Smudges on the window

Happy New Year! :) Today was such a crazy crazy day. It was the last Sunday we are at Central's main campus, since the Journey Campus launches next Sunday! Eeeee! I was so excited about today, plus, I was going to put London in an adorable dress she still hasn't been able to wear that I bought on clearance LAST January for this winter. Alas, after an alarm clock fail, making it to church alone with two sleepy girls just wasn't a possibility. So I thought, ahh, thank you technology! I'll live stream our service! No dice. After Story was finally quiet enough for me to hear something, I sat down with a cup of coffee and my laptop, and the entire screen freezes and the stream goes out. Not to be beaten, I pull up the Passion website to live stream their Session 1 that was currently happening (www.passion2011.com). 22,000 students and leaders there, and even more than that are watching online, sooo...it wouldn't work either. The rest of the day continued in these ridiculous series of unfortunate events until I was successfully beaten to a pile of mush. Then it hit me...

It's like smudges on a window. No, follow me here. It's well established that I am, indeed, a Type A personality. I enjoy long walks around a neatly lined and organized track, knowing exactly what goes into my food, and crystal clean windows. This, to an extent, is my God-given personality and is the instrument He chooses to use for His purposes (when I'm not being all about me-ish). However, I abuse this gift and go completely Martha when I should be Mary. (Luke 10:38-42) I am getting much better (which I'm sure any frequent reader is glad of, since it tends to be the meat of my blog posts lately. I promise to be more entertaining in the next season of my life ;)) but it's my native language (the Martha thing) and even when I become fluent in Mary, if I'm not speaking and living only in Mary, Martha jumps back in quite often. In this Martha time, smudges on windows are just horrible. Not just a fingerprint, give me a break, I'm not that crazy ;). It's the smudges with milk/cereal/unknown food/etc in it that dries and is visible from no matter where you're looking from. I've found myself glancing out the window and seeing these smears all over, stopping whatever is going on, going to get some weapon to fight the dirty mess, and then going back to my day. Not once in this time did I notice what color the leaves were, or if there was a bird on my porch. I was too busy seeing the dirt.

There are days, like today, where it's almost impossible to see the beauty in my life because of all the crazy, "dirty" smudges obstructing my view. I want to battle them, one by one, all the while forgetting the reason I want it to be clean in the first place: to enjoy the life God has given to me. Martha complained to Jesus that Mary wasn't helping her, which, I'm afraid I would have been pretty annoyed too. It's martha's house, her sis has come over perhaps to "help." We know Jesus brings a HUGE crowd. She's got a lot of work, and my mother brain is still saying in the back somewhere, "so..she just...doesn't do it? then who will?." The answer? Jesus will. He broke bread and fish for the 5000, he turned water into wine. He will meet your needs. Not wants. Not weird pet peeves. Your needs. When Martha complained to Jesus about Mary, He told her no. He wouldn't tell her to stop listening and go do what she "should" have been doing. "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed-or indeed, only one. Mary has chosen what is better, it will not be taken from her."

What a lovely thought. Things are so temporary in this world. Smudges will be there again, as soon as she gets another cookie. The gas tank will have to be filled up again. Even your family and the people in your life and your world are temporary, but Jesus is something that will always hold steady and will never be taken from us. That, in itself, gives such hope and the first huge sigh of relief of the day. :)

A time for everything

Confession: I do not really like being a full time stay at home mom.

okay, okay, I know. your reaction was probably like, "gasp!!! but Heather! You craft!" I know. You would think the pre-school teacher turned mom would be right where she's comfortable, but I'm not. Not that I want some full time job that would keep me away from them all the time, but a few hours away a few days a week makes me a better mommy. I know that in this season of my life, my calling and job is to be home with them. Not that I don't enjoy it, by any means. I love it. I just sat at a little wooden princess table and had tea and coffee (water) with some dinner (oatmeal squares) while wearing crowns (I had to borrow Story's) and I wouldn't miss that for anything.

