motor mouth

Do you ever just get tired of yourself? I'm not even kidding, y'all. Lately, the thought keeps coming to mind, "...I have NO idea why people keep asking me to hang out! I have zero self control over my mouth." Lance and I both have this sincere urge to be that person in the room that hardly talks, but when they do, you listen because it's always good. He does very well in public with it, then talks up a storm at home. I'm the opposite. I seem to able to control my tongue and discern an attitude or situation before speaking at home, and...not so much in public. Part of it may be because at home, pretty much all my time is spent speaking to people that can either not understand what I'm saying, or isn't listening anyway.

Words are very important to me. I mean what I say, and I hold others to the same...but you would never know that by the amount of chatting away I do, whether harmless chit chat, or words I regret because of a lack of discernment in using my words. I don't have a lot of extra time for much, especially people not related to me, and I would love it if I spent those moments in lifting up others, glorifying my Lord, and finding out more about them and their needs than talking. For more than a year now, the Spirit has been showing me this in my life and I leave almost every single conversation with others thinking, "I wish so badly I'd just been quieter." My lack of self control has not been getting that much better, since I still don't hear the Spirit until I've left the conversation (hard to hear over your constant chatter haha), but I'm still determined to work on it. In fact, I'm rambling on this post because I've decided this will be a serious prayer focus from this point on. Let's hope for the sake of my friends, children, and His name, it'll be a fast transition ;).


This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:
“In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in QUIETNESS and trust is your strength,
but you would have none of it.
Isaiah 30:15

{This Moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

-Amanda Soule

{This Moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. -- Amanda Soule

Truths of motherhood

I once read a quote on a blog about motherhood that said something along the lines of "Motherhood, to me, was born 11 years ago. I say that because we were born together." It was such a profound thought for me. So often, a situation arises where I attempt to ask myself what I would do or what the thought process would have been during the days before I became pregnant with London. Before I began sharing every space I have, including myself. Before I was born into a new person and role in life. And the truth is? I can't remember. I can't remember how I handled situations, or didn't handle them...I can't remember what my thought process would be in each situation. Perhaps because there wasn't one; perhaps because it's not worth remembering. Probably both.


For some reason, motherhood wasn't something that I immediately fit the mold to. If you knew me before hand, you know why ;). To me, it seems as though motherhood was a certain mold in the beginning. It was a selfless, giving, loving mold. and I overflowed in areas and fell short in other areas. Fortunately for us all, that mold is flexible and easy to customize. The proof of that is seen in how quickly some mothers seem to get it all together. Not everything is perfect in their lives. They may not be sleeping at night..but, they understand what comes with this mold and they're okay with that. I was not that person. Not that I'm completely that person now ;).

But I don't know that I ever realized that motherhood was customizable. I never knew that this can work for my home, but I could throw that out, tweak this, mess with that, until what we had was our normal, our home, and my version of motherhood. Then, I got a new mold when I became a mother of two. (Having two is way different than one, ya know) And all of a sudden, I saw the mold. I was forced to discover it's flexibility because we weren't gonna make it any other way. Where I believed I was failing was really me discovering what was best for my little family. Through those failures, I grew into my role and soul of motherhood. I looked, really looked into the eyes of the little souls that looked up at me. For the first time, I saw the needs of my children before they could even voice them (other than it's just time for a bottle.)

I do not have it all together. In fact, that idea is a complete lie and mothers should not believe that's something that we can truly achieve or you will feel like a failure every day. What you can achieve is love. The full knowledge of what has been placed in your hands and arms. To understand that what you may see as a failure is really motherhood growing pains. That we grow as a mother just as our children grow into beings. At the end of the day, that we said in what we did, what we said, what we spoke through our being is "you are loved. completely, entirely, and just as you are." In the throes of potty training and the baby stage where they have to be bathed after every. single. meal., I find it so difficult to remember these truths. I also know a few mommas in more difficult seasons than me, and hopefully, this can stand as a reminder to us both.

{This Moment}

A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.
-Amanda Soule

Recovery

today, I'm recovering. just a minor operation, but it's left me on the couch a day or two.

I've never recovered before.
I've never taken the time,
even with two babies, I never even slowed
and this perspective is new to me.

the house is quiet, and I'm marvelling at the home we have.
the washing machine is running, without me.
a chubby baby is sleeping peacefully, without me.
our little home is still here.

