oil, spices, whatever, there is a larger container somewhere to refill it. I enjoy buying in bulk and eliminating the worry of running out. Lance and I are, by no means, "well off" though we are richer than most people in this world just because of our home, food, and other things we deem as "necessity." Things in my life that I need, whether financial stability, fruits of the spirit, recipe ingredients, or whatever, I cling to the surplus. I'm reminded by His spirit over and over, however, of the manna given to the Israelites that was just enough for them that day but would ruin when hoarded. I'm trying to realize that the things I need or want in life are given to me daily and by the second from Him. I'm only breathing b/c He just gave me this breath, and the next one and the next. If He stops, I stop, and I can not run without Him. A recent video clip by Priscilla Shirer really made me stop and think when she reminded us that out of the 2 million Isrealites that were brought out of Egypt, shown the miracles they witnessed, and given all that they were, only two made it to the Promised Land. 1 in a million. ...and now I'm wondering where I would fall in that number based on my life right now.

For Moms, whether working or at home :)

I have days where I feel like I'm still brand new to the mom thing. London changes so fast that about the time I feel like I have a grip on our relationship, she goes through a new phase, learns a new trick, or gets a tooth which sends us right back to the start where I'm clueless.
Then...there are other days, most days. The days where I can't remember my life before diaper bags, nap times, and toys strewn across my living room. I forget the Heather that was single and used to shrug her shoulders when questioned on the urgency of a midnight walmart trip. I look to my past and see only pregnancy and London, and I look to the future and see only soccer games (hopefully ;)) and math homework, and my present is consumed with Mommy-ness. On these days, I get lost. Lost in my world, my kingdom.
A struggle I've had since London and will probably continue to have is knowing where the line is drawn between my identity as a mom and everything else. I hear from other moms about their love of being a stay at home mom and how it's what God meant in making our children our main priority. Then, I'm plagued with guilt. I know for a fact that God has called me into His ministry and given me a heart for women. I don't know what that looks like exactly with small children at home, and I don't know what my future will hold, but I know of that calling. I'm grateful that for the next couple of years at least, I will not have to be away from home more than part time, but that God has led me to a church where I can have all the girl time I can handle with so many University girls around me.
In the meantime, God is showing me little by little what it looks like to be a wife, woman, and yes, mother. I was beginning to think the other day that I had gotten it all wrong and that wife and mother were what I was this season of my life and I was being selfish to think otherwise. This is when God led me to Isaiah 9. In reading about Christ's future first coming, I read the list of roles he would fulfill: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Everyone knows the different roles a mom is just within that one job: nurse, cook, cleaning lady, and so on. However, God revealed to me that Jesus came to fulfill many roles to many people and that I am to look to His example for that. I have no plans on leaving my stay at home position (other than school) for quite some time, but in this verse, I have more freedom in seeing things when I will go back to work and have to be away. I thought I would share this verse with other moms, whether staying at home and wondering if this is just their identity now, or moms that can’t be home, whether from financial reasons or because it is not their calling. Either way, you are loved by God. He created you to raise your children up to know Him, to support your husband as he follows Him, but mostly, to be His daughter and bask in the knowledge that you are beautiful and perfect in His sight.

His beauty

Sometimes, I wonder if God ever rolls His eyes at me. I so often catch myself after a long day praying for Him to show Himself to me more. I feel alone and stressed and feel like He's no where close to talk to. Yesterday was one of those days. You have those days of parenthood where you feel like this was the reason you were created, and then you have other days where you wonder why God would let you have children and subject such an innocent to such an awful parent haha.
London had been dropped off at my in-laws for her safety and for Lance and I to attend Elevate (our Wednesday night college worship) and I really needed to do that alone. She had cried most of the day, screamed really, and insisted on being in my lap or on me in some way. For those that have forgotten, I'm a few days away from being 8 months pregnant and that lap is slowly disappearing for her to sit on. I was tired, stressed, and because I rely on her naptime as a lifeline to an afternoon quiet time and she hadn't taken one, I felt devastated and unable to cope with the rest of the day. I left the Elevate cook out early because a pregnant girl and extreme heat and humidity just don't mix well. I love the drive to my in-laws in the afternoon/evening because you are facing the sunset and the interstate gives a very clear view. I was driving in complete silence and praying for God to give me just enough patience and joy to finish out the rest of London's evening without Lance there to help (he had band practice) and asked God to reveal Himself to me more. I just wasn't seeing His presence that evening and missed it. Then, the Holy Spirit guided my attention back to that sunset. It was so beautiful, with the clouds a perfect color. I began to watch the landscape as it passed (while watching the road of course :)) and began to see what He was trying to show me. He is everywhere. He created the sunset, the wind through the trees that feels so good on such a hot evening, and He gave me the little girl that's usually cuter than anything in the world but just so happens to be screaming in the floor. I suppose that of all my studying of the fruits of the Spirit lately, what I need to learn most is that everyday of parenthood will require more filling up than the day before did, which means more time with Him. With such a spunky little girl, it will be a challenge to keep her guided gently on the path, but I'm looking forward to watching the relationships that will grow closer through it, with Lance and I and our Lord. Now let's pray for a better day today than yesterday and LOTS of naps! :)