Throughout this time when things get stressful and crazy (basically since Story was born and slowing down now), I've spent a lot of time in Ecclesiastes. God has been showing me so many things and one of the most recent things has hit my heart so hard. Many people know the "a time for everything" part of this book, but I'll post it for anyone that's forgotten :)


There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

I have read this over and over the last few months at times where I felt like I was failing my family by being so stressed that I actually wanted to just get away a bit. (it's just not a warm fuzzy feeling for a mom). For awhile, God assured me that this was a season and that soon, things would feel "normal" again and we'd be able to enjoy each other and love each other without the physical exhaustion and mental numbness you have with a newborn. However, I began looking to these verses incorrectly without even realizing it. Slowly, Satan whispered God's word just a tad twisted like he's done so many times before to me and others before me (Eve is a very good example if you're looking for one). I began looking at these verses like some sort of promise that though my life is crazy now, it won't be later. That some day, my kids will be in school, I'll sleep through the night, and have date nights with my husband. Sounds lovely from the outside, but I was wishing away my little girls' youth. A couple of nights ago, I was thinking of all the gifts left to buy for family members that you haven't the first guess of what to get and things of that nature when once again, this thought was blown into my head. God finally spoke firmly to my heart telling me that with this season of craziness that leaves, as will London's cute way of saying "yuv yooo mommy" and Story's look of confusion with new things all around and the big toothless open-mouthed grin when my face comes into view in the midst of it. This season is the season of babies and milestones and cuddles in my lap b/c they're still small enough to rock to sleep. The season that I feel like I have no time to do anything because London constantly wants my attention when, one day, I'll have to beg her to come tell me things about her life. The season where I feel like I'm so behind on laundry that I'll never catch up, but also the season of clean footie pj's on little feet. sigh...sometimes, I wonder why God doesn't just throw a lightening bolt and wake me up to the life going on around me. haha

Flawless Beauties of His

woah, two blog posts in a row?! It'll never happen again, don't worry ;).

Since I first surrendered to the calling of ministry 5 years ago, God has been teaching me more and more about women. (That could be why I was given two daughters and not sons. I need lots and lots of lessons) Of these lessons, one of the biggest has been the battles that Satan fights to ensure difficulty in women breaking free. One is men against women, quite a bit ahead of that one is women against women, but the absolute hardest battle is women against themselves.

With the genders, you're fighting insecurity, possession, jealousy, ignorance, and plain old stupidity. Women against women isn't that different except those emotions are stronger. The jealousy is stronger, the insecurity is harder, and the ignorance is the reigning one of all. Women have no idea that they have more in common with women as a whole than they'd care to believe. It's easier to "hate women" because they're "all catty, backstabbing, and crazy." When in fact, women are strong, nurturing, creative, and loving people. I promise you they are. That's even what I'll devote my life to proving.

But, then comes in the largest battle. The one that causes me, and other women devoted to God's daughters, to go head to head in a vicious spiritual battle. Women vs. themselves. You see it all over. Someone jokes with them in a way that's inappropriate or borderline offensive. A comment is made by someone or the woman about the way she looks in something while she watches all the other girls in the same clothing, and they "pull it off." These women would probably agree with you on how wrong those things are about other women. "They should never say that about Grandma!" or "That's not something that should ever come out of anyone's mouth to the pastor's wife." or "She's beautiful! I think she dresses so lovely, and she's crazy to think she's not gorgeous!" but if you turn those around on them, they'd hang their heads.

Why? Why is it worse for someone to say something almost mean in a joking way to the pastor's wife, but not about you? Why should people stand up for that young girl, but you're fine to just shake off hurtful comments? and why, oh why, do you not see how lovely you are?

One day soon, you should sit and open the book Song of Solomon and read your Beloved's letter to you. It is symbolic of Jesus' heart towards us, His church, and He feels this about you personally. Not just the pastor's wife, though her too, not just that cute passionate girl, though her too, but you. You, His flawless one.

You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you. -Song of Solomon 4:7

It's all about balance

My final final is tomorrow, and I could not be any more giddy. This semester has been so crazy for us with a wild Indian toddler, newborn, internships, and Lance's senior recital and graduation. I'm so grateful for the placement of Christmas and the break this year. Time for us to stop, regroup our thoughts and hearts, focus on God, and then look toward the future of 2011 with school (for me, not lance and I'm only a little jealous), two growing girls, and the launch of the Journey Campus for Central.