I've noticed anew the large framed pictures on walls,
little notes and signs that were meant to serve as reminders
that I simply pass by each day,
busy with some new importance.

they were supposed to remind me of who I am, or at least want to be.
to remind me of people and faith,
of little faces behind the stickiness and dirt.
but I forgot anyway.

maybe I don't sit down enough?
but then, there's another thing to add to a to-do list.
maybe I never simply am.
yes, that's it, I believe.

I do.
I do laundry.
I do dishes.
I do diaper changes.

but..I am.
I am partner, not just wife.
I am friend, not just disciplinary.
I am daughter, not just mother.

pupil.
mistake maker.
strong.
loving.

I think this may be my new favorite seat in our home.

As iron sharpens iron

I've been mulling over some ponderings in my head as of late on the topic of motherhood. I follow a lot of blogs. many. many blogs. Most are craft blogs, and some are writings. There is one in particular of a mother with several children. Her blog makes you want to sit at her kitchen table in the morning and share a cup of coffee while kids run in and out and muffins bake. Her house seems calm, serene, but mostly, filled with love. A love of motherhood and nurturing that I want so badly that I can't even stand it. It is a rite of passage to her that has created her a new being that is more important than the one she had before. She soaks in time with her children like I soak in alone time, and I want what she has. Out of all my many blogs, she inspires me the most. Here's the kicker, this woman is the only mother that I follow that is not a Christian. oops. We are messing up here. Let me reiterate this again, out of more than a dozen women (all of which are amazing women, don't get me wrong!) the one that sharpens me and challenges me in more ways than she'd ever guess, does not have the Holy Spirit.

I've been trying to figure this out for weeks now, and I still do not have it figured out completely. Part of it, I think is the programming. I am not programmed to wake up with the one unspoken goal to achieve again and again each day of speaking "I love you" into my children in more ways than just verbally. I'm programmed to survive. I don't know when that programming began. I don't even know how long it lay dormant. I just know it's there.

Part is the words spoken into us. What do we hear when pregnant or a new mother? "If you're uncomfortable now, wait until labor." "Eh, by the time you're in labor, you won't care. You'll just be in so much pain that nothing will matter." "You think you don't get sleep now wait until you're wondering where they're at all night." Negatives. What about things like, "pregnancy is rough, but I loved the part of wondering what they'll look like, and who they would one day become." "Labor isn't exactly the most fun of your life, but it's the very beginning of a life. A time when God's promises and miracles are actively taking place, and His presence covers the room while waiting to speak NOW and your baby is born." "Teenage years can be crazy, but Proverbs 31 tells us a Godly woman looks to the future and smiles, not dreads. Imagine how beautiful your teenage daughter will be as she learns who she is during that time." Where are those comments? Young mothers need encouragement. We need Truth.
Then, of course, comes the question of, am I that mother? Do I speak those comments? Of course not. I'm the first kind of mother. I live in chaos. It's the name of my blog! But...God brings order from chaos. And...after all, I do have the Holy Spirit.
We juggle so much. We try to do it all and keep a billion priorities and then battle to keep our families at least high on the list. I don't know what my steps of action will be to shaping my soul will be yet, but they will come. Until then, I'll remain in thoughtful prayer. I wonder if I'm completely alone in this season, but that's okay if I am. I suppose pits are easier to leave when you don't have a roommate anyway. ;) Reprogramming will have to begin, of course. And the list of things being juggled will be cut down drastically. I'll make a serious effort even more to surround myself with women that sharpen me and that leave me when a little more love. Don't you love being around those people? The ones that you leave their house feeling a little more love for your husband and being a wife. A little more love for your children and your role as their mother. A little more love for your family and that you're a sister/daughter/aunt/niece. I've always fought to be around those people...I've just never asked myself if I was one of them.

...just some pondering...mulling around in my head. London's memory verse (probably for the summer) is Come and listen, all you who fear God, and I will tell you what He did for me. Psalm 66:16. This is now the new song of my heart. I want first for Him to make me the new creation and new mother, and then to pass that along to others, particularly those young mothers. If you got all the way to the end of this rambling, congrats :) I wish we could sit and have coffee while kids run and muffins bake, because if you're still reading, you're probably in this season too ;). haha