My new year's resolution will be to attempt better balance and better time management. The man of the house, as the spiritual leader, carries tons of responsibility spirituality for the family. I realize that fact more each year of marriage. However, the woman of the house carries TONS of responsibility in her activities for every second. I really wished I'd paid more attention to that lesson before now, but I'm glad I finally saw it. On days that I manage my time with a productive day where I have time to chat with God regularly, I'm less stressed and have so many more fruits of the spirit that I can lavish on my daughters and husband. When I say time management, I do not mean work myself crazy to have a spotless house and an amazing feast on the table for dinner by the time Lance comes home. In fact, being Miss Perfect Housewife is honestly a very large personal sacrifice for me. I've learned that I can not do ministry and attempt a perfect life. If I try, it only seems perfect from the outside. I do laundry and clean clean the house once a week and that is a habit I've just figured out works really well with a family busy in 24/7 roles.

But, in the last semester, if I added up the "down time" that I spent on my phone, the computer, or scrubbing my house like crazy until it sparkles, I think I would be embarrassed and ashamed. A minute here and 30 seconds there really adds up and before I know it, it's 11pm and I have two more chapters to read, I'm tired, and now I'll be really tired in the morning for the girls. yay. We all have those "guilty pleasures" that sneak into your life and take over your prayer time without us even realizing it..darn you Sudoku. ;) I just challenge all that read this and find themselves in this same season of life to look at balance in your life. Maybe you could even be my "running partner" of sorts to help me stay on track :)

more adventures in motherland

I think my blog posts are getting farther and farther apart, nevertheless, a major truth hit me tonight. Nothing quite says "I'm a mother of two children under 2" quite like the worst constant back pain I remember ever having. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, and in fact, I never even felt contractions in labor, but I seem to have pulled something while changing a billion diapers (exaggeration) and cleaning up hundreds of messes (not an exaggeration) over the last several weeks. In trying to solve this problem, I've had to become more observant of my posture at all times. I'm always bent over cleaning something, changing something, wiping something, or whatever. I parent bent, I think. Have you ever tried to correct your posture while in the midst of a crazy life that causes you to ruin it consistently? It's insanely difficult.

If you've read any of my posts before, you're expecting some practical Biblical truth I've found to apply to my life from something ridiculously small, and because I have so much time to ponder during 3 am feedings, I won't disappoint you. This is very much like my spiritual walk lately. Because of the hectic lifestyle we lead, I've cut corners and slacked until I walk with Jesus bent over. It's just easier to do the things I need to do with a bad attitude or judgement or just flat out for myself than to stand up straight and walk tall standing firm on the Truth and living as He's called us to live. Over time, this posture physically and spiritually has hurt me much worse than I would have thought and though it once took days of letting the posture to slip before I felt the results, I now can let it slip for 2 minutes and I immediately feel the pain that is much worse than I felt weeks ago. I've learned to live with this posture and just as difficult as it is to remember to change a diaper with a straight back, it's nearly as impossible to deal with a screaming toddler with that straight posture spiritually. This is now my nature and habit more than it was before (though I've never had fantastic posture spiritually or physically ;)) and it is taking extreme intentionality to keep a close watch on it now. I'm now spending my time taking captive every negative thought that I notice, and when I'm hurting from my lack of posture and tension, I do the same thing as I do for my back: get still, calm, and let go of that tension. I let go of the stress, let go of my insistence that if I stop for one second that my entire house will fall a part, and I let go of every other thing I'm carrying around that's causing me to bend. Work in Progress....for certain.

There is a time for everything

Story is now 6 weeks old tomorrow and London is not quite 20 months. I don't need to really give anymore detail into my average day, because that says it right there. I have to say that though the transition of having two kids was MUCH easier than the initial transition to one child, this is the darkest pit I've experienced thus far. There is something very difficult about having to grasp only the future and no present. I'm one of those that normally looks to future goals. I do something now, for what will come in the future. Though there are some things I enjoy, strictly because I can see progress right that second, like painting something or rearranging a room. However, in the life of a mother, it's very easy to lose track of those little things because you're constantly doing little things that you've already done 14 times that day, you did 30 times yesterday, and you'll do them 50 times tomorrow. Each day, I feed, clothe, clean, wipe, clean, change, clean, and so on. I load the dishwasher only to load it again later that day or tomorrow. I clean a high chair, and then do it again several more times before bed.

In this type of situation, it is so very hard to see purpose. I understand that what I'm doing will mold these little people into big people. I get that as a mommy, I am responsible for teaching them the ways of the Lord and sending them off one day in hopes that they understood my love for them, and even more so, the love God has for them. However, when you are in the midst of it, it's hard to see those distant days. You only see more diaper changes, laundry, and dirty floors.

This is where you all say to me, "Heather! This is a season that will pass. You have to make time for yourself. Remember to rest. yada yada" and I agree, but I'd never noticed how little other's words meant to me until I found what did work (usually ;)). A quiet time is hard to find because when the girls do nap together, cleaning is a gateway drug. You just have to wipe that one counter, which you realize is something that spilled and is on the floor too, so you bend down to wipe that spot on the floor, only to realize that the entire floor is filthy, so you're just going to sweep, only to realize that half that stuff needs to be mopped, not swept, and it keeps going until one or both are crying, needing food, a new diaper, and lots of attention, and I never got alone with the Lord.

In comes the book of Ecclesiastes. The first chapter, second verse begins, ""Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless."

3 What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?

4 Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever.

5 The sun rises and the sun sets,
and hurries back to where it rises.

6 The wind blows to the south
and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
ever returning on its course.

7 All streams flow into the sea,
yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
there they return again.

8 All things are wearisome,
more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing.

9 What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.

10 Is there anything of which one can say,
"Look! This is something new"?
It was here already, long ago;
it was here before our time.

11 There is no remembrance of men of old,
and even those who are yet to come
will not be remembered
by those who follow.

I read those words and picture myself, scrubbing floors and doing dishes and Jesus sitting at my dining room table saying, "I came to have a cup of coffee with you and see how you were doing. How's motherhood? How do you think London is adjusting to being a big sister? Are you worried about her? Is there anything you want me to do for her?" and I can't hear Him over my grumbling.

This is merely a season of my life. In that same book, in the third chapter, it says in verse one, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven." It's something I'm working on; and the great Refiner is bringing out my impurities just as He says in Malachi 3:3. So I apologize to those I blow off when they talk to me about this stressful, crazy season of my life...I just have to hear it from the lips of the Lover of my soul I guess :). And now, as if clockwork, my redheaded sweet baby is slowly moving and groaning and I hear distant cries from the strange little beautiful girl down the hall. haha...at least they're on the same schedule today, right? ;)

"Me" Time

In reading through the accounts of Jesus' life written by His closest friends, I'm struck anew at how selfless He really is. All through the Gospels, we see Jesus living day in and day out constantly putting others before Himself.

There are obviously more perks than not of being the parent of a strange little beautiful 19 month old with more energy than I could get with a Starbucks in my own house, and a 24/7 velcro 4 week old that needs to be held as much as possible. However, when I let stress or exhaustion get to me, I can easily start thinking of the freedom I once had to hop in the car and run to the bank, or buy a new purse without robbing children of Christmas present money ha. The biggest thing most parents seem to miss, however, is their "me" time. I crave time where I can just sit and relax and not think about anything if I don't want to. This is so well known that even other people check on me and make sure I'm getting some down time alone to myself. I'm not knocking this at all or anyone that needs this (since I, myself, just said I crave it), however, no where in Jesus' life are we shown a time where He just wanted to hang out on a hammock, have a glass of tea, and chill. He was teaching and preaching and loving and performing miracles every day. It says He went to bed late and arose early and would seclude Himself. Even then, Jesus wasn't doing it for "me" time, He was craving time alone with His Father. Jesus so badly wanted to have as much time as possible with God alone that He sacrificed sleep and alone time to have it. I can't even imagine how drained He was physically, mentally, and emotionally. He was literally carrying the weight of the world, and yet, He knew that a quiet time would rejuvinate Him like sleep, food, and alone time could never come close to. Ahh the lessons I continue to learn and hope will sink in.